Hope is no Secret

I don't know how many times I've hit a wall. And then hit another, and another, and another. It's like I get off by hitting walls. I like to put myself in positions to squirm, and fret, and try to find the light and air. Always fighting to make it work when I'm the one sabotaging myself.

Sabotaging myself. But I still hope I'll get better.

I've talked about a guy. I've wanted a guy. I've crushed after him, I've lusted after him.
But I wouldn't date me either. I wouldn't date me either.
Will things be the same? Or will I make them better?

Happiness lies in my own hands, will I take me longer to understand that?

I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love who I am. No more fighting, no more hollow promises, only to return to the sloth and envy, the self-spoiling.

So I share a secret, I share what I feel inside, I share in hopes I'll be held accountable by myself. So let me start. Let me accomplish much as I work hard for it. Let me enjoy the things I've earned. Let me feel content that I have worked hard and I deserve happiness, and I'll let myself be happy, finally.

When you play the game too long, no one can take you seriously.
I never got to tell you how I feel.

I put my bets on the table, my cards in my hand.
But set the stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
This game of love only brings pain.

I'll never be more than just a friend.
But you gave me something to remember.
You told me to love myself first, then someone else can.
We weren't meant to be.

Happiness I thought was with you,
wish I had the chance to prove.
What a shame, who's to blame?

I place my bets and show my cards.
Just friends,
but you gave me something to remember.

That's Funny!

(Mommy works at Home Depot – she was selling a shovel, not pole dancing!)

You can't say

You knew what would happen.
You knew how it would end.
You read the signs.
You saw the subtleties.
This should be no surprise.

So do you twist the truth now?
Are you happy now?
So it's time to hold on.
It's time to move on.

In the night, I cried so hard.
These ridiculous thoughts fill my head.

I shouldn't have trusted.
It's not going to happen now.
So now it's time to move on.
Now it's time to move on.

Still I wish I didn't feel the cry.
I wish I didn't allow such ridiculous thoughts to fill my head.
So now I hold on,
So now I move on.

sideways tonight, then logical tomorrow

Do I allow myself to dream when I know it will end?
What do I say when confronted with 10 minutes of joy?
What happens when the song is over?
Do I concentraite on the end or the beginning?
Can I run that far?

No I will grow weary.
I will need to sit down.
I cannot knowingly lead my heart to an end.
I will no longer fight uphill.

But in my dreams just tonight
I will run until I can run no more.
I will kiss until my lips feel no more.
I will love until my heart aches,
I will love until my heart breaks,
I will love until there's nothing more to live for.

we hold the key to the cause right here, underneath

Look at me jumping ship when I say I'm on board.
Look at me try to love you when I hate myself.
Look at me open my arms wide and form a clique.
Watch me as I begin to turn the tide.
I hold the key to the cause.


I'm in the middle of a crazy 4-test week. But so far I'm surviving...


Hottie:

The morning came quickly. He dressed quietly and opened the bedroom door. It had been a fun, crazy night. He had shared a cab to his friend's house and crashed in the guest bedroom. At the time he was excited to go home with his firend, he had had a crush on him since they met just a couple months earlier. He'd left his car there in anticipation of cabbing it. He got to his car and went home. He enjoyed a good crush, but it was time to let this one go, and just enjoy the friendship. He had stayed in the guest room.

in praise of a vulnerable man

Funny. Most other bloggers want people to read and comment on what they write, but I find that I avoid sometimes writing because I don't want people to read what I write.

But at the same time I don't care that people read my thoughts and what's in my head. Not like I'm going to divulge any super personal information, but anyway... I really like writing. I like to express myself through words. It's a me thing.

I saw Madonna. I saw Alanis. I loved both concerts.

Last night we had a theme party and everyone dressed in drag. It was a hoot. I was going for a $2 hooker look. I totally achieved it.

The man I want to unravel is tightly knit. He won't budge from is tower. I can only walk up to the wall and talk, hoping to get information, to learn of him. I wonder why he has a shell up. My friends say not to bother with him, but there's something in me that wants to continue prying, probing, hoping that I might find a crack. He said that he is boring. I asked about lovers and he said he's not at a place right now for that.
I wonder what happened to him, or what happened in the past to cause such thoughts and actions.

I of course continually battle myself and my insecurities. I'm happy but know I need to do so much more. I'm the one that stands in my way. But learning to accept myself and accepting that I need to change... it's quite the feat. I feel that I've moved into a space in my life where I feel comfortable, but fortunate. If that makes sense. I don't want to take anything for granted, so the "comfortable" can be misleading. I've played my cards wrong with others and ended up losing some good people and causing more work for myself down the road. But I don't cry for them anymore, and I don't cry for me anymore. I try to remember that setting stakes too high is bound for a loss.

So trying to relax these days, yet get tons of work done. Pharmacy school is not for the faint of heart. I hope I do well on these tests coming up. I will need to get my act together definitely by tomorrow. Today I went to a friend's baby shower and it was soo good to see her. I'm really happy that we're still friends. She and I have been though a lot together.

Some really good advice that I am learning to incorporate in my life:

"Be wise." My mom said that to me and it's an all-encompassing phrase. She meant that with my time and my priorities to be wise. Wow... I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a bit more work to finish before I'm off for the night.

"There comes a point where you just have to stop." A friend from Chicago said this to me when he and I were visiting San Diego. It was in a little restaurant in Hillcrest. I'd been drinking and he was put out by me. I was pressing why he had flirted with me before we met, and after we met he was totally aloof, or very "just friends." I understand now why. Or at least I've answered it for myself. But back to the advice. Stopping me when I'm full is difficult. I have an obsessive personality and when I get on a kick, I tend to ride it to the highest tide. It can be damaging. Learning to control myself, and learning to stop when I know I reach the stopping point.

I'm constantly feeling like I'm learning to trade fame for love, but I always second think things. I run, rush into things I know won't make me happy in the long run, well, be wise Ryan, be wise.

I won't be bothered

The rain was warm. Despite the drops of water falling from the sky the night was still. 14 years I hadn't felt like this. I once drempt of sailing on a clear water with the stars looking down on me. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care. I woke up and thought what a terrible metaphore that is.

"My name is Dita, I'll be your mistress tonight."

Full Dream

He saw the lines of light on the wall, sneaking though the thick drapes, heralding the rise of the sun. He wanted to return to sleep but his mind lurched forward to begin thinking of all he needed to do that day. A moment of solace would be wonderful he thought to himself. The night seemed to cloak the wearies of the day, to put off the events and accomplishments for just a few hours. He was happy enough, grateful even for having such occupancies of his time. Really he'd rather be no where else. But a moment, a second of peace was more relished than a gold coin might.
This was the dream he had been dreaming. This is what he wanted, he knew it. Now with a course in sight, he would bloom out to capture more of his goals and dreams. But just a few more moments of sleep would oblige him greatly.

up & down & all around: survival

I'm not going to be an angel. But it seems I try to attain it.

