Like the 90s but with cappuccino now

Simple concepts are like hors d'oeuvres.  But at times left untouched.  I prefer to fill my plate with the possibility of never reached filled-up.  Wide-eyed as ever but wearing sunglasses to keep from showing too much emotion.


I think I forgot who I was, and forget to remember who I am.  Caught up, but differently this time.  But still in what I cannot see.

My focus is out.  I dream but I can't live the dream anymore.  I need to ground myself and walk on.


Excuses.  Action.  ;)


Now to start getting me where I want... 

Welcome to the evolution (or continuation thereof really).

Restless thoughts.
So many roads traveled, so many times it seems I return to the lessons I thought learned.
I try to keep my eyes on the light, but the tunnel gave way to a field.
A dark wanderer in lands mapped and charted.
Still feeling lost.

The shades are drawn. I wait for dusk.
I try to keep busy, but drift to fears.
The night is the time for tears.
I can't let the sun catch me crying.

Pouring water into a vase, to watch it spill.
Wring the washcloth out and throw it into the sink.
No sense to spill it again.
No sense to watch the water fall.
No longer having the same effect it once had.

Jumping to reach the sun,
Once I had him in my hands.
I'd like to change my losses for wins.
My toes are cold again.
Despite the layers of socks.

Just some stupid sad songs

I thought so. But then I thought not.

I'm not sure how to feel. I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel content. I feel like I've been burning the midnight oil too much, but I feel it all worth it. I knew this would happen, but I set myself up to be the perfect victim. I knew I'd feel like beauty #2, and "you only have one" would be on the tip of my tongue. I knew there'd be so much more I'd want to say but forget. I wish I could take back a few words, but I guess it's now water under the bridge. I knew time would stand still, and I'm happy to return to reality. Like a castle in the sand I knew this would fall apart. But positive, happy, no regrets in the end. But there's still that knot in my stomach, there's still the longing for just one more minute.
I'm not sure how I feel, but I'm happy to feel again.

It's now ten on my watch, and I'm still here wondering why my heart feels like it might break, despite you've already left. I see an illusion, the same one I taught myself and swore my love to. But what once was a simple understanding, a friendship of sorts is now my weakness. Sure, there's no reason to cry, but why do I still see this grey sky?

"I want to have you cuz you're all I got. Don't want to lose you cuz it means a lot. All the joy this world can bring doesn't give me anything when you're not here. Idiot me, Stupid fool. How could you be so uncool. To fall in love with someone who doesn't really care for you, it's so obscure. But I feel wonderful. Yes I feel wonderful. God it makes me feel so good everytime I think about you. All of the heat of my desire, smoke and lights some crazy fire. Come on kid look at me where I stand, can't you see my heart burning in my hand? Do you want me do you not? Does it feel cold baby or does it feel hot? I want to hold you and be so held back. Do want to need you but it's where I'm at. Thinking about you everyday, how come I was made this way? It's so surreal. But I feel wonderful." "Wonderful" Annie Lenox

"I don't want to talk about things we've gone through, though it's hurting me now it's history. I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say no more ace to play. The winner takes it all. The loser standing small. Beside the victory that's our destiny. I was in you arms, thinking I'd belong there. Figured it made sense building the offense. Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there. But I was a fool, playing by the rules. The gods my throw a dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone waydown here loses someone dear. The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain why should I complain? But tell me does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you, but what can I say rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide the likes of me abide. Spectators of the show always staying low. The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all. I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad and I understand you've come to shake my hand. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, loss of confidence. But you see, the winner takes it all." "The winner takes it all" Abba

"You've been my golden best friend. I can't go to you for cosolation, cuz you're off limits during this transition. This grief overwhelms me it burns in my stomach and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple together. I thought we'd be happy together. I thought limitless together. I thought we'd be precious together but I was sadly mistaken. You've been my soulmate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you. With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw fun and expansion. This loss is hard, it peirces my chest, and I can't stop dropping everything." "Simple Together" Alanis

"It's gonna take some time this time to get me myself in shape. I really fell out of line this time, I really missed the gate. The birds on the telephone line are crying out to me, next time. And I won't be so blind next time and I'll find some harmony. But it's going to take some time this time and I can't make demands, but like the young the young tree in the wintertime I learn how to bend." "Take Some Time" The Carpenters

"There's no need to argue anymore. I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad is the one thing that I had: I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the things we once shared, watching tv, movies together. But they say it will work out fine. Was it all a waste of time, cuz I knew I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me."

"I can't find a feeling to let go. Even though you have a new love and he's what your dreams are made of. I can't find a reason to hang on, but when a wrong can be forgiven without you it ain't worth living alone. Sometimes I wakeup crying at night and sometimes I scream out your name."

