it is what it is, and I know what I feel

How do you tell your friend, yes, we are talking. How do you tell your friend, yes, we are moving in that more-than-friends direction. How do you tell your friend that it's with someone he still isn't over?

I'm trying to be mature. Maturity is something I saw in N and liked. I have resolved to do what I can to let some of the little boy in me fall into the past. While fiercely guarding my childhood dreams, and the childlike ambitions and views, I know that I need to grow up in certain areas too. Relationships being one of them. No, I'm not going to find Mr. Perfect. He doesn't exist. If someone doesn't like me, then I accept that it happens. If someone has a life outside of me while we are just getting to know each other, that is their prerogative. I need to let the cynicism go. I need to stop worrying that they are spending time with me only so they can hurt me in the end.

I need to just relax and enjoy what I have. I'm a big boy. If you don't like me, then I'll move on just fine. I'll recover from the broken heart and bruises, I'll stay alive.

And I also know that I would rather my friend be happy and I temporarily unhappy rather than both unhappy. I know because I have had to watch a man I felt strongly for kiss and hold other men so a friendship could develop. In my heart I knew that is what I needed to do. And now I feel the same feeling that in my heart, I am doing what I need to be doing. I don't regret and I'm not looking for reasons. I'm following my intuition. And I can honestly say I'm happy, but not without the wish that my friend would accept that not everything is the way he thinks and expects it to be. But I'm not giving up on him either. I have a gut feeling that things will work out; everything is going to be alright.

a little bit of nothing

A summer party was thrown one beautiful, sunny day. A large, cool glass of lemonade was given to each guest upon arrival. All talked, laughed and shared one another’s company. As the glasses were emptied, the guests slowly left, and soon there was no one left in the yard. The streamers and banners gently wafted in the breeze, and darkness began to descend. No one ever noticed the large pitcher of lemonade on the table, brimming with the sweet juice. No one ever noticed it.

If you could only see the way

My lunch today was a sandwich purchased from a vending multi-level refrigerated carousel. Ugh. It was only made bearable by pilfering for Wendy’s ketchup packets from my co-worker’s desk and then spurting the contents on the sandwich and squeezing out every last drop of red goodness. I’m sure I’ll survive, and yes, things were in such a state that I needed something solid. I can only drink water and coffee for so long.

The minute I walked into work this morning and unloaded all my unnecessary necessities, my co-worker/self-acclaimed clairvoyant came over with her ceramic turtle paper-weight and predicted that today not very much work would get done. Who am I to try and disprove the turtle? So not much work has been completed today.

I’m loving my new gmail account. It is the best thing since my first hotmail account. I feel all special when I get a new message and I can “archive” and then search for mail rather than sort it. Wow. I stand all amazed at the freedom gmail has given me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I like The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf better than Starbucks. But I was recently introduced to the “Mocha Valencia” from SB. Not bad, but not very good either. No wonder they omitted that from the menu.

I am growing a beard, but today reached my threshold and cannot endure it any longer. I am going to trim it, shave it, not sure which. But something needs to change. Everyone says I look good with the beard, but I think I’ll experiment more with it in the fall.

I was reading a blog today and I saw an entry where Madonna’s acting was totally picked apart. I have to agree, but sheesh, stop looking for the man behind the curtain. It’s just like we know the beaches in Southern CA are sucky for swimming but we all go anyway. And on that note, I’d even love to move closer to them so I could be miserable many times a year, dealing with the horribly cold, murky water. And I will continue to see all of Madonna’s movies despite the fact that I cringe through the whole thing at the transparent, fully calculated delivery of the lines. BUT I LOVE YOU MADONNA!!! Don’t tell me I don’t sacrifice for true love. It’s all a give and take relationship.

I’ve almost finished the 6th Harry Potter book. I feel like nothing has been accomplished. I want to smack Harry and tell him to stop getting so wrapped up in Draco, and I need to let JK Rawling know that it seems she didn’t enjoy writing this book as much as the others. It seems that she rushed through it and just wanted to be done. Yes ma’am, we readers pick up on things like that. But since I’m addicted, and the story line is still rather enticing, I’ll finish it.

distressed that sometimes the XL shirt fits perfectly

I realized that it’s okay to feel bad for noticing a difference between the email N and the person that came to visit. I was feeling so upset because in my mind I was telling myself that I should not be feeling upset for the difference. The event showed that he and I can be good friends but nothing more and I was hurt that once he actually met me, he lost interest. I started figuring that there must be something terribly wrong with me. And I was mad at myself for feeling this way, that I should just be accepting of it. But it’s okay to feel bad. I know I’m not a perfect person, but I’m also a good person, and confusion of what was different about meeting in person is okay to feel. It’s also okay that we didn’t click. I know that it was not on my part. He had his reasons. While I would like to know the reasons, I don’t want to know them. I must just continue to try and improve myself on a daily basis. After all, everyone is just traveling down their own road, watching the signs as they go, following their own hearts.

never to send

I was hoping that you could breathe freely. But I focused so much on what I wasn’t feeling from you that I never realized that you never fully relaxed.

I understand now that we are two different people, but I don’t hesitate to say the same in so many ways. We were quick to attack any silence between us, the concern we feigned for the other became nearly a poison. I never heard you enter or leave. We never made each other laugh. It was a false situation and we always hid our bad moods. We don’t flow like A and B, we could never fit in the same room for long.

Tell me truthfully, don’t sensor your tears. I want to know where you run for comfort, I want to make sure you are loved. I want to reach out and hug you and hold you close so you feel that I care for you. And hold you with the knowledge that I will let go to let you fly freely. I worry that you are a scared child inside yet much braver than myself. I want to touch your face and feel where you think. I want to see you joyful in your lover’s arms. I no longer want to see the façade of a smile on your lips, but the real thing. Right now that is what I desire for you. Right now that is how I feel about you.

I wish I could see you as a little boy, before all the walls were built. I wish I knew you before I built mine. Your eyes always looked past me your voice always for another’s ears. I sought comfort from others and wished you had never come along.

I’m still accepting that you will never care for me the way I wish you would.

las horas tienen que segir

I dreamt last night that I tried to kill someone and then was running from the police for the rest of the dream. Why would I try and kill someone? It could represent many things. I think that it may be I’m still trying to figure out what went awry. Maybe I’m trying to just get rid of the confusion, or the hurt, or the memory. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was rejected for one reason or another, and it was only after meeting face to face. So I’m thinking it’s my physical appearance. Maybe I’m really ugly and everyone is just exceptionally nice to me.
It is what it is. But I still feel that I hit some sort of a wall. This has happened so many times that I would be foolish to get up again and dust myself off yet another time without putting some serious thought into what I need to do to change this predictable cycle.
I’m at a loss of thoughts on this matter. All I can think is that I need to bow out for an indefinite period of time.
I guess for now, I don’t believe in life after love. Sorry Cher, but I don’t for now. Um, really I don’t think I believe in love. Does that make me a stupid girl?
But I’m not selling out, I’m just walking away. I won’t be broken again. I’ll let it go for now, I’ll learn to not let it happen again.

Why do I feel sad for something I never had?

I'm sure he can cry with dry eyes and I'm done casting pearls before swine

I was thinking that I wanted to post something but I didn’t know what. I figured that I just wouldn’t, but I wanted to write. This blog seems to get more of the depression than the euphoria. I then realized that I was letting the blog dictate what I wrote in it. I was thinking I didn’t want to write anything depressing, despite that is how I feel. I then thought that I needed to get a new totally anonymous blog so I could bitch and no one would ever know, but then what’s the point of this blog? So I came round as so many others do that I need to remember this blog is mine. If I want to be sad and depressed on it, then that is what I can do.