I feel like I'm in the same rut I have been in for a long time now. confidence is so funny. When will I get it? When I'm not confident, what am I? A victim?

I no longer wonder what happened, why things happened as they did between C and I.
I get it now.
I get that I was a mess beyond help, except though experience and my own introspection would I lift myself from. I think I'm still lifting. I think I'm over it. I hope I am. I'm pretty sure. I no longer look back with a devout fondness, nor disdain. I look back at it as a time in my life, just like other times in my life. There was joy, there was sorrow, but it was a time all the same.

This is fresh in my mind because a friend pulled some games on me and I saw that I didn't want to play anymore. And I feel that the only thing I can to which is best for both of us is to walk away.

Now I see that it's time to put my shoulder to the wheel. Rome was not built in one day, and neither will I become what I want to be. But it will take one day at a time.

I find I'm still running

stop stop
run run
block block
look for a way out
run to the sun
run to the moon
avoid the sun
avoid the rain
hide your tears
hide your fears
run run
stop stop

I'm looking for me

I run past my school
I run past my mom
I run past my life

stop, hold my breath.
I'm accountable
It's me
I'm not ready, still preparing myself

time to taste the rain,
time to taste my tears
time to face my fears

time to stop running
and face me

on me

some time for myself
I fell hard this time
good friends, next time
I won't be so blind
But for me now
I'll chalk it up to experience
and take some time
this time

not mine

I see you out, alone. No there are gloves on the chair next to you.
I'm happy you're happy, call me sometime.
My mind races, I try to slow down.
You've been on my mind.

Give you my heart
my pain won't cover up
I can't take it
You left me alone

I saw all that you are
I wanted to be open
But the works were awkward,
For years I needed to give you something.

You left me in the past.
Can't hold this love.
I can't change this,
Can't take it back (can't change your mind)

sometimes

I had to walk on,
I just wanted to hold you.
I say I can love you.
But it's fine.
I see the stars.

Walking down an empty street,
no one near.
But I know it's fine,
I see the stars.

(How do you know you?)
(How do I know you're true?)

Tonight like all the others,
we walk in the cool evening.
I'm alright,
I see the lights.

Neon lights, cigarettes, rented rooms, empty bars, golden lights, misty breath, colored shoes, I'm tired of crying on the stairs...

I couldn't

The orchestra started up.
I confess I was a little nervous,
I didn't recognize the song.

The people began to show up
In their party clothes.
The line was bowing.

You said what a pretty thing,
the steps to dance, leading me through.
suddenly I thought I knew the song.

I see how they follow, jump
(they jump)
turn (they turn)
I look back,
I won't be there.

on my mind

My mom sent an email that was kind of against gays. It offended me. But I kept quiet. But I felt some distance form between us. I just don't know still what to think abou it...

But on better news, I feel like I'm getting into the swing of school.

Smoke and Lights

The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.

Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.

I lay down my torch. I lay down my sword. I lay down my shield. I lay down my heart. I lay down my abandonment. I lay down my breath. I lay down my thoughts. I lay down.

Five story fire. What a game we played. What a mess we made. What a fool I was. What a mess I was. A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.

Nothing has been clear for me. Nothing has been warm to me. I have kept one foot out the door. I have been looking for a home. I live in a limbo.
My identity.
My dreams.
My hopes.
My truths.
My breath.
My home.
My family.
My self.
What I see around me. Dear friends, my books, my memories, my treasures, my home.
I learn my purpose, I begin to set my roots. I know I can be apart of. No precluding myself, applying my wisdom. Why I think I'm not when I am.

I'm ready to be forward, moving, going, happening.

I think I put my heart back to me. No more trying to speak to a cold wall. Change is in the ground, the foundation. Giving in to so many monsters and demons. No more window dreams when I have a world all around me. Dream my own priority, my own self, my own voice, my own heart.

I know what I am, what I can become. I see the road blocks, I see my self as a part of it.
Step me over, step over me.
Bring myself to me, meet for the first time.
Dream big, dream small, dream at night, Dream at Day, dream often, dream much.

Unconventional kid, intense, piercing eyes. Overrated, deserving. but wanting to just be happy. I'm nice, I'm good, I'm loved, I'm cared, I'm me.
By my own hand
underfed, labeled, canceled out by others, allowing, (stand up).
much intentions, mis read understood.
Bravery intrinsically. Bravery alone, all by myself.

Not living in my blind spot. Not usual. Deserving. Treat me like me.
Love me. So much to offer.

My secrets. My problems. No one to solve them but me.
No one else belongs here with me.
Hello, is there something wrong with me?
Sunday I cry all night. I hurt.
But this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
Color code my swords and clean clothes.
I want you to be proud of me.
Am I that crazy? Is there something wrong with me?
Try to understand, this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
But me.

Ha.

I guess I still have miles to go. Wow, the victim crept out of nowhere last night and setteled in all night. But when too much EtOH happens, that can happen. Ugh.

I felt like I was invisible last night. I didn't like it and I didn't like how I was handling it. I was trying to be someone else. Yearning to pretend to be someone else. Just for a moment. I wish I could displace myself 6000 miles.

Words are never enough.

So far away from what I want to be. So far away.
So I begin the journey. I begin my quest.
I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true.
In my voice I waiver and sometimes crumble.

So far away,
words are never enough.

wow

it all came back. he woke something in me. that something that makes me remember. i remember why I date men. i hope to date him.

el ultimo vals

wow. I cannot believe it. My favorite band in the world broke up. Well, the lead singer, whose voice was so distinctive and for me almost the band, left them. I'll miss her.So I have listened to the new voice of LodVG. She is good too, but not the same.

So I'm going to give them a shot... but I do love them... I saw them in concert... This makes me a little sad...

So I've developed a little crush on the base player of LOdVG. Alvaro. I'll be dreaming my dreams... ;)

The new paperboy done gone and broke my sternum

I'm tired. There's so much I need to do tomorrow for school. videogameboy done gone and caught my attention again. Rowingboy is surely a hottie, and nice, and smart.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Night.

Orchid, no rose please

It's very east to get distracted, side-tracked, amused with a site, caught up in other stuff... really anything applies when I'm not accomplishing the task I set out to do. I was in the shower and realized that I haven't written in this thing for some time. I was thinking how much fun I've had doing this. I like to let my thoughts out and allow them to flow to the world.

My favorite Alanis song right now is "Orchid." It makes me think about myself and how I view who I am. For so long I've defined myself based on how I perceive others seeing me. I look at my life, my room, my belongings like I'm looking through the eyes of others. It seems I'm always trying to please. Also I had a recent incident of "the victim" crop up. It worried me. I don't want to digress.

