that oak trees bear pears

I can't explain how I feel. I can't pin-point what thoughts are in my head. I can only try to perceive the swirling mist in my head as a whole, and try to interpret.

Anoche, siento que una parte se quebrantó de mi y cayó al suelo hecho de madera oscura. Respiro. Pienso en lo que pasé, dentro de aquella cocina dentro de mi corazón. I know there’s someone out there waiting for me. El estaba hablando de su visita a España, estuvo ahí por meses, por un año y meses. Pero no estaba yo escuchando. Solo pude pensar en aquel que se sentaba al lado mío. I might have never loved at all. Que pensaba? Sé su nombre. El tomaba bastante. Junto a mi. Que podía yo hacer? Las paredes blancas me miraban.

(No quiero matar a nadie. Pero quiero, quiero, quiero lo que no puedo querer)

Entonces el reloj timbró mis esperanzas, mi corazón escondió de la noche. El sonido me marchó a la puerta. El cielo era negra, el mío gris.
No te puedo tener debido que tu es de él. Y él es de ti. No te propongo será de ti, no puedo querer.

Quero decirle a él que no te propongo.

Ya no lloro piedras por ti.

can't change your mind

He never did anything to suggest I should keep it up.
He never tried to 'suade my thoughts, my emotions.
It was all me, I locked on him, I wanted it.
He never wanted me to hurt.

Like a moth to a flame, I was to blame.

The hurt, deep in the core, slowly diminishes.
Everyday gets a little better, the sky more blue.
As time marches forward, things get easier.
Soon I'll be able to call him friend, and feel just that.

set your stakes too high, you're bound to lose

"...that feeling of excitement when thinking about him. The automatic lift in spirits when thinking that you get to see him again."
"Yeah, I still get that, not as strong as it used to be, but it's still there. When was your last time?"
"B--- gave me that feeling. It was fun but it waned with time. We never dated, we just were friends. I knew he knew but I guess he chose to do nothing about it. And that was his decision and I never forced anything, well one night I did... at the bar, I got shot down. We never spoke of that again, just went on like nothing had happened. I always figured that we'd be good... even great together. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Oh well, that's just part of the game. I feel like I've played the game for too long. I'm ready to bow out for awhile."

tipsy blogging with a bruised heart

it shouldn't have it me as hard. It shouldn't have been such a surprise. I knew that just by placing even a small bet on you would still yield losing results. The attention I thought you gave just me was shared round the town. You're just a mere flirt. I shouldn't sit here like a fool, I've already graduated from this different kind of school. But all the same, just a little bit, it hurts.

There must by someone out there, waiting for me, there just has to be.

dreams in bags that float out to sea
full of colors that don't mix
silence I attack, I never hear you enter
there's no month of June
we don't smile or laugh together
I always hide my bad mood

look at me and tell me what you see
look at you and tell me if we go
together like A and B
you and I, always you and I
never you and I
fit in the same place and time

my eyes are tired of tears
give me a hug, give me a kiss
we both try and escape
the love that turns to venom
each scene is supervised
every gesture calculated

look at me, look at the sky
see the butterfly fly
no one will hear us march
we know we must
never you and I
fit in the same place and time

psycho stalker insecurities

We're out. Come too! (God I can't wait to see you again)

You should come, we're all here. (God-damnit I'm here, come fucking see me)

Who am I gonna do a walk shot with? Don't be a pooper. (For fuck's sake, get the fuck over here. I'm losing my patience. Why the fuck don't you want to see me? You don't fucking like me, you fucker.)

I understand, sometimes the couch is the best place. (Why the fuck are you calling him, don't you know that he's right by me?! I saw you call him. Asshole. Fucking asshole. You fucking lied to me. All I get is a fucking text. Fine, I don't expect much from you. Asshole.)

I hope you have a good night. (I hope you die 1000 horrible deaths and eat shit and yet still live to see how awful you are and suffer.)

Sometimes I forget to remember

I thought I was happy not knowing anyone like that.
I thought I could exist in a plane all my own.
But I forgot how easy it is to feel for you, how this feeling inside me sends me sky high.
I know you're good for me.

It's been awhile since I've wanted to get to know someone.
It's been awhile since I've worried I can't say anything right.
But the smile that comes when I think of you, how I wish I could look into your eyes again.
You're good for me.

clouds in my coffee

I have a front row seat, while watching your show
All eyes on you as you enter a room
the center of attention, the eye of the storm

Walking around on a cloud cuz every boy just trips on you; saying your name out loud

You silently assured me that you were mine
while slipping some your number
When your heart beats next to mine
your thoughts thinking of that other, the other night

the words you speak soothed my fears
and your actions seemed to do the same
I could never understand why you didn't set me free
why you had to keep me closer

I'm in love with your words