With that justification I feel I owe the blog gods, I’ll proceed to the entry:

I feel like a butterfly that tried to spread his wings and fly but only realized he has so much more of the cocoon to break out of still.

Yet again, I have to chalk this weekend up to learning. A guy who I met came out to meet me. It was a giant leap for both of us since we met online. Over the emails we flirted and all that good stuff, but when he got here, it was like a glass wall was placed around him and I couldn’t break it. He seemed more interested in talking to and spending time with any other person in the room than me. So the illusion that months of email and such created was smashed to bits in only hours. I don’t know what to think. Did I disappoint him? Was I dishonest? I didn’t expect intimacy, but I certainly expected to feel closer to him rather than feel he was running from me and I was foolishly chasing after him. Even when we broke away from everyone at his request to talk, we didn’t talk. He became very quiet and aloof, just as he was all weekend. So that left me even more confused. But he’s home now, and I have a place to stay in Chicago should I so feel the need to visit. I was talking about that to him at the end of his visit and I said that I would definitely have to go there because I love the art museum there, or the pieces in it. He made the comment that he would be there too which took me a little by surprise because after the weekend we had just spent together, I really wasn’t looking forward to anther weekend of feeling like he was wishing he wasn’t there. I figured he wasn’t interested in the least should I breathe or asphyxiate.

I just felt torn all weekend. Until we were at the Zoo Party; I was still trying to make sense of something when it just dawned on me that it was a futile cause. He was on his phone all weekend for a reason. He would wander off and talk to other people for a reason. I saw the difference between a genuine and fake smile. Towards the end I saw a lot of the fake smile. Something was wearing on him. So then I just let it go as I said at the party and that was that. The ride back to Phx the following day was pleasant. Only after he left did all the doubts and such return. I guess I switched into survival mode to endure the last day with him. I couldn’t handle the pain and he seemed bent on keeping closed.

So that was my weekend. This is the last time I ever trust really anyone, even if they seem genuine. I’ll let him slip into the past, but I will keep in mind that he lives in Chicago, oh yes, I will remember that I owe him a visit to Chicago…

Why should I be sad for what I never had?

I find that there are a few people, very few, who affect me in such a way that when I am around them, and even when I’m not around them, I feel like I need to improve my life drastically and become so much more than I am. But it’s not in a sense that I am not good enough right now, but that I see the room for my improvement and I want to improve.
I think that’s a better way of stating it: These people shine a light on where I would like to improve. They add to the drive for me to change, but in the end my ambition is to better myself for my sake because I know that these people already accept me and like me for what I am right now.

sometimes I feel down, way down

I feel like I need to run. Run far away from here. So lately I’ve been feeling like I need to get a million things done yesterday. And yesterday I was productive. I think what I’m all upset about is that I don’t have a porn star body despite the fact I’ve been going to the gym for 2 days straight now. ;) Also I have 2 HUGE tests that I need to study for.
But seriously. I’m not one for patience. But this is another of life’s lessons to teach me that virtue.

I’m worried about when N comes into town. From his emails and phone calls, he seems a bit egotistical. I hope not. He professes to be humble, but that should be a red flag obscuring the pretty view right away.

I’m back to feeling like I need to run. Run fast and far.

I’m lost in space. I need a place I can return to. Some days it seems everything fails. I just can’t win. It’s just one disappointment after another. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never measure up. Sigh. This is when I tell myself it’ll all be okay. But how do you get over the feeling and fear that you are incapable of ever being truly loved? I always suspect that everyone is using me, but for what? What do I have to offer? The only thing I can surmise is that I’m used for the other people I know.
Low self esteem, I know. I’ve heard it before.

Today I had to fight the urge to drop a friend completely. But this particular person I feel doesn’t really like me and could live just fine if I weren’t there. But then that’s how I feel about a lot of people.

“Why do you love me? Why do you love me? Why do you love me? It’s driving me crazy.”

“I wish I had a metal heart, I could cross the line. I wish I was half as good as you think I am.”

But I’m not gonna crack, no I’m never gonna crack, I’m running my baby, I’m running.

bang, bang, I shot you down

I long to return and feel what was spoken. Tied to your memory. The hours must march on. Wanting you, alone and without you. Being precise, so far away and right here.

I still think you have the most beautiful face. It just makes me sad most of the time.

I have always strived to reach the good life. But I think in certain aspects I am waiting for an easy ride there.

I unfortunately fell for a guy. But I’m just in lust with him. Give me a few days. Then I’m sure it will all be over but the crying. I may have said too much or heard too much. But in the long run I know that he wouldn’t be anyone I’d want to try and date.

I still to this day worry that when I meet people all they see are my flaws. And then I feel that the better one gets to know me, the more flaws seem to rise to the surface. I’ve realized that only a few people I feel truly comfortable around because they have seen all my flaws and are still around. But I am perplexed as to why anyone would want to hang around for that long.
It’s funny how we perceive ourselves.

so soon

This weekend was a whirlwind. I think it started with a birthday party for a good friend. I just remember alcohol, friendship and CHANGE!!!!
The following day was met with yummy Chinese food and a much needed nap. Then it started again with a pool BBQ and then off to play darts. I totally sucked it up at darts, by the time Amsterdam rolled around, I was ready to cash in my chips and go to bed. I was so tired. Sunday was nice. I went to browse the mall with some friends and that was a hoot. I must say I enjoyed the alternative lyrics to “New York, New York”

Today I am very tired from not sleeping well at all last night. So this will be an early night.

I can’t believe how soon the trip to SD is and N will be here just next week. Wow.

If you Forget Me In Wonderland

A balance. That seems to be what I always come back to. Everytime. What parts of my life are out of balance?

I think more personal time would benefit me. But not just sitting alone but to evaluate my life on a daily basis and make sure I'm doing the things that will help me to accomplish my long term and short term goals. I think setting aside a time each week would help me to figure out what direction I needed to go the following week.

I find I really want to start making my life healthy. Now that I'm feeling MUCH better I feel I have the energy to pick back up where I left off by eating good again and going to the gym much more frequent.

I'm really excited about Madonna's new album... well, mostly excited. I'm wishing that she would have done a few slow songs, some ballads, and not named it Confessions on a Dancefloor. But I'm holding my breath that possibly she might be returning to her roots some. I wonder if this album will produce any songs that will become immortal like "Into the Groove" and "Vogue" but only time can tell those tales.

I'm not the same, I have no shame, I'm on fire

Anyone who has been brave enough to venture outside in the Valley of the Sun knows what hot is.

It's definitely hot.

I close my eyes, oh God I think I'm falling

To begin, my new favorite blog is http://dmr.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/. I think what got me hooked are the Madonna references. And Luv went through a Wendy's drive-through too. I hate to admit it but I have been through a Burger King and Taco Bell drive-through WITHIN THE LAST 24 HOURS. I felt that at least another kindred soul (or fast-food glutton) was going to have to run extra miles also to make up for the trash that has been willfully consumed. God bless your jolly soul sir, and my running shoes.

Today I had my monthly review here at work. I fell under the benchmark. I didn't reach the numbers required. I AM NOT MEETING EXPECTATIONS. But there isn't a soul in management that knows that. I got a toothy smile, a pat on the back, and the encouraging words to "Keep up the good work." And management right now doesn't care to learn what I do exactly. If everyone worked where I did, the world would be a much happier place. Granted nothing would get done, but we'd all be at happy hour every Friday and that, dear friends, is happiness.