I've been thinking a lot about VideoGameBoy (VGB). He said a very poignant comment. I was looking though his library and admiring, commenting, and asking about the books he had read, or at least had on his shelf. And then when we settled down to play a video game, he asked what the last book I read was. It was Wicked. And I think that is the only book I have read this year. This year. Wow.
I really had thought that I had read more than that. So I've been thinking that I need to read more. I'm trying to read The Other Bolyn Girl and also Lord Jim, but I have only just read few pages into them. It seems I'm much more intrigued to watch a re-run of The Simpsons.

Who am I now? Where did the Ryan go that used to read? That used to have a zest for life? Am I treating my life like a rose when really it's an orchid? Wanting, seeing, hoping, waiting, doing what I think I should do, but going about it all wrong?

Am I happy? Not fully I don't think. Not fully.

Today I weighed in. I weight X. I want to become X-12lbs by the end of Sept. My late evening snacking is what I really, really need to work on. On a 1-5 scale, I snacked at a 3 tonight. It was awful. I'm trying to not be upset, I snack all the time, and old habits die hard. I need to progress.

I miss some people tonight. I miss The Waterless Fish. But he's out of my life, and despite the sentiments dwelling on his absence, I am happy. I think I'm beginning to love what we shared and I'm okay with him moving on with his life. I have a few questions, but the fact that they have no answer may be the answer.
I miss the dancing girls. They always knew how to make me feel like the most special guy in the world.

Class is going well. I am trying to get a handle on what I'm doing with it all. 17 credits is a heavy load and juggling it is rough for me. But worth it. It has to be, is this my dream, or a hurdle? It's all about perspective.

Lastly, Xaiver has been on my mind a lot. He's bust with his job, love life, family, schooling, his life. I wish I could just hold him tonight as I fall asleep. Silly of me to even muse of him, but I do so tonight.

I'm on the road to get happy, not that I'm not happy, but I know I have potential.

"I'm a sweet piece of work
Well intentioned and unloved
Unlabeled and misunderstood
Treated like a rose as an orchid"

Good for me

So it was good for me to hang out with R. He reminded me that I'm not as busy, or even fit-to-be-tied as I thought I was. I can do so much more.
So much more.
He's good for me.
I need to start reading again. I need to clean my room again. I need to look at the sky again. I need to enjoy the birds chirping again. I need to take Ginger for walks again. I need to call my mom more often. I need to babysit my neices and nephews more.
So much more.
A bump on a log no longer. A heap on my bed no more.
I can be so much more.

Something

So Madonna is now 50. I'm looking to move, and I'm tired.

I may have it a wall

I'm so tired of all the crap. Really.
I'm tired of these ideals, and if you're not up to par, you suck.

Wow.

I'm tired of all this crap.

I think I allow myself to be in the crap.
I'm getting out.

I don't care if it's not right,

I still want your arms around me.

Pot of coffee, consulting the coffee rings. When do I tell myself to get over you?
The the unknown intrigues me. I want to get into your head, learn your thoughts.

I could never know you well, you're too complex.
That is what draws me to you.
(The coffee's cold now)
My attention is drawn to thoughts of you sleeping next to me. You move, your leg touches mine.
I debate internally if I should respond or if you just sleeping. Sleep usually won, and still wins.
I want to put my thoughts of you to sleep.

Be the friend you indirectly tell me you need.
I think that I'll be done with it. Tell myself to just be done with it.

I wonder if the microwave should heat the coffee.
I wonder if the microwave could heat your emotions.
I wonder if the microwave would bring us together.
And then I laugh.

Chasing what I thought

I tried to think you were good for me. You were though. I thought I knew.

But I try to remain unaffected.

There's this emotion that I feel in my core. I know what it means, I know who makes me feel it. But with him, lonely is a garuntee, he's not coming home to me.
Please can I go with you? I'll be your beauty #2.
Hey can I go with you? My beauty is only number two.
It's over, I don't want to be over. It's not over.

I wish I were. I wish I were the object he wanted.
But he sees me as a rose, to not be touched.
I know I'm not, I'm an orchid.
I'm all intense around him, trying to hide my faults.
I want to trust him with my heart, and have him trust me.

Happy to be incomplete

By that I mean still evolving. I am a sweet piece of work, or I want to think so. I wonder if I'm like an orchid but trying to live like a rose.

Putting both feet into my life. I don't want to live half-way anymore.

it's been awhile

I'm good, but...
I like him, but...
They like me, but...
I think I want to, but...

Are you limitations? Until I try I won't know.
I wish you would just like myself. Happy in chosing this moratorium.

Moratorium from the flavors of entanglement. (By Alanis) (I good new word)

So now I chose to fly solo, to fly free. Just like Elphaba.
I hope I'm happy.

sense of myself

Finally understand where I go wrong. Comprehend my mistakes. A foundation of direction. No more limbo. Still growing up. Still making mistakes. Still not understanding. Still falling off my foundation. Hoping for divine perfection.
Done.
Gone. Here.
Starting. Beginning.
Commencement. Finished.
End.
Fun now, fun later. Learn from my past. Smile, love, accept, enjoy, utopia, hell, cry, friends, lovers, cheating, honesty, it's a bitch to learn, it's wonderful to love, knowledge is power.

Keep going forward, I'm afraid to be stagnant.

myself/ground

I've lost myself. I'm not writing for me anymore:

I forget why I do what I do.
Why I like what I like.
What makes me, me.

So much has happened, and rather quickly. I thought I wanted it so badly. But now I find I don't want all that.

I want to be happy. I've changed my mind on people, places, things, etc. I'm trying to be what I'm not. I'm trying to be what I think I should be. But not what I am.

Stepping out of the whirlwind. Finding the light and quiet again. Watching a leaf fall to the groud; blow in the wind. When the sun sets and the city sky reflects the particles to its canvas. Feeling words get caught under my fingernails. Digging in the water, running to catch the dust. Remembering to remember much and often, and smile twice that. Looking for my room's ground. New goals phoenix the old ones. Old knowledge pouring new. A life of understanding, fruition, events, passings, etc. Making bonds, mending damaged bonds, breaking bad bonds. Anticipating May, brooding over December.

Heavy on my heart

It's hard. I say. Can the sun ever shine too much?

In My Mind's Eye

I am sitting on a large rock, over a stream. My feet are in the water, being stirred by the current, and I'm enjoying the cool water. I feel like I've walked a very long way.

Recently some stuff has gone down. And I find that after my initial reaction of feeling hurt and betrayed, I am stepping back to analyze the situation.
Am I happy? Was I happy? What went wrong? Was I completely to blame? Do I want to hang around to see if it gets better? I was hurt once already.
I'm always quick to point out that I'm not perfect. But I don't think I deserved all that was shot out at me. The silence. The disregard. Treating me like a child. Talking down to me.
My emotions have recoiled. It's not the same: things are different, things have changed for me. It's still weird. I'm in a limbo. I know that I am waiting, I'm hesitating.

