You're Right,

I think I am tired of playing the victim. Thanks for pointing that out.

make right

A veces, cuando el aire se halla quieto, y mis pensamientos deambulan por donde quieran, te encuentro. Te encuentro sentado en un rincon de mi mente, a veces sonriendo, otras veces pensando en algo. Pero siempre veo tus ojoas oscuros sino claros. Me cuentan un cuento lleno de lomas y llanos, de una vida que esta envuelto en cristal.
Pero ya no escalo aquellas lomas de mi pasado contigo. Y todavia no se porque no. Te fuiste sinc decir me por donde.
Pero no te segi, quiero que tengas tu libertad.

ojos rosados, pienso en ti

I smile to myself, close my eyes, you were so close to me.
I could talk for hours about anything with you.
I would try to cature your image to hold you with my always.
I was never so happy as when you were with me.

So I don't question why sometimes I stumble.
I don't wonder when my eyes only look through tears.
I choke up at your memory, it's no mystery,
I don't know how to get over you.

laughing away the tears

Never forget. Keep it alive. Promise to try.
Head held high. Ride like the wind. Don't look behind.
Life isn't fair.
Don't run away so fast. Kiss goodbye.
It's gonna be alright.

I fought to be so strong. I was afraid.
You've got to forget the past. Learn to forgive.
Don't let memory play games. Just a faded smile frozen in time.

Can't kiss you goodbye, but I promise to try.

Something Different

I'm not sure if it was a benign break-up or if we really are going to give it a shot. I'd like to think the latter. It's been ages since I've found someone that my heart attatched to. Actually my heart threw itself on him and clutched at him so tightly that you could see the knuckles white with strain. I told it to get off, but really I was content.
The conversation was real, it was fun, it was with him.
He's at a point where he needs to devote a lot of his energy on himself.
I know in my heart I need to figure things out before I exert energy on someone else as well.

I suggested that we not say goodbye, but rather be in each others' lives. I said that we can move slowly, take time to see if it is something we have or if it's not. But in the meantime we wouldn't feel compelled to spend every moment with the other, rather get together when we can. We should be relaxed about it.

I don't know if it will work. Was it selfish on my part?

I just knew that I wasn't going to let him go without a fight.

I'm not going to demand his time or make him feel obligated to see me, talk to me, listen to me, be around me. I'm going to be casual about it, though right now my heart is feeling despondent because I have taken it away from him. Or trying.

But I felt urges to cry today. All day. I could feel the sobs creeping up my throat. I would have been happy to let them out, but they never fully came out. I knew why. I want him to want me. I'd love him to love me. But I couldn't cry. My heart was saying goodbye, releasing its grip. It's been a long time since I've felt that emotion. When something that made you feel good slipped though your hands.

But if you truly care for someone or something, you let him/it go and allow him/it to return on his/its own accord, right?

And if he doesn't come back, he did leave me with a memory and also a knowledge that I still can be found to be attractive, desirable, and all that. I've been batteling some strong self-doubt lately. He was a welcome breath of fresh air.

I've been in a low these past days. They've hurt. I've hurt. But this is who I am.

I yern to find that love. I've felt it, I know he can be found out there. But it seems that it's always just beyond my grasp. I look at a picture of two of my friends. They are so happy in the picture. I worry I'll never know it.

I worry. I learn. I let go.

How to jump into the darkness. How to see you leave paradise. How to make a circle on the beach. My heart is irreversible. Destiny marked it. Hearing the rain we sleep through.

I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.

Your paradise is not for me.

since no one else belongs here with me (there must be something wrong with me)

(I can't forget what you've forgotten.
I was pretending, really your secret kiss was my escape.
The perfect game to play.)

10, 9, 8 and I'm breaking away
7, 6, 5, 4 and I'm over you
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(Your facination with bare walls and skin.
With no conditions I needed you to notice.
That's all I wanted.)

10, 9, 8 I'm dressed and ready to play
7, 6, 5, 4 there's much more to do
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(You sat in the morning light, color-coded.
Your back and star facing my direction with blank stares.
I try to understand.)