"I don't know where to start. Say I'm tired or throw a party. These cucumber rines are lying the more that I smile about it and all my clothes feel like someone's old throw-aways. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love. Cuz every color goes where you do. I'm adoring you. It's all good. You're so beautiful, I'm black and blue all over. You're breaking my flow how could you know what I'm saying about it? When all of my clothes feel old, I don't like it. It's good to be in love and really that's so true. I'm happy you're in love cuz every color goes where you do. I feel so powerless. I've got to stop this somewhere, come on what could I do? Why's it happening, how's it happening that he feels it without me?"

"It's late, the end of the month. I look at my watch, the rain begins. In the distance I see the memory of a love. He doesn't see me. It was a long time ago."

"Let me spend my life devouring your every thought and step. Let your moles be erased and then reappear with every hug and kiss. And now that you're here I'm happy again. I once understood you were mine. Let me love you and that my tears dry yours. Let every sky have a cloud and let it rain until it makes puddles. Let me kiss you until you are breathless, and hug you so tightly to separate your bones. And now you're here again and I remember the happiness I felt. I want to pursue you, to learn of you, to love you day and night, spend my whole life on you. I want to tie you to my heart, carry you like a tatoo, I want to lose my sanity in you."

"Maybe it's the daily rain that has risen your level. Music no longer has the same effect it once had. Maybe I've lived too much in such a small, short time that now I don't remember my own language or how I used to feel. I feel that I no longer have the strength to jump and grab the sun. And despite how much I try, I don't listen to my own voice. I don't know if I've lived 1000 days or one day 1000 times and I add you to my story wishing I could change my losses for wins. I need you. You are part of me, I need you here, it's that I haven't learned how to live without you."

"Say goodbye to now knowing when the truth in my whole life began. Say goodbye to know knowing how to cry, you taught me that.
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me now that I'm standing here on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me. I'll remember.
Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing. Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own, I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember.
I learn to let go of the illusion that we could posess. I learn to let go, I travel in stillness, and I'll remember happiness, I'll remember love..."

Sucks to Grow Up

It's been several years on this blog. It's been years longer waiting to wake up arrived. It's been a life in progress even longer, and I feel worn out. I feel a change, I feel an acceptance, I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up.

I've been fighting the truth for a decade. I've been in denial most of my life. I've been beating around the bush, and I see I'm still where I was. I feel different, I see the world in a new light, I know that it's time to start to grow up.

I've been pushing some boundaries, while abiding by others. I excuse myself from myself. I have tales and secrets untold. I know, I've known it would culminate. I've known I'd have to face my demons myself, and I know that this is part of growing up.

heart

I have rocks in my stomach again. I guess I should stop serving myself stone soup.

Not Sure...Just Thoughts, nothing more than words...

I went kicking and screaming.
I wasn't going to have anything to do with it.
But the truth paralyzes me.
Exposure to what I thought I wanted makes me see I don't want it.

I can't face myself sometimes. Like standing outside of a theater trying to tell a story to a lady selling flowers. I promised I'd would complete the mission, but after the victory, I saw I may have lost more than gained. When all are sleeping, I escape to the night and wonder if I have learned anything at all. I don't know, but I know that life keeps moving regardless.

Too prideful to look behind me. Too prideful to realize that I am wrong. Too selfish to be happy for the fortune of others, like winning the game means more than a person.


I would give you my waist. I would give you my lips to kiss when ever you wanted. I give you my sanity and few neurons that remain. I give you my faded shoes, my journals, my breaths... just don't leave again. You are my sun, the faith with which I live. My love, my desire to live and laugh. Your the goodbye I will never know how to say because I could never live with out you. If one day you decide to leave again, I would lock all the doors and close all the windows, so you could never leave me. I would give you my silence, my nose, my bones, just stay with me. You are my voice, my feet to walk, my starlight, my life.

I feel that an old tale doesn't have all the answers that I thought it did. I feel that I can't hear or write down the sadness I feel. But there, there is some hope that burns in my heart, but I lose it in myself. I feel I've been a faithful enemy, a blue devil. I feel I've another dream, something that watches the sky rain. And there is an old tale that was written, I wasn't able to understand it. I lost myself in me.

Smile like you mean it. Just let go. It's all in the hands of something more. Just take a bow, play the part of a lonely heart.

For as long as I can remember I've been longing for something like you to come my way. It felt right. And then it slipped away. How am I to fall in love like that again? I'm still thinking of you with tears in the pouring rain, I'm still missing those nights of us together. You see, I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.
Now I hide in myself, behind this shadowed smile. Only myself to blame. Tell me how will I ever fall in love like that again? I'm still remembering the walks in the dark, the trips out of town for the night, the days we never left the house. Now this house holds your memory and all in it. I never knew I'd have so many tears to cry.
Missing you, missing you, missing you.