I'm hoping that he will try to make amends, try to reach out to me. But I can't return on my own.

Once bitten, twice shy.

Things are different, but have things changed?

I saw something very similar written on someone's myspace. It made me think. And I think I liked the implications of it. You can move to a different spot in the theater, but still see the same show. Only your view is different. Hopefully it's a bit more clear. I hate to think someone would move to distort or block his/her view.

I know that I view things much more differently. I think it is more clear too. But I still have a lot of uncertanties in my mind. But only time carries the answers. And my job is to be patient.

I knew I wasn't ready to be done, I knew I needed to try again. I knew I needed to explore other possibilities. I knew I was not going to give up. And I had to start to look at things differently. I had to look at myself, my life, where I was going. I can't forget who I am, but I always want to learn how to become a better person.

So it's the summer-- summertime...

So much swirling around my thoughts: new boy, graduation, pharmacy school in the fall, etc. I think you can call me happy.

At the Polls...

Which one do you like best? From left to right: #1, 2, 3, or 4?

Day 1 - voices ring in my head

I woke up with this song in my head. He was staying over. I worried that he didn't sleep well. I know that I was up a lot. Weird, but I think I'm at the two-week-withdrawl. I find that I'm starting to find why I shouldn't like him. But it's just fear. He's still good, a great guy. My insecurities usually pop up around this time to convince me I'm happier alone. They say that he really doesn't like me. But what do they know?

I find that when he's away from me, I like him more.

My nail biting needs to come to an end. That is something I need to work on. Also I'm going to the gym right after the laundry gets done in the washer. This is all part of my goal for the 90 days.

I'm getting over some of my past. The only conclusion I could draw was that I just need to put it in a box and forget about it for now. I don't know how to deal with certain emotions and feelings that still creep up from time to time. I'm hoping that as time goes by I'll understand them more, or really learn to not worry about them. I'll truly get over them. I think it's all part of getting my ego in check. I'm still prideful about a lot of things and still indignat and angry about them as well. I still blame others in my heart for what happened.

I blame them for their weaknesses. I don't feel they are totally unscathed, and totally in the right. I don't think they handled it as they should have. But we are all still just kids.

I've learned that with age one does get wiser, but one is still prone to act childish. I thought that adults had it all figured out, but I see that we all are still trying to understand life and figure ourselves out. I don't think anyone really has it figured out.

More Musing

I feel like a fuzzy dream is just ending. What was ASU? I'm no longer there, I'm no longer in my undergrad. I'm going to be starting a doctorate program. Technically you could call me a Dr. when I graduate from pharm school. I always wanted to be a Dr, and I guess now I'll be one. Course I always thought It'd be a medical doctor. But I don't want to practice medicine.

This summer I want to concentrate on goals that I simply need to accomplish.

Tomorrow thought Aug 2nd starts a 90-days programme. I don't know what it entails totally, but that I'm going to be very productive... lol.

"Miles Away"

That's my favorite song from the album so far. "All my dreams, they fade away. I'll never be the same." I feel that I'm in a transition: graduation, pharmacy school, new boy. My coworker and I were talking that life just seems to be going really, really well. We're both waiting for the shoe to drop, for life to slap us back down with a splintered ruler. But I get that life is what you make it. You get what you give. What goes around comes around. I've been trying really hard to be a good person; to not be victimized, to be strong, to let little shit go. "So far away..." could possibly be an introspection to where she wishes she were, to where she wants to get.
I feel so far away still from what I want to be, but so much closer at the same time.

I still struggle with letting the past go. There are still people who creep around in my thoughts that I thought, that I hoped were resolved, but they are not.
I still silently cringe when I hear their name. I still lower my eyes when I see them out. I still feel a hollow lump form in my chest when I hear news about them.

I wish I could let it go.
I wish I could just get over it.
I wish I could just go on.

I have moved on in my life. I have made progression. I think I'm a good person. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned not to assume the worst. I've learned to just let people be who they are. I've learned to not expect anything from others, except myself.

But I still don't move on. I still digress. I still let myself get tripped up on illusions.

I hope with time I'll get better.

My thoughts, my rants, my raves

So I was just browsing the other day, and decided to visit http://ohlalaparis.com and I see that they've GROWN. A lot. I remember when they were just beginning, or at least when I first started to visit. I haven't been by but a handful of times in the past 2 years, and I guess they've moved onto bigger and better, and I'm sure much more lucrative things. I still remember when they were smaller and I LOVED one of the pics they took.

So I tried to look for it and ended up going through some memories, lots of old friends and good times... wow. But I couldn't find it. But the point was that one of the guys emailed me directly. I'm sure they are still in touch, but I'm sure they are much more busy.

What was the point? I don't know other than things change. sigh.

I cannot wait for Madonna's new album. YUM!

A Petal that isn't Torn

I've been thinking that there's a lot that I need to drop from my life. I need to let go of a lot. Still.
I feel that I have made much progress, but it's still so easy to fall into the same habits and the same ruts. I've fought to be so strong, and move beyond my hang-ups. But I still fall.
Sometimes I go to a secret garden, a place that I can be where there is no bad and all the crazy thoughts in my head are normal. But I'm still thirsty to understand life, and my yearning for knowledge increases.
I've become very picky about lovers. I don't want just anyone. I'm happy to be alone, and can wait forever because I don't want to settle.

I am a fan of Madonna. But purely from a writing point of view, this article on Madonna was very well done. I thought so anyway. The writer apologetically uses references with out explaining the meaning and the context. I loved it. I felt like I was reading literature (to be so brash). I felt like it wasn't another "This is Madonna, and this is what I think of her" (though he did offer his opinion quite a bit). He painted her in shades and lights, used metaphors, and presented a story. I was intrigued. Oh, and reading something new on Madonna was nice.

So Many Thoughts...

I have so much swirling around in my head right now. It seems that finally things are going the way they need to. But more importantly, I think I finally understand that it's me who makes them happen.
I look back over this past year and I feel like it was a dark and bumpy road. I was unsure, depressed, and not doing a whole lot to get myself out of there. But around December I started to pull myself out of it. It was difficult. It was a process. I'm still working my way to a better me; a better life.
The road is still going to be rough and tough at times, I'm going to fall down and have to get back up, but I feel like I've made it though the longest stretch of hard terrain. I feel like I have the strength in me to deal with what may come next.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead.

I think the biggest change was that I accpted that I needed to change. I feel like I'm a better person, more so in my life. I'm doing what I know needs to get done. I'm trying to improve. My goals are to better myself and try to better the world around me. Then things will happen when they need to happen. I'm sure I'll find someone who fits like a glove into my life; someone I adore and who adores me.
I'm happy, I'm getting more happy as I continue to set and attain my goals. I know I'm capable of doing anything. It will just take hard work to do it. And I'll always reach for the things that may be just beyond my grasp. But I won't know until I try.