My sinus issue is finally clearing up. But I have a Dr's appointment tomorrow. Good 'ol Ruthy took my call at the Dr's office. I imagined a middle aged woman, somewhat robust who probably brought in cookies on Mondays and jelly rolls on Wednesdays. She was surprised when I told her that Dr. Wilson was the winner of my eenie-meenie-miney-moe strategy of choosing a dr. Course I didn't expect her to grunt in approval, and then proceed to tell me just how much everyone likes him and that most of their clients are referrals from other patients, as if my serendipity was an act of God's will leading me to the truth in the name of deity amen. But then who am I to judge? Ruthy just might know something I'm going to find out tomorrow morning at 9:45 sharp.

I'll be sure to wear clean underwear.

And socks.

Just in case.

love tried to welcome me, but my soul drew back

So it's official. I like someone. A lot. I didn't realize until I couldn't sleep last night because he emailed me. But this too shall pass. I'm in no mood to deal with anyone right now.

But just for now. I dream of sharing a house with him. I want to wake up next to him and take the dogs for a walk and then make breakfast. Maybe if this were a Sunday we would go back to bed... nice thoughts...

It's been a long time since I've let anyone make me feel this way. I think I almost forgot how. I've finally hardened up my heart I think I'm almost not capable of liking anyone really for more than a few days.

Okay there, I'm over it all. My black, cold heart of stone has returned. I don't like him anymore, I'm being serious too.

My heart goes out to those in England. I know it affects the whole country; the whole world. I pray that someday this hate will end.

I don't believe that fighting hate with hate is the answer. I disagree with what I saw said on CNN today at the gym, aiming our bitterness towards the terrorists will not end terrorism. I don't have the answer. But as Newton said, there is an opposite and equal reaction and will cancel it out. Love is opposite of hate. I think Christ is correct in saying, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." I think therein lies the answer.

I wish I could have known the terrorists when they were children. I wish I could have been there to love them and show them that people can care, that may have prevented the senseless killing of others. I know that it is impossible and while there is evil in this world, there will be hate and hate crimes. The world as a whole is bad. But the individual people can be angels. I know a few of them. I wish love was as contagious as hate. Today after leaving a tutoring session, a man asked for money. He wasn't your garden variety beggar, but something didn't seem wholly right either. But who am I to judge? What's a dollar to me? I guess I'll go with one less drink this weekend. I can make that sacrifice. And it made me happy.

Love a child, save the world.

Bitter-Sweet Return

Bitter = I'm not in San Diego any more.
Sweet = It's always nice to be home.

Worst Regret: Not charging my camera's battery before the big party.

Best Memory: Watching the fireworks explode over San Diego Bay while surrounded by close friends. Does it get any better?

Song of the weekend: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

Best Comment of the weekend: "It's electric! Boogie woogie woogie!!!"

I guess the consolation is that I'll be back in just under four weeks to celebrate pride! Anyone else going to be there?

Happy Birthday to the United States!

A view of San Diego from my friend's balcony.

What's a party with out a little scandal? And, boys and girls, this was just the beginning. But unfortunatly my battery died early on. But I suppose some things are better left to recount verbally.

The gang at the party.

Bryan and I on Coronado Beach.

I'd take two if I was you

My thoughts are going 278km in every direction. They aren’t making any sense. I am feeling so much one minute and then utter emptiness another.

I think he’s losing interest. But then he seems to still talk about a future. It seems that an energy is lacking in his words. A comfort or certainty lost. But I cast it from my mind. I can’t worry about fairytales.

Will it be fun? I know I have a past, and it’s something I’m not proud of. It makes my heart ache when people bring up my not-so-great past. I try and put a fake smile on. But it hurts all the same. I know they don’t mean to rub my face in the mud, but that’s how I feel. It’s my won guilt from the game that I lost.

I’m learning that it’s the differences in people that make them great. I’m learning how to understand that people show their affection in different ways. No one else out there is going to show attention or affection in the way that I do.

I feel silly when left wishing you would take more time to communicate with me. The miles to go before we meet are each a hindrance. I’m down to be open, but sometimes I’m just down.

What do you have to say Frou Frou? “It’s your life, but you’ve only got one.”

I have to respect it is yours. But don’t keep me on the periphery for long. I’m a central kinda guy. I am your center since I make you mine. I won’t rotate around anything else. Once you commit yourself to me and me to you, I am your family. I come first. I can not survive any other way and I won’t settle.

Last night the darts were fun. I think that with a few more years practice I should be decent. The hot tub ran a little long. I didn’t have the excitement of new interest energy to propel me on. Soft bed never felt so good. But I had to leave my cares and worries on the floor last night. I knew they would be there when I got up. But when in bed I needed a quiet head.

Having my shirts cleaned and pressed and starched for me is the best things EVER!!

When I talk to an rph she makes me all flustered and that twittery feeling. She’s married. Has a child. I’m gay. She’s not. I have a crush on her.

1

2

3

Embrace

embrace what? everything. Just stop fighting it and embrace it. Things seem to get done more thorough when done with patience. change comes slowly but as long as it's coming, what's the rush? enjoy the change. find happiness in the day to day routine. no need to just live through the days. while work may be drudgery my attitude doesn't. right. good moods. life is really too short to just live through it. Enjoy. Embrace.

Ode to a Ropero

I’m breathing in and out.
Confused about you and me.
I’d buy the whole damn tienda de ropa
Just to see your eyebrows often.

Me miento that we could ever be more.
You have a novio and I would too.
You make mariposas jump to color their wings more.
Ashamed that evolution didn’t give them the brilliance you have.

Tell the sol to make me for you.
To make me shine in your ojos like a jewel.
I reach out to hold you in my veins,
I search Neruda and Dickinson for answers.

My love, mi amor, the wind whispers words,
Working, waxing my melee’s front
On your fortress. My silent battle cry.
Understanding in silence I shall dwell for now.

todas cosas buenas y malas se acaban

Mi corazón grita callado por tu ausencia.
Mis lágrimas botan desde mis ojos cerrados
Hasta el fondo de mi alma vació.
No se porque te fustes de aquí. No entiendo
Porque te marchaste, dejando mi, mi amor.
La soledad me habla y causa que sospeche,
rogándole a la luna que me de una respuesta.

Ahora gasto las tardes navegando un café.
Las memorias de ti que salpican mi cordura.
Donde haya paz de los recuerdos voy.
He pegado la pared más debajo de la calle.
El castillo que construí contigo queda dentro
Pesados están los hombros, las rocas y ladrillos.

Tu corazón engañó el mío y ahora se ría
Se burla de mí. Te busco y solo encuentro mar.
Bolsas llenas de colores y bolas. La vida se llana.
Lloro, te busco, grito, pienso, hablo, como, bebo,
Vomito, mato, abrazo, beso, doblo, caliento, frío.

it is, so be it.

So then, I am trying really hard to just let things happen, let things go, and not look so deeply into things.
It seems that as soon as I write down what my silly thoughts are, they really transform into very silly thoughts indeed. I was feeling a bit irked that it seemed that I was always writing huge emails to N and then only getting a few lines in response. But I reminded myself that he was very pleasant in conversation on the phone and picked up a lot of my slack when I just ran out of things to say. So emailing may not be his forte, I don’t know. That’s why I’m not going to look too deeply into this or anything else for that matter.