You were my best friend. And now I lay my hand down. I can't run to you because you're now off limits. I don't know where to go now, just grief burning in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things. I thought we'd be simple, happy, limitless, precious together. But I was wrong. You were my soul mate and then some. I remembered you the moment I met you, With you I knew God's face was handsome. With you I saw the universe expanding. This loss is wrong, I can't stop dropping everything. I thought we'd be sexy, evolving, have a family together. If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented, a dime for all the hands thrown up in the air, my wealth would run over. I thought we'd be genius, healing, growing, adventurous, exploring, inspired, flying, on fire together. But I was sadly mistaken.

I loved how you smelt after a shower. I miss your smile, how you would try and look at both sides to drive me crazy. How you would play music just to annoy me and then hug me. How you would speak of your family. How you would tell me about your day. I miss these things about you. This is not time for a weak heart. These days I keep my raw heart wrapped up tight. I struggle to lay down my torch for you like this.
I miss your head on my pillow, miss you petting the dog, I miss you dragging me to a boring movie, I miss you talking to your friends on the phone, I miss the light in your eyes when we sip our coffee in the morning. I miss the way your shoes were never in the closet.
So one step forward, I keep going. I try to tell myself to move on. But I still miss your head by mine, I miss talking about the future, I miss you telling me to read more books. My heart is left weak, not time for stumbling, not the days for broken dreams. I struggle to lay down my torch for you.

Every dream, every impression. Every fault, every detail all under control. Every certainty, every approximation. Every scene under supervision. The casualty has taken on the guise of a butterfly that could be love. You have no idea how much I would have loved you, if you had just waited a moment longer. My gestures, my voice, no longer.

colors that could never mix, dreams in bags of ice floating out to sea. Silence that we attacked. We are lovers that never felt spring, that can't make each other laugh. Just venom in our love. We always hid out bad moods. So look at me, and look at you, tell me what you see.
It's that you and I never fit in the same love song. We are A and B.
My eyes are tired of crying, they want to rest. So give me a hug and let's say goodbye, don't try and fix what cannot be fixed.

But me and my armor, I've had to grow strong. I have duel coats, not been trusted with a heart. I'm a sweet piece of work, with good intentions, not perfect, wrongly labeled, treated as a rose when really an orchid. My friends cannot be objective, but truly wanting what's best. Misunderstood, I learn to learn about myself.. I require a special care. So I live in my blind spot, I thought I was usual when I'm not... so this sweet piece of work, I'm high maintenance, different, and deserving of all happiness. I get overwhelmed, I'm unobserved, I've been misread, don't know who I'm supposed to be, but always hoping, never losing hope.

So it begins. I am going to mold my body into the shape I want it. Enough is enough applies to me and this point. I'm the only obstacle in my way. And thanks to my sister who was the one to convince me to finally do it. Not by telling me to do it, but by doing it herself! ;)

Still working through...

I still have to close my eyes while the internal storm and numbness sets in.
Despite thinking that I was over it.
When I read that you have moved on and I still stand still with my dirty hands.
I'm left quiet and disturbed.
Numb.
I still want to blame you for everything.

I thought I had a handle on it all.
I thought I had no more emotion.
I thought I was done finally.
But I still want you to hurt like you hurt me.
The return of Saturn.

Still...

I'm still hindered by my own disdane. I wish I could let go, but I have learned that sometimes I'm not meant to be happy in every aspect of my life. Something has to give.

So I finally have some free time to muse. Sitting at the airport in Omaha waiting for my flight to board, an hour to go.
I'm 29. I want to have goals for this year. I want to start my 30s on a good, solid footing. So many thoughts swirl in my head as to what I want to accomplish by May of next year. I feel like I have a lot already set in motion.
So my goal is in two major areas: I want to get a much better body and I want to get a 3.5 GPA in school this next semester. I have a lot of other goals, but those are big ones because they require a lot of dedication. I will have to sacrifice a lot for them, but looking over the past years that I have spent in my 20s, I feel that I have been extravagant enough. I have had, and enjoyed the good foods, now it's time to be healthy. I have done poorly in school, but now I need to perform, and not only get good grades, but actually learn the information because this is my profession and what I am going to be doing to help people.

Writing to write to express to be

The rain came down on the window of the red car. The wipers needed to be replaced. The trees swam by in a blur. It had been hours since leaving the house.