First; Latest

Just Friends

I at the wall by the fountain.
You walking to me.
Clear, fresh night. My flame for you strong.
My universe on you.

You low, me high.
Mirrors in the room.
You in my eyes.
What a dream.

I felt the same.
Like you had never left me.
One, two martini later.
Time always wins.

I wanted more.
I still want more.
But right is obeyed.
All a flash, in a dream.

Where to start. But I'm tired. I'm lying through my smile. I'm dying away inside. I'm happy you're in love. You are special.
I do adore you so. You're so beautiful. Do you know how I feel? How do you feel? How do you feel without me? I'm so powerless, I need to sit up straight. Why's it happening? How's it it happening that you feel it with out me?
It's good to be in love. I'm really happy for you. I'm happy you're in love.

You don't look at me like you used to. You don't speak anymore in "us." Excuses have taken your place, and I ask you to not come back. You should know well at your age what this does to a heart.

All the time I spent with you... all the time...

a letter not left behind

I'm not sure why, but as I entered the kitchen I immediately noticed that the bowl of fruit was different: one of the apples was missing. When I entered the office, I thought my desk looked like most things were shifted a few centimeters off. The bedroom had a faint hint of my cologne; the bed seemed to be straightened up just off from how I left it.

I opened the door, went to your room and laid on your bed. I closed my eyes, you were just on the other side, I didn't reach out. I sprayed your cologne and smelled you again. I saw the papers on your desk, same bills and correspondence as always. I knew you liked the apples the best, so I was able to taste you once more.
I should leave, the sun is setting. I should go before you catch me here.

I sat down at the table, staring at the fruit bowl. I'd have given you so much more if you had only waited just a minute longer.

You're Right,

I think I am tired of playing the victim. Thanks for pointing that out.

make right

A veces, cuando el aire se halla quieto, y mis pensamientos deambulan por donde quieran, te encuentro. Te encuentro sentado en un rincon de mi mente, a veces sonriendo, otras veces pensando en algo. Pero siempre veo tus ojoas oscuros sino claros. Me cuentan un cuento lleno de lomas y llanos, de una vida que esta envuelto en cristal.
Pero ya no escalo aquellas lomas de mi pasado contigo. Y todavia no se porque no. Te fuiste sinc decir me por donde.
Pero no te segi, quiero que tengas tu libertad.

ojos rosados, pienso en ti

I smile to myself, close my eyes, you were so close to me.
I could talk for hours about anything with you.
I would try to cature your image to hold you with my always.
I was never so happy as when you were with me.

So I don't question why sometimes I stumble.
I don't wonder when my eyes only look through tears.
I choke up at your memory, it's no mystery,
I don't know how to get over you.

laughing away the tears

Never forget. Keep it alive. Promise to try.
Head held high. Ride like the wind. Don't look behind.
Life isn't fair.
Don't run away so fast. Kiss goodbye.
It's gonna be alright.

I fought to be so strong. I was afraid.
You've got to forget the past. Learn to forgive.
Don't let memory play games. Just a faded smile frozen in time.

Can't kiss you goodbye, but I promise to try.

Something Different

I'm not sure if it was a benign break-up or if we really are going to give it a shot. I'd like to think the latter. It's been ages since I've found someone that my heart attatched to. Actually my heart threw itself on him and clutched at him so tightly that you could see the knuckles white with strain. I told it to get off, but really I was content.
The conversation was real, it was fun, it was with him.
He's at a point where he needs to devote a lot of his energy on himself.
I know in my heart I need to figure things out before I exert energy on someone else as well.

I suggested that we not say goodbye, but rather be in each others' lives. I said that we can move slowly, take time to see if it is something we have or if it's not. But in the meantime we wouldn't feel compelled to spend every moment with the other, rather get together when we can. We should be relaxed about it.

I don't know if it will work. Was it selfish on my part?

I just knew that I wasn't going to let him go without a fight.

I'm not going to demand his time or make him feel obligated to see me, talk to me, listen to me, be around me. I'm going to be casual about it, though right now my heart is feeling despondent because I have taken it away from him. Or trying.

But I felt urges to cry today. All day. I could feel the sobs creeping up my throat. I would have been happy to let them out, but they never fully came out. I knew why. I want him to want me. I'd love him to love me. But I couldn't cry. My heart was saying goodbye, releasing its grip. It's been a long time since I've felt that emotion. When something that made you feel good slipped though your hands.

But if you truly care for someone or something, you let him/it go and allow him/it to return on his/its own accord, right?

And if he doesn't come back, he did leave me with a memory and also a knowledge that I still can be found to be attractive, desirable, and all that. I've been batteling some strong self-doubt lately. He was a welcome breath of fresh air.

I've been in a low these past days. They've hurt. I've hurt. But this is who I am.

I yern to find that love. I've felt it, I know he can be found out there. But it seems that it's always just beyond my grasp. I look at a picture of two of my friends. They are so happy in the picture. I worry I'll never know it.

I worry. I learn. I let go.

How to jump into the darkness. How to see you leave paradise. How to make a circle on the beach. My heart is irreversible. Destiny marked it. Hearing the rain we sleep through.

I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.

Your paradise is not for me.

since no one else belongs here with me (there must be something wrong with me)

(I can't forget what you've forgotten.
I was pretending, really your secret kiss was my escape.
The perfect game to play.)

10, 9, 8 and I'm breaking away
7, 6, 5, 4 and I'm over you
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(Your facination with bare walls and skin.
With no conditions I needed you to notice.
That's all I wanted.)

10, 9, 8 I'm dressed and ready to play
7, 6, 5, 4 there's much more to do
3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun.

(You sat in the morning light, color-coded.
Your back and star facing my direction with blank stares.
I try to understand.)

10,9 I can't wait it's a new day
8, 7, 6 error on us both
5, 4, 3 you don't belong with me
2, 1 this is who I am.

(I'm really not that crazy.
I tried so hard to not drop the pieces.
Sunday I cried all night, shattered dreams.
I wanted you to be here.)

amazed

I was fine walking alone.
I was okay with idle chat.
I felt it better we kept a distance.
I wish I would have.

If only I could let you go
I don't understand why I need you.
I cannot stop myself.
Want you and no one else.

Now this heavy and bitter arrow
in my heart.
I want to set you free,
yet you're inside of me.

It's amazing what a boy can say,
I cannot stop myself.
It's amazing what a boy can do to me,
It's amazing.

Rainy Sunday

You don't know how hard I've tried to convince myself that I can just forget.
This feeling is still inside, you left it.
It never fails to find me.

On a rainy Sunday I feel you here in me,
like the days of summer, windows down and warm ocean water.
I'll never admit that we went too far.
It guards my hope of someday.

she moves in colors

I liked all the colors around him. I don't care much for him flipping off the camera. He's attractive and of course a great body. And I'd kill to have an a** like his (course I could just do squats and lunges). But back to the colors... I like how they are vibrant and kind of blurry. Other than the finger, I really, really liked this picture.