It is what it is.

That is my new mantra. I need to just let things be as they are. I’m single and aware of it. That’s just me right now. I don’t know what the future holds. All I can do is try and enrich my life and really enjoy the circumstance I have.

Also I was talking with A and while I was talking I realized that I was looking forward to the San Diego trip so much that I was hating the other days just for not being the day of San Diego. I need to enjoy each day and make things happen. And get some sleep. That sounds nice.

Enjoying things for what they have to offer, for what they are. A small conversation with a friend. A song from the 80s that reminds you of your childhood and when you would clean the bathroom every Saturday morning. A joke from a co-worker.

Just relax and let things go the way Providence has determined.

Funny but this brings up an experience that I had in my biochemistry class. I was debating dropping the class, but a very strong impression told me to not drop. So I didn’t. Things got much better in the class and to my surprise I passed with a grade better than I had thought possible. I think God still acts in my life (or the energy, whatever) to help direct my life… He’ll let me wander around some but when it looks like I’m going to really deviate from the path, I get bumped back on.

So with that perspective… understanding that there is a force that is keeping things under control… can I really worry too much about my life? I take care of the day to day things and keep my long term goals in view and work towards them, and then the lose ends that move beyond my means are taken care of.

It’s kind of nice to think like that.

I'd like to trade him in for a newer, upgraded model please

I'd like to get out of this rat race we call the game of love. Maybe settle down with someone. That would be nice.

It seems that boys always have their eyes out for something better. I understand that possibbly it is that we haven't found what we're looking for.

"Am I it? Could you get more?" "Is it you I want?"

I just hope that there's someone out there for me. I know there's someone out there, there just has to be.

So What's the Deal

with everyone revamping their blogs? I guess I can relate since I've felt bored of the blog and wished it would magically turn into a page that Madonna would read daily. But if that were a 20 point blog mine definitely would be a 3.14... hehe.

Pi.

I guess I'm over worrying that the masses don't flock and I'm not garnering any prestige.

The stigma of having the best blog in town or trying to break free and be 180 from everyone else seems to have infected many bloggers' minds.

Must. Get. Out. Of. Rut.

Or get into the rut cuz everyone else has seemed to leave it.

Let the blog be it's own blog. It is what it is. Mine: boring as hell some days, and inspiring other days. But I seem to still keep writing and enjoy it.

Kudos to chasingmercury.org! I think that embodies the essence of a blog.

Notice the name change? What's in a name? It just seemed to fit.

A Much Needed Laugh

The Gay flight attendant meets the princess.....


An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you."

"Tray-up bitch."

light thoughts

For awhile now, something that has been in the back of my mind is religion. Not that I am going back to active church attendance and paying tithing and will return to the temple, but that I find that its principles answer some of my questions as to why I am unhappy.

I find that I get stressed a lot and feel indignant over small and large things alike. I get jealous, or upset, etc. These are feelings that I just don't like. But a few days ago the impression hit me that all this was because I was looking at life with the perspective of "what can I get out of this."

I was/am a very selfish, prideful person. I still get caught up in my pride often, I'm not happy like that. I found that when looking at certain situations from the point of view of "how are others being affected by this" or "how am I affecting others" I have found that the bad feelings disappear. I think Christ was on to something when he said "Love thy neighbor as thyself" and "Turn the other cheek."
Things make sense with that perspective, and I feel much better.

I no longer take things so personally. I find that I am more at peace with myself.

Branching from this idea, I also am trying to put in practice the saying "I'll worry about that when I cross that bridge." This alleviates the stress of all the "what ifs" I usually wile away the hours worrying about.

I used to think that I was a generally giving person. But too often in the past I have gotten riled up over silly issues and feeling offended when I'm sure the person never meant to offend. I'm trying to be humble, to try and put others' happiness before my own. In essence I am learing to serve, to be my brother's keeper. I have so far to go, but I find that even just this small scratch on the surface has made a large difference in my life. I find I'm happier. I really do think that there is something in that religion after all.

"Let them worship how, where, or what they may..." it just seems a good idea.

I'm bored at work and I am trying to work, but my physics book is always in the corner of my eye, and I really want to grab it and study.

Test tomorrow.

I'm not feeling very prepared.

Funny how that never seemed to bother me yesterday.

at least give us a smile

So every time I see this the thought passes my mind, HOW did she get a job at HOOTERS?

celoso & Other's Words

La noche ha llegado a mi corazon.
Como una oja en el viento mi esperanza se aleja de mi.
Si pudiera olvidar el dolor dentro de mi alma.

Ya acepto que no hay lugar para mi en la cara de amor.
Las ramas de vida se me han dejado en un abismo.
Me siento en la oscuridad, sin luz, sin calor.

I'd love to ride in a fast car far away from here.
Any place will be better.
Do I leave tonight or die this way?

But I need to taste the rain.
I need to taste my tears.
I may curse the angels,
I need to face my fears.

far from the maddening crowd

Sometimes I've got a good mind to throw it all away, and never look back.
Sometimes I feel it's just not worth it.

But then I realize that I'm really really stressed.

But ending it still really sounds nice. And starting over. New.

But then I find that I'm okay a few days later.

Sometimes I really really hate being human.

faxing MD for new replacement rx

Sometimes my sanity lies in the understanding nod of a friend. Just understand me. Or at the very least pretend that you do. And maybe smile. People really are more striking with a smile on their face. When a friend of mine smiles, she seems to emit a light. Gosh I’d marry her.

Another school week done! I am finding that I really enjoy the class. Who would have thought that physics could be enjoyable. But I'm not going to spend my Friday nights studying. But definitely Saturday morning.

Chicago boy is coming at the end of July. Last night we IMed each other. I'm worried that he's too prudish for me. Not that I would want to go further than a kiss, but I worry that even to the extent that I can't even call people names... in jest... around him.
And as C pointed out, by taking him to San Diego I will be taking him to the place I have been much less than an angel. I'm sure he will hear about all of my past. But in a sense, that will be the test.

Love me despite my past, or even love my past, because it brought me to you.

I eat the salad just for the cottage cheese

Final Question:
I fall only for people I know I cannot have or who push me away. Once affection is returned, I lose interest. What are you going to do?

This responsibility thing is nice. I find that this weekend despite the big event I'm still not going. Unless I'm invited. It would be rude of me to not go if invited. But I would sacrifice my studies. I long for an A. Despite how much I may not like physics. I will learn to love it.

You just get up again, over and over and over. How many times do I read blogs or write on my own these insights to life that have freed me from the former bondage that held me. Life is too short! Live it to the fullest! Take joy in the small things....

Small things that make me really really happy:
Warm tea on my balcony, just me and the roar of the city (obviously in winter).
An email from my sister.
A letter from my mom.
My niece's smile, my nephew's laugh.
Listening to "Burning Up".
A clean bathroom.
A text from a friend.
A cello solo.
Having a full tank of gas and heading to San Diego.
That I can understand most Spanish.
Long walks with a friend.
Making dinner for my friends and no one got sick.
When my roommate loads the dishwasher.
Small talk over coffee.
Going to bed 30 mins early so I have time to just think and imagine before I fall asleep.
Relaxing in an empty steam room in the gym.
Darts with Chris
Chips and Salsa
Mint in a cosmo
Going to the Theater

Giiiirrrrrrrrrlllllllllll...!!!