10,9 I can't wait it's a new day
8, 7, 6 error on us both
5, 4, 3 you don't belong with me
2, 1 this is who I am.

(I'm really not that crazy.
I tried so hard to not drop the pieces.
Sunday I cried all night, shattered dreams.
I wanted you to be here.)

amazed

I was fine walking alone.
I was okay with idle chat.
I felt it better we kept a distance.
I wish I would have.

If only I could let you go
I don't understand why I need you.
I cannot stop myself.
Want you and no one else.

Now this heavy and bitter arrow
in my heart.
I want to set you free,
yet you're inside of me.

It's amazing what a boy can say,
I cannot stop myself.
It's amazing what a boy can do to me,
It's amazing.

Rainy Sunday

You don't know how hard I've tried to convince myself that I can just forget.
This feeling is still inside, you left it.
It never fails to find me.

On a rainy Sunday I feel you here in me,
like the days of summer, windows down and warm ocean water.
I'll never admit that we went too far.
It guards my hope of someday.

she moves in colors

I liked all the colors around him. I don't care much for him flipping off the camera. He's attractive and of course a great body. And I'd kill to have an a** like his (course I could just do squats and lunges). But back to the colors... I like how they are vibrant and kind of blurry. Other than the finger, I really, really liked this picture.

I love the bucolic whimsy of the work. Set as it is on the vast open plains of ... perhaps Hampstead Heath. Or Le Jardin des Plantes. With its ferocious packs of indigenous poodles. And colonizing but now tentative giraffes, who are wondering to whom those bones once belonged.

take a bow, play the part

I'm back. And I started painting again. It's cathartic for me.
This was my first attempt at a human form and found that I enjoyed everything except the face. I hated trying to do that. The model has an incredibly cute face, but my rendition is kinda yucky. But oh well. I did have fun. I think I might want to start doing more human forms minus the face and hands... lol.For some reason Hawaii and Paris have been on my mind. I've never been to either place, but I've seen their faces. I think their faces have affected me more than I even realize. But I learn to let go...

I liked the colors. I liked the yellow over the dark colors. I was just thinking about something and it seems like Paris is always in the background of this thought.

X-static blog

Dear Ancient Ice,

I don't really know what you're about. But I've had fun with you. I'm happy that you've morphed and changed with me. I still like you.

Love,
Ryan

I think Love hates me

Where did we go?
When did we go off track?
But this is where we are.
There's no point in looking back.

I don't know if those are lyrics, more than likely are, but I cannot place the song they belong to.

Someone from your past lingers in your life. You never know where you stand with him. You just think it's nothing, but every time you see him you have to fight a feeling. Something you don't understand. Something that you know you feel for him, and you don't know why. So you fight it. Dismiss it as nought. It's nothing. Make it go away. You've known him for almost a year now. Nothing has ever happened. Nothing ever will. Accept it and move on. Distance and lack of communication help you to move on. You're okay. It was nothing. Just a moment that has passed.

Months later he's in town again. You go to his mom's house to help set up a Christmas tree. You immediately feel at home. It's a fun evening, setting up a Christmas tree, who wouldn't feel at home? Laughter and conversation fill the evening. Then you look at him and as if you were hit by a large stick, all those feelings come back. The rest of the evening you try to be cool, and you think you've gotten away with it. But at the same time you're sick. You wish you could just reach out to him and pull him close to you. You long touch his face, yearn to steal a kiss. The same void opens slightly in your chest, between your lungs. The goodbye was painful; the hug awkward. You want to just kiss him, but at the same time petrified of ruining anything. His actions all night were friendly. Nothing less, nothing more. You release from the hug and duck out of the door. The walk to the car is a blur. You can only think that you're walking away, not towards.

Now is the time get over it. But anger surges: WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS SAYING GOODBYE TO THE PEOPLE I FEEL MOST STRONGLY ABOUT? WHO DEALT THESE FUCKING CARDS? WHEN CAN I GET OFF THIS FUCKING RIDE? I'm ready to be done. I don't know how much more I can take.

Go on don't sit there like a fool. You've graduated from a different kind of school. At least I have felt for him what I thought I was no longer able to feel. At least I know I still can feel strongly for someone. I know there's someone out there waiting for me. There must be someone, there just has to be.

too late. too little sleep.