I love the bucolic whimsy of the work. Set as it is on the vast open plains of ... perhaps Hampstead Heath. Or Le Jardin des Plantes. With its ferocious packs of indigenous poodles. And colonizing but now tentative giraffes, who are wondering to whom those bones once belonged.

take a bow, play the part

I'm back. And I started painting again. It's cathartic for me.
This was my first attempt at a human form and found that I enjoyed everything except the face. I hated trying to do that. The model has an incredibly cute face, but my rendition is kinda yucky. But oh well. I did have fun. I think I might want to start doing more human forms minus the face and hands... lol.For some reason Hawaii and Paris have been on my mind. I've never been to either place, but I've seen their faces. I think their faces have affected me more than I even realize. But I learn to let go...

I liked the colors. I liked the yellow over the dark colors. I was just thinking about something and it seems like Paris is always in the background of this thought.

X-static blog

Dear Ancient Ice,

I don't really know what you're about. But I've had fun with you. I'm happy that you've morphed and changed with me. I still like you.

Love,
Ryan

I think Love hates me

Where did we go?
When did we go off track?
But this is where we are.
There's no point in looking back.

I don't know if those are lyrics, more than likely are, but I cannot place the song they belong to.

Someone from your past lingers in your life. You never know where you stand with him. You just think it's nothing, but every time you see him you have to fight a feeling. Something you don't understand. Something that you know you feel for him, and you don't know why. So you fight it. Dismiss it as nought. It's nothing. Make it go away. You've known him for almost a year now. Nothing has ever happened. Nothing ever will. Accept it and move on. Distance and lack of communication help you to move on. You're okay. It was nothing. Just a moment that has passed.

Months later he's in town again. You go to his mom's house to help set up a Christmas tree. You immediately feel at home. It's a fun evening, setting up a Christmas tree, who wouldn't feel at home? Laughter and conversation fill the evening. Then you look at him and as if you were hit by a large stick, all those feelings come back. The rest of the evening you try to be cool, and you think you've gotten away with it. But at the same time you're sick. You wish you could just reach out to him and pull him close to you. You long touch his face, yearn to steal a kiss. The same void opens slightly in your chest, between your lungs. The goodbye was painful; the hug awkward. You want to just kiss him, but at the same time petrified of ruining anything. His actions all night were friendly. Nothing less, nothing more. You release from the hug and duck out of the door. The walk to the car is a blur. You can only think that you're walking away, not towards.

Now is the time get over it. But anger surges: WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS SAYING GOODBYE TO THE PEOPLE I FEEL MOST STRONGLY ABOUT? WHO DEALT THESE FUCKING CARDS? WHEN CAN I GET OFF THIS FUCKING RIDE? I'm ready to be done. I don't know how much more I can take.

Go on don't sit there like a fool. You've graduated from a different kind of school. At least I have felt for him what I thought I was no longer able to feel. At least I know I still can feel strongly for someone. I know there's someone out there waiting for me. There must be someone, there just has to be.

too late. too little sleep.

Is that seat taken? Congratulations.
Would you like to take a walk with me?
My mind it kinda goes fast. I'll try and slow it down for you.
Think I'm going to take a drive.
I'm going to give you something I've been wanting to give you to:
My heart.

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seem to be the happiest you've ever been
Now you belong to him.

I can't change this. I can never change it back.
But now I can't change your mind.
And I can't take this. I could never take this back but now,
I can't change your mind.

Analytical Chemistry

I was too much. I left solid ground and let myself get caught up.
I could not see. Despite the downtown lights.

Energy swirling, warming my skin. Then vacancy.
Was it ever even there to begin with?
Was I alone in the empty street?
No one around.

I thought you feel it.
I saw you feel it.
I felt you feel it.
How do I know?

Empty stairs, quiet hallway, lonely room.
I let myself out. Too much too soon.
Tuck my pain away, I should have known.

Each word you spoke staccato.
A whiter shade of pale in the moonlight.
The shame I feel for feeling.

good for me

Siento que hoy no puedo describir porque me has afectado tanto. Yo era tu enemigo fiel que pisaba siempre solo pocas huelgas atrás de la fantasía, echando la razón olvidando imaginar. Pero siento que de nuevo respiro la vida.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.-Carl Jung.

Who? and I like.

So finally there's someone who has brought all tall man's problems to the shorter folk. And called it style (on purpose (I know!)). Pants with the cuff too short. I think it's great. Really.

And then how much fun would suits be if you could wear shorts?

I liked the look. I think it'd be fun to play around with the suit like this.

Hmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm Hmmm

Normally like most other gays, I flip through the magazines targeted towards homo adults looking for the hot guys and pretty pictures. I've been reading some of the stories, while most of them were that usual tone of... hmmm, I'm-trying-to-relate-to-you-normal-people-but-since-I'm-writing-for-Out-and-you're-not-and-I'm-fabulous-and-I-guess-you-can-be-too-if-you-tried-like-me-but-so-far-you're-still-just-a-reader-so-this-will-have-to-do-cuz-I-need-to-get-ready-for-a-night-out-with-famous-people-and-my-picture-will-be-in-the-next-issue-of-me-next-to-Kathy-Griffin-like writing. But I found a writer that seemed like he came from the people and still kinda remembers that, though we do still need to adore him, so Christian Dior him? From his head to his toe? No, but read what he has to say.
Mr. Josh Kilmer-Purcell. I don't know. Maybe one is his maiden name, and the other not. Maybe his parents felt it necessary to give him both last names, when I write him a letter I will be sure to ask, but read his words. I really thought he was clever and funny. http://www.iamnotmyselfthesedays.com/
He used to do drag. Who knew? He's delectably cute these days. I tried to find a picture of the one of him in the magazine, but couldn't.

capture our story in one second

A million miles from my skin. But my heart just right here.
The image, walking in daydreams, el mar, el cielo.
It was the first, and keeps in my heart forever.
Embraced my embraces. Everyday waking up.
I realized a new empty, that you were filling.
But more than fifty thousand passed by, I learned to quit them all.
But I need a reason more, than just I feel.
Though excess abounds.

Time stitched a thread in my heart.
Pass the days, while seeing the sky deeper as taught.
Shoes no longer glued to the cement.
But teach one last lesson: how do I live without?

Let the rain make puddles, and raise the level.
Lived so much in such a short and small time, forgot what language I spoke.
Have I lived ten thousand days? or one day ten thousand times?

So far from me. Looking in my soul, a garden, I lost myself.
Let myself be carried away, my faithful enemy, that there could be so much more.
Errors boarding a ship, watching the rain. I'm not able.
I close my eyes:

The sun still down, the clock chimes early. I snuggle in, I like that it smells of you.
You're still asleep as I turn the soft light off. I hear you breathing and heartbeat.
You stir and wrap me in, the clocks lose count of time.
One lifetime is too short for me.