Saturday night was spent at the Cho concert. I love her. She was great. I liked her message of equality and fighting for what is only fair and right. I tell you I have never seen so many gays in one area outside of pride. She definitely is the Fag Whisperer. Towards the end I realized that I was exhausted from laughing so much.

Afterwards I went dancing with E and it has been awhile since I had so much fun just letting lose and shaking my ass.

why do you leave me wanting more?

Friday night was the first time I have ever been to the ballet. And I really liked it. The shapes that the dancers formed, the incredible gracefulness, the dance, and of course the tights. It all proved to be an experience that I loved. I had to go back Saturday for a matinee also. This photo is of two Ballet Arizona dancers, and serendipitously it is a photo of my two favorite dancers. They performed a piece that was very sensual and beautiful. My friend (on the inside) introduced me to the guy. He is short, but for what he lacks in height he more than makes up for it in how adorable he is, and LOOK at his body. Yes, I am in love. He was nice and my friend told me that when she asked him to come out and meet us he said he didn't know what he'd say but he was up for it. So to face yet more drooling fans and put on a smile and endure the same comments that everyone says, was big of him. Thanks Skip, you made a new fan... or stalker... I'm not sure yet how far I want to take this... (wink).

blah

Blah. That's how I feel. When I sit down, I feel like jabba-the-hut. when I drive I feel too-much-gas. I need a dose of gym and a good night's sleep and I think I will be feeling better. But that must come tomorrow.

tonight i'm going to meet an old friend for dinner. this friendship dates back to when I was 9 years old. funny the we both turned out homos. i still laugh to myself.
the school-yard kids used to tease him for being gay. who'd a thought. now days I tease him for being gay. haha.

I agree

"i believe that there is one movie out there that epitomises the tenuous relationship that love and commitment share : closer.

more than once, when people speak of loves lost, strayed and broken, do Alice's plaintive pleas whisper through my head.

so when was it? when was that moment when you could have walked away from temptation's call? when you could have said, "i want nothing of this which draws me from the one i have committed to?"

just like there's no such thing as love at first sight, neither is there betrayal on first sight; both need nourishment and nuturing to sprout shoots and blossom. "

-http://silverliningsfrayededges.blogspot.com/

All the Things she said

Despite how tired I feel after 5 hours of physics lecture and class, and then 7 hours of work, and now I have at least 2.5 hours of homework tonight, I'm in a surprisingly good mood. I'm happy I was able to go out last night for the 45 mins. I saw lots of people who make me happy when see them. And the boy called too. Happy is how me encuentro (I find myself).
I don't' mind that my roommate has probably destroyed the kitchen with his latest cooking endeavor that usually involves lots of grease. Oh well, I'll break out the mop then.
I don't mind that the AC is on really low and the bill will be over $200. I'll make him pay ;)

I have decided to live the Word of Wisdom this month of June. That means no coffee or alcohol. Why? Cuz I can.

I'm really really excited for Chicago boy to come here to visit.

I'm having dinner with my cousin tomorrow, it's been ages since we've had time to talk. I'm excited.

Talking of Things, of Cabbages and Kings

Something weird is going on. I'm not sure what to do, but what's funny is that I feel I don't need to know. I have found many things wrong with him. He is too this and too that, and not enough here and there. But I find myself still, with him. Into his eyes myself is carried. The looks he gives me. I feel things are just falling into place. I feel like I know him. I feel like the person who he is overrides any physical short comings or any annoying mannerisms he may have. Could I be maturing and falling for a guy rather than falling for his teeth or car or quick wit? It is still much too early to tell. The fruit basket could be turned over tomorrow, and everything could become a large muddle. But for now I find I'm content to let things happen, I'm content to not know where we are going or not going.

I bought a new shower curtain today. The old one hung in there well, but was getting as all shower curtains get. And it was time for a change. The new one has some of my favorite colors in it, a small array of blues. They make me happy to see them.

C once told me, after I had just finished a spiel about how I was done playing social coordinator and just going to concentrate on enriching my life without staying socially abreast, that he hoped I would still talk to people so we could get invited to parties. That comment made me realize that talking to new people and making friends, whether they become just acquaintances, friends for a day, week, month, year, or life, is just part of me. That is what I do. I am very generous with my friendship. CC has thanked me many times for being his friend and for taking him under my wing and including him. I told him that it just seemed natural, and that is what friends do.
That is what friends do, they make small sacrifices with out expecting anything in return (unless you borrow a 20 from me bitch... ;) and they give, and they take. I find that the relationships that last and are most dear to me are the ones that I feel I am in a constant receiving state. I try to give back as best I know how and as much as I can, but I still feel the debtor. I feel for any act of kindness I may give or show, I receive 10 fold in return. I feel that they will never turn on me, that they will never betray my trust, that they will stand by me in all things. I feel that I can trust my life with them.
And we may call each other friend, but actions speak louder than words and their actions have spoken. They are very few and very far between, but I know them and they know me.

Tal Vez El Puede Vivir Sin Aire Tambien

Hoy yo estaba jugando en la red, y deambulé por un sitio que me fascinó bastante. La dirección es flipflop (dot) typepad (dot) com. Leí un poco del sitio y este hombre me pareció como fuera hecho de ficción. El tiene un carácter muy pensativo y su sabiduría salpica por palabras e ideas muy breves. El ofrece una ventana muy chiquita a su interior. Pero al ver a él, parece como modelo de A&F. ¿Podría existir alguien tan perfecto? Pensé que fuera un hombre o mujer que inventó a esta personaje para ser el imagen de lo que quisiera ser. Tal vez hay alguien en este mundo que está jugando ser un dios, y me fascinó. Si este hombre es real o una ilusión, no me importa realmente, me entretiene, y esto es solo lo que pido.

And I Breathe

25 years old now. By this age I thought that I would be married with at least one child. I guess I always assumed I'd still be in school since I was planning to head to a medical school after graduation, but now it's a pharmacy school. I think other than the marraige part, I'm on track.

I'm happy with where I am in life. I have great friends, my family is wonderful, and right now my need to be loved by another is muted by the communication with One in Chicago. I am in a secure, relatively easy job which works with my school schedule. I'm slowly attaining my goals mentally, physically, and (ever-so-slowly) spiritually.

I find also that I care for people deeper than I thought I did. I have had to allow some friends to go because I realize that when everything is said and done at the end of the day, they bring me down. I don't want to hurt, I don't want someone who I care for to hurt me. I feel my heart ache for things to be good between us, but I simply don't want to set myself up to be knocked down again.

This weekend will be very low-key for me. Of course there will be partys and BBQs, but I have avoided most of them and I will be content to lay low. The storm of school and work begins Tuesday. It's been since high school that I've taken physics. I'm worried and I will need to dedicate much time to that study.

I haven't had much to say lately. I feel like my insight on life has burned out, and I'm fumbling along in the dark and only when I stub my toe on something, or have my face slapped do I realize anything.
But I feel that I'm slowly waking up. I feel that things are going to get better. Call it a hunch.

