Still working through...

I still have to close my eyes while the internal storm and numbness sets in.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.

I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.

Still...

I'm still hindered by my own disdane. I wish I could let go, but I have learned that sometimes I'm not meant to be happy in every aspect of my life. Something has to give.

So I finally have some free time to muse. Sitting at the airport in Omaha waiting for my flight to board, an hour to go.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.

Writing to write to express to be

The rain came down on the window of the red car. The wipers needed to be replaced. The trees swam by in a blur. It had been hours since leaving the house.

The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.

I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.

What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.