You're Right,

I think I am tired of playing the victim. Thanks for pointing that out.

make right

A veces, cuando el aire se halla quieto, y mis pensamientos deambulan por donde quieran, te encuentro. Te encuentro sentado en un rincon de mi mente, a veces sonriendo, otras veces pensando en algo. Pero siempre veo tus ojoas oscuros sino claros. Me cuentan un cuento lleno de lomas y llanos, de una vida que esta envuelto en cristal.
Pero ya no escalo aquellas lomas de mi pasado contigo. Y todavia no se porque no. Te fuiste sinc decir me por donde.
Pero no te segi, quiero que tengas tu libertad.

ojos rosados, pienso en ti

I smile to myself, close my eyes, you were so close to me.
I could talk for hours about anything with you.
I would try to cature your image to hold you with my always.
I was never so happy as when you were with me.

So I don't question why sometimes I stumble.
I don't wonder when my eyes only look through tears.
I choke up at your memory, it's no mystery,
I don't know how to get over you.

laughing away the tears

Never forget. Keep it alive. Promise to try.
Head held high. Ride like the wind. Don't look behind.
Life isn't fair.
Don't run away so fast. Kiss goodbye.
It's gonna be alright.

I fought to be so strong. I was afraid.
You've got to forget the past. Learn to forgive.
Don't let memory play games. Just a faded smile frozen in time.

Can't kiss you goodbye, but I promise to try.

Something Different

I'm not sure if it was a benign break-up or if we really are going to give it a shot. I'd like to think the latter. It's been ages since I've found someone that my heart attatched to. Actually my heart threw itself on him and clutched at him so tightly that you could see the knuckles white with strain. I told it to get off, but really I was content.
The conversation was real, it was fun, it was with him.
He's at a point where he needs to devote a lot of his energy on himself.
I know in my heart I need to figure things out before I exert energy on someone else as well.

I suggested that we not say goodbye, but rather be in each others' lives. I said that we can move slowly, take time to see if it is something we have or if it's not. But in the meantime we wouldn't feel compelled to spend every moment with the other, rather get together when we can. We should be relaxed about it.

I don't know if it will work. Was it selfish on my part?

I just knew that I wasn't going to let him go without a fight.

I'm not going to demand his time or make him feel obligated to see me, talk to me, listen to me, be around me. I'm going to be casual about it, though right now my heart is feeling despondent because I have taken it away from him. Or trying.

But I felt urges to cry today. All day. I could feel the sobs creeping up my throat. I would have been happy to let them out, but they never fully came out. I knew why. I want him to want me. I'd love him to love me. But I couldn't cry. My heart was saying goodbye, releasing its grip. It's been a long time since I've felt that emotion. When something that made you feel good slipped though your hands.

But if you truly care for someone or something, you let him/it go and allow him/it to return on his/its own accord, right?

And if he doesn't come back, he did leave me with a memory and also a knowledge that I still can be found to be attractive, desirable, and all that. I've been batteling some strong self-doubt lately. He was a welcome breath of fresh air.

I've been in a low these past days. They've hurt. I've hurt. But this is who I am.

I yern to find that love. I've felt it, I know he can be found out there. But it seems that it's always just beyond my grasp. I look at a picture of two of my friends. They are so happy in the picture. I worry I'll never know it.

I worry. I learn. I let go.

How to jump into the darkness. How to see you leave paradise. How to make a circle on the beach. My heart is irreversible. Destiny marked it. Hearing the rain we sleep through.

I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.

Your paradise is not for me.

since no one else belongs here with me (there must be something wrong with me)

(I can't forget what you've forgotten.
I was pretending, really your secret kiss was my escape.
The perfect game to play.)

10, 9, 8 and I'm breaking away
7, 6, 5, 4 and I'm over you
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(Your facination with bare walls and skin.
With no conditions I needed you to notice.
That's all I wanted.)

10, 9, 8 I'm dressed and ready to play
7, 6, 5, 4 there's much more to do
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(You sat in the morning light, color-coded.
Your back and star facing my direction with blank stares.
I try to understand.)

10,9 I can't wait it's a new day
8, 7, 6 error on us both
5, 4, 3 you don't belong with me
2, 1 this is who I am.

(I'm really not that crazy.
I tried so hard to not drop the pieces.
Sunday I cried all night, shattered dreams.
I wanted you to be here.)