1/4 of a Century

There is no better way to begin my 25th year than surrounded by the people I love and love me. I know first hand that the best things in life really are free.

oh nightlark, lay your head on my pillow (but let me put a case on it first)

I think tonight was one of the more enchanted evenings I have had in a long time. Thank you muchly again C.
I was treated to a wonderful dinner for my birthday at a Hawaiian restaurant. The conversation was relaxed and truthful. I love how we bat around ideas, toy with concepts, try and solve the world's problems, define that which we really don't understand, and in the end reach no real conclusions yet comprehend the world and ourselves a little bit better.
Last night was also spent in wonderful company, and dancing never felt so good. I was lost in the glee of friendship and swam in a sea of witty banter and laughter.
I helped my little sister move into her new house this morning while letting those who crashed at my house finish sleeping off the effects of drinking. I'm happy she's in town now. It will give me an opportunity to get to know her better and share in her life a bit more.
My brain is full of thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. I am really beginning to like Chicago Boy. I am falling for his words. I still have no expectations or intentions with him. I'm just enjoying the correspondence. Another's perspective is always appreciated.
I know that love should be effortless hard work. I hope things will fall into place as I guide them in.
Something that stuck on my mind from pillow talk was genuine people, also how much I've learned about myself in the past 6 months.

Sometimes I'd Trade Love for Fame

hal sparks was out at a local bar this evening performing for a charity, the Wildhorse Ranch Rescue, Inc. I didn't get to see him perfom, but I did shake his hand. He is short and adorable.

Dear Murphy,

Why is it that whenever I wear my button fly jeans, it happens to also be the same day I have to urinate every 45 minutes?

Hollywood

Sometimes I feel a shade whiter than pale. Sometimes I feel I'm a mere stumbling block in the path for others. Sometimes I feel that if I weren't so loud, I'd be forgotten. Sometimes I feel that I'm not liked for me. Sometimes I don't want to meet new people for fear that they'll see I really am just 2nd best and they'll leave dissapointed. Sometimes I get like this. Always around my birthday I get like this. Which is why I usually leave town.

What would everyone think if I told them my birthday was really April 24th and since we missed it, let's just forget it and try again next year?

Can I cancel my birthday? Better yet, I will just convince myself that nothing special for me is coming up. It's just another day.

Fuck I hate birthdays.

Why do you drink Red Bull?

1) It goes well with vodka.
2) Provides an energy boost.
3) It goes will with vodka.
4) Give you wings so you can fly.
5) It goes well with vodka.
6) For the flavor.
7) On those late weekend nights when you're exhausted, it goes well with vodka.

What I feel for you has created a monster.
I don't understand these rules of love.

I try and be still when you're around.
I try and not shake in my boots when you're around.

My need to be near you leaves me bewildered.
I guess I am understanding that I don't know how to release you.

My soul still burns for your heat.
When you're here I understand life.

I can't be with you, I know.
I can never be with you.

I don't know how to let you go.

I still think it was best said

When I said we were nothing but a fantasy. Maybe some reality is mixed up in all of it. But we weren't supposed to happen. We were supposed to remain separate. We were supposed to remain a figment of my imagination. So I place you back into my thoughts, allowing the physical to die with yesterday.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light. He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life.

Thanks for listening C. ;0)

Can't you see the downtown lights?

Preface: Today I have had around 18 million thought running through my head, give or take 1000 or so. You know how this is. So rather than try and formulate them into something organized, I decided to let chaos prevail in this case. So I may not make any sense, I may seem irrational, I may even come across as clever... haha riiight.

Are you vulnerable? It takes much to unknowingly walk into your life and ask you to love me as I tell you I will give love back. Who can see the future? I sometimes like to think that I can but my tears blur the vision. It's might just be a prolongation of deceit. Don't make me wait for long because I cannot remain here forever. Maybe a star will fall, maybe the sun will not go down. I feel you take me and all I am for granted. Luck will not play with you much longer. If you care for me, be there for me.

You only get one chance. Or another if I deem necessary. But this is the only life you will have. You choose how you will spend it. Will I be apart of those clear mornings and stormy nights? I'm here with my raincoat and umbrella, I'm here with my swimtrunks and flip flops. Do I unpack or should I head on out?

I only believe half of what you say. I have tried to see things from your point of view. But it seems that my point of view is non-existent. Don't you realize that the sun doesn't revolve around you? There are other people out there. Take a deep breath. Stop playing the victim. Stop looking for reasons to be upset and hurt. It's summer time. Can we please just enjoy the break with out having to deal with all this shit you keep piling on us? I thought you wanted to simplify? You are? What the hell do you call this then?

I'm trying to find peace and resolution in just letting things go and not worrying about the details of everything. I need to not seek what I consider to be closure or having the last word. No matter how right I think I may be, I need to let things go. It just isn't worth the mess. Go your way, and I'll go mine.

Analyzing you, you, I see that you are more crazy than I. I could bring you so much pleasure. A small heat from within I want you to warm me again. I want you.

Look at you now, you have no where to go.
I could have been the one to save your soul.

Knowing when to hold close and when to let go. Knowing that people need space just as they do attention.

Astronomy Lesson

The chances of us working out are non-existent.

I want answers, you want space.
I want to call you mine, you want to lift your roots.
My love is ready to seek you.
Your love is ready to break free.

How we came to be, us, was by chance.
Two orbiting bodies in the vastness of space.

A mere chance that fate allowed.
Hum, chant, sing, talk, scream, whisper, yell, know.

For a small second our spheres shared the same time and place.
Blinking my eyes it was past, you were gone.
A fantasy based in reality wronging right for precious minutes.
I asked to not completely forget me, or I pray to forget you.

But we will continue to be, in wonderland.

Question

How healthy is it to copulate with someone you care for a great deal, but deep down you know you never will call him yours?

Why'd he have to be so damn cute?

my soul drew back

My disposition is a complex one at this time. I want to make life all that I have always wanted it to be. Usually that meant to fill it full of wonderful things and people.
But I find that now I'm seeing that I want to cut a lot of things out of my life. Things that I just don't think really make me happy. Things and people that sap my energy. I think that I have already been heading in that direction some.
I feel bad about it too.

I used to be such the guy to get the groups together. But lately I'm finding that I prefer the company of really close friends. I don't want to babysit anymore.

I'm still wondering what to do for my birthday. I think that going out will be what I do. But I'm not going to call all the people. Rather just a few people.

As my friend said, sometimes I feel like this is just a game of pick-up-stix, being played by fucking lunatics. I would be that lunatic. Am I making the right choices? What if so-and-so doesn't like me anymore? I never call anymore. But I'm tired of hearing the same old shit. Does that make me a bad person? A bad friend? I listened for as long as I could and it never seemed to change.

Why this sudden urge to simplify? I don't understand my disposition right now. I'm completely happy to go to work, do schoolwork, and go to the gym. Go out once in awhile. Am I getting older?

I guess I can only do what I think is right at the time, and try and learn when I make mistakes.

My heart continues to be a lonely hunter.

PS

I cannot date a guy seriously if he has any sort of a lisp, or if he's kinda femmy. I have lots of friends like that. I just don't want to date them. Wear make-up? Bye. Wear more than two rings on a hand? See ya. Have that high pitched voice? Don't come knocking on my door.

Okay this is all cuz I'm trying to convince myself about my resolution with C2. But I know how this will end. I'm just not attracted to him. Friends - yes. But I feel about him like I did for Curtis. It was something to take my mind off the present situation but I knew that I never was really attracted from the beginning. And I certainly couldn't ever do anything in bed with him. Eww. Just not attracted. At all. End of story. So get off your blog and go to the gym.

no fun with no guilt feeling

1) Say Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
2) Hear Me Out - Frou Frou
3) Blow Me Away - Breaking Benjamin
4) Ironic - Alanis Morisette
5) Hollywood - Madonna
6) Nadie Como Tu - La Oreja de Van Gogh


Nobody but you is capable of easing my pain. There's no one like you when I need to talk. There's no one I trust quite like I do you. Frozen feelings are warmed with you. You ask for forgivness when you need to, you give me your protection, you wrap me in peace. Just a look is enough to speak. Sharing memories I'll never forget.

