it's been awhile

I'm good, but...
I like him, but...
They like me, but...
I think I want to, but...

Are you limitations? Until I try I won't know.
I wish you would just like myself. Happy in chosing this moratorium.

Moratorium from the flavors of entanglement. (By Alanis) (I good new word)

So now I chose to fly solo, to fly free. Just like Elphaba.
I hope I'm happy.

sense of myself

Finally understand where I go wrong. Comprehend my mistakes. A foundation of direction. No more limbo. Still growing up. Still making mistakes. Still not understanding. Still falling off my foundation. Hoping for divine perfection.
Done.
Gone. Here.
Starting. Beginning.
Commencement. Finished.
End.
Fun now, fun later. Learn from my past. Smile, love, accept, enjoy, utopia, hell, cry, friends, lovers, cheating, honesty, it's a bitch to learn, it's wonderful to love, knowledge is power.

Keep going forward, I'm afraid to be stagnant.

myself/ground

I've lost myself. I'm not writing for me anymore:

I forget why I do what I do.
Why I like what I like.
What makes me, me.

So much has happened, and rather quickly. I thought I wanted it so badly. But now I find I don't want all that.

I want to be happy. I've changed my mind on people, places, things, etc. I'm trying to be what I'm not. I'm trying to be what I think I should be. But not what I am.

Stepping out of the whirlwind. Finding the light and quiet again. Watching a leaf fall to the groud; blow in the wind. When the sun sets and the city sky reflects the particles to its canvas. Feeling words get caught under my fingernails. Digging in the water, running to catch the dust. Remembering to remember much and often, and smile twice that. Looking for my room's ground. New goals phoenix the old ones. Old knowledge pouring new. A life of understanding, fruition, events, passings, etc. Making bonds, mending damaged bonds, breaking bad bonds. Anticipating May, brooding over December.

Heavy on my heart

It's hard. I say. Can the sun ever shine too much?

In My Mind's Eye

I am sitting on a large rock, over a stream. My feet are in the water, being stirred by the current, and I'm enjoying the cool water. I feel like I've walked a very long way.

Recently some stuff has gone down. And I find that after my initial reaction of feeling hurt and betrayed, I am stepping back to analyze the situation.
Am I happy? Was I happy? What went wrong? Was I completely to blame? Do I want to hang around to see if it gets better? I was hurt once already.
I'm always quick to point out that I'm not perfect. But I don't think I deserved all that was shot out at me. The silence. The disregard. Treating me like a child. Talking down to me.
My emotions have recoiled. It's not the same: things are different, things have changed for me. It's still weird. I'm in a limbo. I know that I am waiting, I'm hesitating.

I'm hoping that he will try to make amends, try to reach out to me. But I can't return on my own.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Things are different, but have things changed?

I saw something very similar written on someone's myspace. It made me think. And I think I liked the implications of it. You can move to a different spot in the theater, but still see the same show. Only your view is different. Hopefully it's a bit more clear. I hate to think someone would move to distort or block his/her view.

I know that I view things much more differently. I think it is more clear too. But I still have a lot of uncertanties in my mind. But only time carries the answers. And my job is to be patient.

I knew I wasn't ready to be done, I knew I needed to try again. I knew I needed to explore other possibilities. I knew I was not going to give up. And I had to start to look at things differently. I had to look at myself, my life, where I was going. I can't forget who I am, but I always want to learn how to become a better person.