The butterfly replaces her guise, ending the ancient story, taking care that no one hears her leave.

Smothered in a frothy sauce of near-pseudo optimism, who could tell the outcome this time around. What appears to rocket from the doldrums to an orbit that no foundation could support.

Where was the middle ground?
Where is the infrastructure to execute such a radical change?

If you reap what you sow, then where are the fields upon fields full of the white fluffy substance to bring existentialism to what appears to be yet another fabricated display of contrite penance and humble accord for empirical nothingness?

Would sir care to beg the question?
Would sir care to answer at all?
Even a little bit?

Sincerely,
We've Seen It All Before

Cloudy Day

Will you remember?

I'm in a good mood today. Je suis en un bien humor. Oui. C'est vrais et je suis d'accord avec la vie maintenant. Not really. I botched the French language. Despite my incredible, masterful handle that I have on it.
I'm off to study...

Memories on a Shelf

die another day

So much in my head right now. I know what's right. I know what's wrong. But it seems I'm a catch 22.

When will I learn?

When will I just give up?

A Candy-Perfum Boy, Please.

If any of you fear me going back to Mormon lifestyles, see here. It's frightening to think of the kind of people I'd be dealing with.

I'd rather deal with these types of mormons. And of course these:

“I think that you’re afraid to look in my eye, you look a little sad boy I wonder why.”

Last night I went out with a boy from CA. He was nice and fun, but all night he kept telling me that I was acting different when I thought I wasn’t. I don’t know. He so funny, he’s the first to get on a crate to speak about love and how it takes work, but he simply won’t do it. Oh I’m not looking to date him (he lives in CA, long distant really doesn’t work).

Last night I had a dream, I can’t remember much of it, some of the details were very vivid but others were blurry. I remember colors: I remember deep earth tones which seemed to penetrate the sunshine. The walls, if they were walls, were like large sides of cliffs stretching towards the heavens. I tried to look up. It wasn’t dark, like the sun was shinning right on me. But there was no sun. Vegetation was everywhere and the sounds of the jungle though I really don’t remember a jungle.
I walked to the ocean and just watched the blue mass billow in front of me. I only contemplated the blue, there was so much blue. I remember wanting to walk into the blue aggregate to be apart of it, to know why it was so blue, but I couldn’t move. I was firmly planted on the sand; I even checked my soles for roots.
No hubo sonido. Recuerdo el silencio. Pensé que vi barquitos en la distancia, como luzes pequeñas. Y me desperté.

“I took me by surprise that you understood.”

Update

I'm addicted to America's Next Top Model. I try and watch it every week. I even requested from the roomie that we record it should I be busy and can't be there for it. I even like it better than Heroes. Heroes has begun to get too messy for me. I don't really care for it really anymore... but I'll give it a few weeks to get better.

My absolute favorite of the show is Heather. I simply cannot get enough of her. She's akward, bumbles, and is plan wonderful. I totally identify with her. Not that I'm even 0.12 as attractive as she is. But she isn't classic beauty. There's something about her, maybe the underdog, maybe wondering how she is hanging in there with all these other girls... But she is doing it well.

Love you Heather!I absolutely loved to hate Ebony. And I miss her. I didn't want her to leave. I really didn't. She was amazing and I loved how she looked like a big tomboy at panel but would be a feirce woman in her photos. Come back Ebony!And I cried when Sarah got the boot. She was the plus-size girl and I loved her for it. She knew she was going home. This is a testament that fat people are still not socially acceptable in society. We don't want to see no fat girl. Tyra, you need to reconsider!And then here is my latest picture. I was resing from a 3 mile jog I was on... sorry about the hair.

I haven't learned the lines you'd like to hear

I look out at the scenery while driving away. No specific destination, just away from the city. I need to leave behind what it is, who I am there. Just for a few hours. I conceal a lot, and I get tired of concealing it. Deep in my heart, and I can't confess what I'm feeling. I'm scared, I fear. I try to keep my brave face on and go forward. But all alone it's hard. all alone I sit and think about what I may be giving up, what I may be letting go. I'm frustrated if I should fight for it. Firstly I don't know why I'm so caught up. I thought I could let go just as easily as I took hold.

I'm watching some bits of Evita. Despite being a 2 hour Madonna music video, I do like it for what it portrays. I love the deceit, the sex, the scandal, the intentions, the trust, the guile, the betray. I think my favorite part is when she is dying and worries that she is no longer of use to him, and she appeals to love. Love is the fabric that holds us together, at least that's what I think. I like to think that he did truly love her. And she continued feeling like she had something to prove to him, she had to show that she was worth something. And when all that disappeared, she became vulnerable.

I've never really understood love. I never could feel it for most anyone. I love my family, but that's a different love from romantic love. I used to wonder if I would ever feel it. I think I've felt it. And I think I've decided that if you truly love someone then you will let them go. There's a cliche for you. Anyway, that's what's been on my mind.

"Where do we go from here? This isn't where I intended to be. We had it all... Certainties disappear. How do we keep all our passions alive? Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say, scared to confess what I'm feeling, frightened you'll slip away."

today

I met a lady that sat in the audience where JK Rowling first said that Dumbeldor was gay. She wanted to know if half a witch would cost the same as a whole witch. And then showed me a picture she carries around of the pumpkin she carved. I liked her.

tonight I thought I wanted to go out and sit in one of the best lit bars in Phx and talk with an old friend. But now I'm just ready to go to bed. But I'd still like to talk to him, someday soon.

I'm still wondering what's going to happen in life.

My dad said some really good stuff to me the other day. He's an amazing man.

I can't stop listening to two slow, sad songs. Maybe if I listen to them enough, they will resolve themselves and there might be a happy ending.

advanced therapy

My skin is so dry. I looked at my upper arms this morning and wondered when all the ash blew in. So I lubed up this morning, and then went to go get my check-up. You know, the one that all sexually active men should. All's well.
The PA who serviced me today was very cute. 38 from Tennessee. Mark is his name with crystal blue eyes... like that icy, crystal blue. His puppy, Buddy, is 17 years old and keeping him up at night because he's slowly dying. Mark got kinda choked up. It was cute, endearing, and the poor dog. I thought about saying that at least he got 17 good years but decided to let it drop. I'm trying to learn the art of silence. All went well. We talked about David Sedaris, of course Amy and on the tip of my tongue was if maybe I'd see him out sometime. But I didn't. You don't ask the man who just felt you up, probed you for bacteria, and drew blood if you'll see him around. Do you believe in love at first sight? It's an illusion...