I'm still waiting for someone to blow me away. I know I'm just not one to settle down right now. I'm not going to allow the meantime to interfere with my future. I want to lose myself in a joyous tune.

Jelly Bracelets?

So apparently there are bracelets that kids wear now days that mean sexual favors in various degrees. If I were to wear a black one, and you broke it off my wrist then that would mean you were willing to give me sex. Yellow = BJ. Wow, kids these days...

Where do they sell those bracelets?

Push the Button, Don't Push the Button, Trip the Station, Change the Channel

Just the other day I was remembering how I would feel inferior at bars, or the watering holes of some of the Phoenix fags. I would walk into a bar and thought that everybody was thinking that I was a wretched mess that wandered off the street. Now I have to laugh, I've learned that everyone is too caught up on themselves and other things they can't see clearly to even bother with thinking about me. And also quite frankly, I just don't care so much these days.

I'm over the flashing lights and painted faces. I'm over the chiseled abs and the prada shoes.

I guess you could say I have found other things in life that mean so much more to me than the acceptance of perfect strangers. Things that make me happy.

And I don't try and make everyone happy anymore. I'm happier that way. I'm still in the process of hanging my social cooridnator hat up, but I don't wear it so much anymore at all. I'm done calling everyone to invite out. I have plans and I'm content to just carry it out with the people with whom I make the initial plans. I just don't feel like I need to invite everyone I know to come. I've noticed that the people that I seemed to always invite along I don't hear from so much anymore. I guess they waited for me to plan. I'm not upset or spiteful. They would be more than welcome to come along, I'm just over the guest list thing.

This whole thought process has spawned from birthday celebration thoughts. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've never been one to sit around and wait for someone to plan it for me. Mom did that when I was seven. I'm turning 25. I can plan my own celebration, and just because someone didn't plan it for me or do a surprise something or other means nothing to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something and let people know about it.

And the more I think about it, the more I am content to not do a huge thing, but small. Just go out with a couple friends to a bar and enjoy the night in good company. I think dinner at My Florist sounds nice. But that will be small. I just don't want to deal with the huge crowd. Maybe lunch on Sunday, but I want the piano player there... hmmmm

I guess I had always thought I would ring in the 25th year with a bang. But I find I'm content to just enjoy a simpler atmosphere, yet deeper in meaning. Quality over quantity. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up.

Who's that (boy)? Definitely a Beautiful Stranger

to (see) you is to love you...

Haven't we met?

You could be good for me, I have a taste for danger...

Why I love to Appreciate Male Beauty... And I Love to Touch Pretty Things...

..

.if I'm smart then I'll run away, but I'm not so I guess I'll stay.

.Da-da-da-dum da-dum da-dum da da da-da dum.

.I've paid for you with tears, and swallowed all my pride.

.You're the devil in disguise.

..

..

Why I Want to be on the French Rugby Team...

..

..

Another Reason to envy Alanis Morisette...

The first time ever I really wanted to be a pair of pajama bottoms.

On his knees.

"That" cover. I'm sure we all bought the issue. I did.

soooo....

My car has to spend the night. I tried to watch a movie, but I my mind loses interest rather quickly. I invited C over for pizza and a movie. I thought about inviting C2 but vetoed. I still need time. So I will busy myself.....

This is a picture of my grandma, uncle and mother, straight from the 1960s.

Sick Day

Only I'm not sick. My car is. It's in the shop now getting all better. In the meantime I'm thinking of all this stuff I can do... Like go lay out by the pool, wait can't do that. I need to be ready to get picked up and head to work at any time. They might call at any moment. And I can't go anywhere.
So I'm contenting myself with cleaning the house. It did need it. So in that sense it's good.
I have realized that with time I am feeling better about the boy thing. He called to just give me his new cell number. I think my mind was over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. Time is definitely what I needed. I need more. But I don't feel so panicked. Que juego de amor.
Siento que tal vez puedo estar feliz un poco con este. Pero al mismo vez no voy a pensar en nada asi. Somos amigos y voy a pensar en el asi. Si algo desarrolla, entonces que bueno!

Under Where?

I haven't done laundry in a very long time. I blame finals. And the normal chones are fresh out. So I'm forced to move on to a small pile exotic novelties that I hardly use and I still wonder why I have them. I suppose for times like these.
The draw string low-rise briefs are really trying my patience. They ride up. They slide down. They are a bitch to try and use the restroom with. No fly, no elastic. I thought that I would just untie, do my business and then tie up. It went so much smoother in my mind. I didn't take into account that I would have a belt getting in the way, the jeans' fly isn't big enough to work in that alone, so it's essentially a full out all involved process to pee. By the time I'm done, the other urinals have been used three times and I feel like I had to re-dress myself.
But on the second trip to the bathroom I decided to just pretend there is elastic. It worked fine, or as well as it could with out actually having elastic.

And now I think, what possessed me to purchase those over a pair of normal underwear?

I figured it out.

I now know why I'm dragging my feet. The magic isn't there. I do feel an attraction, but birds don't chirp when he's around and bells don't ring. I don't feel that for anyone right now. At all.

But now this is where I falter in my judgement. Do I wait around and see if things change? Will I be leading him on if I do that? He knows that I'm not ready to settle down. I just don't want to be in constant contact with him right now. I need a few days off.

I need a few days off, again, from all people. And I think that the trip to Prescott may be just what I need. I think that I will definitely go. And if my mother wants me to go to the full three hours of church I'll do it. I'll just bring my ipod. ;-) C, you can come and go as you please.
The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of isolation from my life here in Phoenix. Just a few days off... nice.

But I want a resolution. I need a resolution.

Right now I'm tired and my brain hurts from this. So I'm going to just let things happen. If I don't feel it, I don't feel it. If I do, then I do.

It is what it is. Come what may.

Rapture

my velvet porcelain boy devour me as I devour you. the sea moves me where you want. fill my eyes with delicious fire. brush me close to dream the center I find in you. sweet whispers whet my soul blue and soft. needs to sting my fever drift in gentle hurricane lines. moist passion flys me at your feet. candy sweat dries on my hunger. crush my green fixation in the swirls tainted by raw shiver. nerves sprung scraping in blind lusciousness. a sacred poison is wild honey.

Take a Bow

I'm happy. I ran out of my last final throwing papers in the air, screaming that it was all finally over! (okay, not really). And I get to spend my first free night in the embrace of happy eyes, perfume smiles, and inebriated banter. Good times.

My Team

Sometimes I think having a naked mole rat sidekick that could understand English and speak some too is just what I need. And throw in that he knows karate and is just damn cute. How cool would that be?

Focus

Small Talk With Myself

Up is a place I no longer allow my hopes to be.

I've been on this rollercoaster long enough to know that the highs make the lows worth it all.
But I don't want to feel anything right now. I'm happy just being on the plateau in the middle.

I've felt rather invisible for weeks now. I'm realizing that I don't mind it. I am very safe to assume that all interests and gazes fall past me. "Maybe it's time for me to pack it in, maybe it's time for me to track it in." I was accepting of it all.

And then someone had to come along that I was sure would be like the others (after a few sentences from my mouth I would lose color, then outline, then my voice would be a static in the background). But I'm confused. This person still seems to be around. It's only been two days. But that's one day, 23 hours, and 45 minutes longer than most people look in my direction, let alone pay attention.