The lights were low. sillouettes darted back and forth. The beat was intoxicating. Pulsating through veins, fibers, tissues. Moving, bouncing, gliding, driving, tapping, snapping, clapping, other hot bodies turning, bending on the floor. Feeling the touch of strangers swaying to the same call, the same rhythm, separate in a mass as one.

I was waiting for you. You told me to be there, to wait there for you. So I waited, in the night. Just one word I wanted to hear. My pain could have been cured. Just one lie broke my soul. Underlying emotions being swept in the waves of out sea. So I leave, I leave without knowing if you ever really kissed me. I can pretend all is peaceful, wonderful, the memories only bring smiles and laughs. But just one gesture brought back my memory, those that now make me cry. You knew me, but never got to know me. I handed you my heart, and you sold it to the wind. I know have my own path, and I leave.

What are you doing? I never was supposed to meet you, so leave. I don't feel safe anymore since you bring out my weaknesses. Maybe I can just pretend that you will love me. Don't let my imagination run away with me. But it just isn't meant to be, not planned. I don't want to feel anything for you, stop making me feel. I was so happy on my own. The world turned over and under, really stop getting any closer to me. You're already making this too hard and complicated. This can't be happening. I run for cover, trouble ensuing. I can't resist you any more, I nearing my point of no return. I'm at bay, a siege, surrounded, I can only give in to survive, I can only try to let you love me since I never had the chance to chose to love you or not. I wish I wasn't so weak, it's all your fault.

I'm trading in my social smile for a taste and smell of something real.
The whirlwind in my head no longer trying to comprehend you or your thoughts.
I accept you how you want me to perceive you.
I understand the work involved, I do it too.
But some things cannot be bought, only given.
I thought it was what I wanted. So badly.
But I have changed my mind.

I try to learn to see the sky. To measure it's blue.
I want to taste the salt of the ocean and appreciate its life.
The strum of a guitar in the night equates peace.
Coloring a paper princess with a future queen at my side.
The text into my brain to lighten my doubts.

My energy is finite. My love infinite.
I hope, I have always hoped,
and I will forever hope. Forever evolve,
forever change, forever question.

Life is here and now. I am here and now.

I wish we were talking. I heard this amazing new song today; you'd love it.
The hallway is still, the lights are on and my keys dangling in the doorknob.
The light brush of your hand on my memory.
Were you afraid to fall? Were you scared to fly?

I load the dishwasher, remembering your advice.
I hold the frame for a picture, but there's no camera.
Close your eyes, it's getting late again, but no sleep comes.
Looking under my bed for lost tokens and tickets to ride.

The sun streams though the curtains. Making my walls striped.
Canceling the thoughts before they can impulse my veins.
Imagining what life could be, when I'm back to normal.
I stepped from one roller coaster to another.

Ice in my water, condensation dripping on the table.
I just wasn't prepared for the end of the show.
Let's just get back on and ride the big one, give it all.
But I guess we did, and now it's come to a complete stop.

still live to tell

You had to tell me when the sky was blue and clear.
You had to tell me to listen to the music in the breeze.
You told me how to dance to time.

Like a ribbon tied around my senses I kept myself from living.
I waited for the clouds to part rather than enjoy the rain.
I stayed on the ground not trusting my balance.

The illusions came, you presented them to me.
I looked into them, into your eyes and believed.
Soon they faded, you no longer played your charade.

You left me weak and a mess. I forgot who I was.
I departed from you, but always turning to look back.
I wasn't ready.

Who were you to affect me so much?
Who were you that I handed my soul over to you?
Who was I that I let go so easily?

But now I see on my own, I hear on my own again.
I am happy to feel and sense on my own again.
A lesson you are still teaching, I am still learning.

But I recognize, and remember. I am still learning of myself.
I am not afriad to fall again, it will happen, I am only human.
I am not afraid to love again, I am human afterall.

Caution is now guilded in my actions, for I am still new.
Action is my plan, and walking, running, loving, laughing.
With myself, with another, but fully with myself.

Finishing Thoughts

No longer do you ask to be excused.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.

I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.

You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.

I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.

No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.

I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.

warm

The grey sky fit my stomach. I watched the drops of rain sprinkling from the sky. The world seemed to hold it's breath, watching the few drops of water fall.

I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.

The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.

I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.

The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.

Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.

It's funny how the past blurs the tears and pain.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.

I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?

Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.

I tell myself

It's okay to remember the good times,
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.

Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.

It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.

Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.

It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.

rinse and repeat

Day one. Day one again.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.

Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.

I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.

So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.

still here

Heal. I hate that word because it usually means that there's pain involved. My mind is all over the place. I don't know what I feel any more. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm just tired of not being over Matt. He has moved on. Calls me the "ex who still has feelings." He is so over me it's like we never had a past together in his head.

So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.