Is that seat taken? Congratulations.
Would you like to take a walk with me?
My mind it kinda goes fast. I'll try and slow it down for you.
Think I'm going to take a drive.
I'm going to give you something I've been wanting to give you to:
My heart.

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seem to be the happiest you've ever been
Now you belong to him.

I can't change this. I can never change it back.
But now I can't change your mind.
And I can't take this. I could never take this back but now,
I can't change your mind.

Analytical Chemistry

I was too much. I left solid ground and let myself get caught up.
I could not see. Despite the downtown lights.

Energy swirling, warming my skin. Then vacancy.
Was it ever even there to begin with?
Was I alone in the empty street?
No one around.

I thought you feel it.
I saw you feel it.
I felt you feel it.
How do I know?

Empty stairs, quiet hallway, lonely room.
I let myself out. Too much too soon.
Tuck my pain away, I should have known.

Each word you spoke staccato.
A whiter shade of pale in the moonlight.
The shame I feel for feeling.

good for me

Siento que hoy no puedo describir porque me has afectado tanto. Yo era tu enemigo fiel que pisaba siempre solo pocas huelgas atrás de la fantasía, echando la razón olvidando imaginar. Pero siento que de nuevo respiro la vida.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.-Carl Jung.

Who? and I like.

So finally there's someone who has brought all tall man's problems to the shorter folk. And called it style (on purpose (I know!)). Pants with the cuff too short. I think it's great. Really.

And then how much fun would suits be if you could wear shorts?

I liked the look. I think it'd be fun to play around with the suit like this.

Hmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm Hmmm

Normally like most other gays, I flip through the magazines targeted towards homo adults looking for the hot guys and pretty pictures. I've been reading some of the stories, while most of them were that usual tone of... hmmm, I'm-trying-to-relate-to-you-normal-people-but-since-I'm-writing-for-Out-and-you're-not-and-I'm-fabulous-and-I-guess-you-can-be-too-if-you-tried-like-me-but-so-far-you're-still-just-a-reader-so-this-will-have-to-do-cuz-I-need-to-get-ready-for-a-night-out-with-famous-people-and-my-picture-will-be-in-the-next-issue-of-me-next-to-Kathy-Griffin-like writing. But I found a writer that seemed like he came from the people and still kinda remembers that, though we do still need to adore him, so Christian Dior him? From his head to his toe? No, but read what he has to say.
Mr. Josh Kilmer-Purcell. I don't know. Maybe one is his maiden name, and the other not. Maybe his parents felt it necessary to give him both last names, when I write him a letter I will be sure to ask, but read his words. I really thought he was clever and funny. http://www.iamnotmyselfthesedays.com/
He used to do drag. Who knew? He's delectably cute these days. I tried to find a picture of the one of him in the magazine, but couldn't.

capture our story in one second

A million miles from my skin. But my heart just right here.
The image, walking in daydreams, el mar, el cielo.
It was the first, and keeps in my heart forever.
Embraced my embraces. Everyday waking up.
I realized a new empty, that you were filling.
But more than fifty thousand passed by, I learned to quit them all.
But I need a reason more, than just I feel.
Though excess abounds.

Time stitched a thread in my heart.
Pass the days, while seeing the sky deeper as taught.
Shoes no longer glued to the cement.
But teach one last lesson: how do I live without?

Let the rain make puddles, and raise the level.
Lived so much in such a short and small time, forgot what language I spoke.
Have I lived ten thousand days? or one day ten thousand times?

So far from me. Looking in my soul, a garden, I lost myself.
Let myself be carried away, my faithful enemy, that there could be so much more.
Errors boarding a ship, watching the rain. I'm not able.
I close my eyes:

The sun still down, the clock chimes early. I snuggle in, I like that it smells of you.
You're still asleep as I turn the soft light off. I hear you breathing and heartbeat.
You stir and wrap me in, the clocks lose count of time.
One lifetime is too short for me.

The butterfly replaces her guise, ending the ancient story, taking care that no one hears her leave.