I'm not trying to be pitiful. I don't want that. I understand fully that this is just how things are. I am simply not a lot of people's cup of tea. That's life!

So content was I to just concentrait on my school work and spend time with friends. I don't need an interest. I still smile to myself thinking that he could feel anything, for me. C says he does. But C, I still can't help but think this is just another one who sees through me to get to you. Or he's only been in town for a few days. Friends are what he needs here. I'm his friend. I play the part of the friend so well. I don't want to take on any new roles now. I just want school to end and pass all my classes. I want to visit my family next weekend. I want to go to summer school and go to the gym. I want to work overtime. I like my invisible existence.

But I'm not worried. "I don't expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself that my dreams will come true." So this too shall pass.

But between me and the internet, I think about him from time to time. I wonder what he's doing. I like to think that I'm in a queue for a few thoughts if his. I tell myself he's not my style. But every now and then I catch him out of the corner of my eye and think what an attractive man he is. My heart feels warm when I think about him now and again. Despite my judgement, I have wanted to kiss him twice. But I don't. I don't want him thinking I might could like him. I don't want to deal with that right now. Imogen, Andy and I have kept company well enough lately. I hope he calls me.

I've never hesitated before. He's univited.

Another Day, I think I'll die then...

Wow. Looking back with the perspective that only hindsight can give, I see that I was in a pit of tense agitation. I knew I was stressed, but didn't realize just how much until today, now that I am feeling relaxed and more myself again.

And I like it. I like to feel like me. I'm happy again. Like a soft shower of rain washed away my sorrow, took away my pain.

I also see how the friends reacted. They knew something was up. And I thank them for that. Love is understanding. They love me for me.

I feel like I have so much more to say, but the words aren't forming.

Your heart is not open, so I must go

Freedom comes when you learn to let go.
Creation comes when you learn to say no.

You were my lesson I had to learn.
I was your fortress you had to burn.

Pain is a warning that something's wrong.
I pray to God that it won't be long.

There's nothing left to lose,
There's no more heart to bruise.

Your heart is not open, so I must go.
The spell has been broken.
I loved you so.

Sometimes my Spirit just breaks

Just fade away.
Let me be a memory on a page inside a spiral notebook,
taken for granted.

Right now I'm tired of being positive and up-beat.
Lonliness has never been a stranger. I am cursed to be long, lost friends. I give up. I really do. I just accept the fact. The fact that is the elephant in the room I have been stairing at but never mention.

I honestly think that when people talk to me, they lose interest, in me.

Just Forget it. I have forgotten it. Just like it never knew me.

Love has never tried to welcome me.

How do I do normal?
I carry cue cards and super glue.
I'm a wreck with words
I don't carry glass eggs or crystal hearts.

I sit in my lawn chair,
but the sun never sets.
I am just holding breath.
Can't you tell I'm not myself?

I try to hear out but I'm not ready yet.
I'm a slow-motion existence.
Just hear me out.
Is that your final answer?


...................................................................................
Say goodnight and go.
Beats skipped, and blurry daydreams.
I carry the cafe in my bag.
Why are you so damn cute?

TV broadcasts series of moments.
We'll have drinks talk of things,
any excuse to stay awake with you.
Sort quick your beautiful eyes again.

You're so spot on.
You breathe the thoughts I think.
Beach balls sprouting on the street.
This can't be happening.

I ride a wave from all the waiting.
My circus marches circles advancingly.
Lucky to know you right now.
I can't help but reach for your arms.

my recent purchases

On Saturday I bought some full blown 100% boxer shorts. It has been years since I have worn anything thing like them. I am not used to all the freedom and well, stimulation. And I am now remembering that they don't hide anything either. So now my trips to the bathroom and water fountain are full of fun-filled surprises... for me and everybody I pass...

I also just purchased Frou Frou's CD called Details. And I think I love it.

Homesick

For the first time since August 8, 2001, I am really missing Guatemala. After all, I did spend two years of my life there. And once you love something, do you ever really let it go? Or does it really ever let you go? I think my return trip may be sooner than I thought.

Sadly, this quote reminded me of Phoenix

"Well, it looks all right, but I don't like going into a club and seeing, just people...facades and fakes. Trying to be this and they all look the same, and they've all got fantastic bodies, and it's very boring. And you know, the bookshops are like completely empty, there's nobody walking around, they're all in the pubs getting kind of, doing their surfacing and checking each other out. I don't really like it."

-Imogen Heap


I find that I would much rather have a conversation than pick apart an appearance. I've never been very good at standing and posing. I've tried it. I don't think it's for me. I used to feel intimidated by all the pretty people, and wanted desperatly to be one of them. Then ever so slowly I have begun to realize that I love flesh and bone so much more than plastic.

The beginnings of a thought

I am learning. People change. I change. I have been thinking about relationships. I have been thinking about the people involved in them. We all are constantly becoming someone new. We are evolving. How can we expect a relationship to remain the same when the people involved are changing?
I have thought that we need to enjoy our relationships in the moments we are given. And when we see that a friend is moving on, or changing, that we need to evolve our relationship with them to accomodate the new feelings.
And I like this thought. People aren't static. Sometimes they aren't permanent in our lives either. They come into our lives to teach us what we need to learn from them, and they move on, or we do.
People and relationships changing should be encouraged. I like to think that I am someone different from just a few months ago. The change may not be huge, or even noticeable by anyone but me.
When one is changing and another isn't ready to move on in the relationship, then maybe that's how people come and go in our lives.
And of course, relationships require that the people involved work at keeping together.

if he only knew

So I get an email in which he says "I believe love has no boundaries, that's why. Yes the distance is bad, but I have seen it work, BUT I am really getting ahead of myself, so I don't want to scare you."

How funny is it that I was pricing plane tickets to Chicago just this morning?

so many thoughts

So when you find someone that you seem to really like, and yet you don't let yourself really ever like them. It just makes sense that it will never happen, so why even put forth the energy? Especially when 1500 miles are involved. That's a no-brainer.

I met a friend for brunch this morning. The weather was warm, yet cool in the shade. The sky was a friendly blue with wisps of white clouds. The hills on the horizon were beautiful despite the brown. Living in the desert can be wonderful at times.
The energy in the cafe was lively. It seemed to make even biochemistry somewhat interesting. I watched the people through biochemistry text until I saw a familiar outline in line. They didn't have pancakes. They are always out of pancakes. But the quiche was really good.
But the conversation was beautiful. We let words weave tapestries that mused of the good times we shared. We colored on a canvas of memory, and speculated with sound.
I feel so good around her. She believes in me. I never feel I have anything to prove or am being compared to others. Friendship is unique between every individual. It is impossible to feel a friendship for one person and feel the exact same for another. There are so many differences in my relations with others.
I ask about her life. She tells me all is good. I know there is a hard shell that conceals much. But I know it is not my place to get under. I know that I must be allowed in. I have seen glimpses and pieces of what lies beneath. A soul as infinite as the distance starlight travels.

So did you tell them? How do you feel? How did they react? Did you or didn't you? Gosh I wish you the best. But they are his parents and he said that they would still love him. I don't see them as getting the least upset. But I only know them through few pictures and some words. He always speaks so highly of them. I just want to hear your story when you want to tell me. But if you don't tell me, like tomorrow if you did or not, I'll call. ;)

I still think that it would be impossible for us to work out. But I am allowing myself to just live in a world of fantasy for now. Right now we will live happily ever after.