Besides, I know that right now it was just my need for a band aid. I need someone to tell me Let's forget your life, forget your problems, administration, bills, and loads. Come with me (in the evidence of its brilliance). I am listening to a lot of Confessions these days. I hadn't listened to a song for quite sometime from that album, listening (when I listen to Madonna) to the 2 new songs, or Ray of Light or stuff from her first two albums, Borderline being a favorite of mine right now. You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

There's this guy. He's young, and he likes me. He needs to know that those are two detrimental attributes right now. If I have it, I don't want it. But if I can't have it, then I want it badly. Well, actually that's not the case so much. It just seems that right now I'm not meant to have another in my life acting as boyfriend or lover. I think I would like it. But it needs to be the right guy. I've been around long enough that I feel I'm not going to settle. If he doesn't meet my requirements or excel beyond them, then I don't want him. I've met a few that I'd love to love. And despite myself I do love them. But the number is very small. I think I know enough between something that feels real and something that feels fleeting.

I started reading A Picture of Dorian Gray. Could it be anymore gay? But all the same, I like it. I especially like to be reading novels again. It adds a dimension to my life that I once enjoyed but since have forgotten. It will take awhile for me to get back to cogitating like I think I once used to.
And my car got egged last night. One egg that dug unto the hood of my car. Hooray. I would kill the little bitches if I ever could pin them down in the haystack. Maybe not kill but definitely make sure they knew and felt my rage, if not from me, then certainly their apathetic, terrible parents, or the police, or my car... lol... that nice thought I will leave with you.

Connect to the sky future lovers rise their ambition high, would you like to try? Let me be your guide put aside your pride future lovers hide love inside their eyes. Not controlled by time future lovers shine for eternity in a world that's free. Put away your past love will never last if you're holding on to a dream that's gone. I'm going to tell you about love. Would you like to try?

We'd be good, we'd be great together.

still not over it, after all these years

Looking from a window above, just like a story of love. Do I see you?
All I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day.
You're all I ever knew. Only you.
Sometimes when I think of her name, it's only a game. I still need you.
This will take some time, getting over you're not mine. I can't take any more.
Will you understand it's the touch of your hand behind a closed door?

I had been longing for as long as I can remember
For something like this to come my way.
It always felt so right, and then you take it all away.

Tell me how will I fall in love like that again?
I'm still walking through my tears in the pouring rain.
I'm still dreaming about those nights of us together.
See I thought I'd found the love I'd have forever.

but you know I'll be true

I understand. I need to be humble. I don't like having to learn humility but that's what's going on. I'm trying to be happy and learn from it, this is the course that I need to take. I'm happy for him, I really am. But the happiness comes with jealousy and regret. I had to call my mom and talk about it. She said that the past is in the past, nobody is perfect. Really he is just the catalyst that brought all the thoughts out and it's time to face the demons, the skeletons in my closet, and all that I don't like about me.

Dear Nate,

A new Elizabeth movie is out and I'd like to see it. You were the first one I was going to call to go see it. I'm sure you've already seen it, devoured it, and saw it again. I was just thinking about you. I'd contact you for real, but I just don't think it's the right thing to do.

Questions to Myself

Lately I've felt that I'm in an introspective state. I feel like my past and present are beginning to fuse and make more sense to me. I feel like I'm a bit more aware of what's going on around me in my life, and I'm concentrating more on what I need to do to accomplish my goals.

I hope I'm not becoming more selfish. While that's always been one of my faults, I am hoping that I am just not as concerned with what others may think of me. I want to be involved in the lives of my friends, a support, but I don't want to be a crutch, if that makes sense. Also I don't want to rely heavily on others. I'll tell them what's going on in my life, and I certainly don't expect them to resolve anything.

I'm on track to graduate (FINALLY!!!) and apply to pharm school. I'm uber nervous about applying to pharm school, but until I try I'll never know.

Yeah, I'm still unhappy with my physical condition, but I know that it's all me. And my fault I'm not happy with it. It's not that I need to learn to accept me the way I am... No, I mean I need to start doing the right choices so that I will feel like I am trying to make things better, and if nothing changes then I will accept who I am because I know I'm doing what I can.

This applies to school. Yeah, I'm not going out as much and not keeping in touch with a lot of people anymore. I think maybe because I'm more comfortable in my skin. I used to, and still do to an extent, get affirmation from how many people I'm around. That's so temporary. I remember I'd have wonderful nights out when I was like the bell of the ball, or treated as the prom queen. And if no attention then I'd have an awful time out. Lately I've been avoiding attention (not to say I don't LOVE it when it comes) but I have a wonderful time just connecting with friends and totally okay if they are all I talk to in the evening... gosh that just sounds so silly saying that, but that's finally where I'm at.

I knew you were going to bring up love. I'm not into anyone right now and really not looking. I find that I'm really happy just figuring out what I want. I think everyone can see that too. I was seeing a guy, kinda, but he said that he and his bf were on a break trying to figure things out... and he said technically they weren't together... I'm okay with that. But as soon as I heard, "we're back together but we can still get together now and again" I was out of there. I don't need that, nor does my karma. And truth be told, I'm currently waiting for the hottie in my p-chem class to ask me out... lol. which is my way of saying nothing's happening or gonna happen for awhile.

It's time for me to go study before class.

Ni un adios al partir

Creo que estoy afinando "el typo" de hombre que tengo. El los dias pasadas he visto algunos chavos que me hacen mirar mucho. Y todos tienen algo similar fisicamente, y su personalidad - pues de lo que observo. Todos tienen pelo oscuro con piel blanca. Y ellos se parecen como son "nerds." esto es todo que tengo en este momento.

Snap out of it.

So I ran 4 miles tonight to just get rid of some of my angst and to clear my head. I know what I need to do to improve, it's all good.

Dear Nate,
Did you see Tyramail?! OMG! I knew the yalie-girl was gonna hit the showers. Her attitude that she swung around those judges, I'd have sent her packing then and there! I miss being able to talk to you sometimes. Hope all is well.
Ryan

It's personal, and I'll be gone before it happens

I can't be up-beat all the time. It's okay when I'm in a bad mood; and a sad mood. I guess I'm still paying my dues in life and still letting karma clean itself up after I've taken advantage of it in the past.
It's hard to go on sometimes. Sometimes I feel like everything drops on me at once and I want to bow out of life. If all the world is a stage then I just want to exit stage right and hang out on the side for a time. I've got some straightening out to do. "It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry."
I'm not very smart. turn to stone. Lose my faith. I'll be gone before it happens.

I'm not resilient like I used to be. I've taken a lot of blows, and now in my older age, I can't take them as often as they've come. "All of my clothes feel like somebody's old throw-aways."

Dream away your life, dream away your dream.
I won't sell out, but I'll walk away before I'm broken.

When's this d@** season going to pull up its stakes and leave!?! I'm ready for it all to get colder. But they do say that it gets cold on Halloween. Halloween.

I'm not ready to celebrate Haloween this year.

So far I've heard two of the new songs from Madonna's up-coming album. It sounds very much like her first album... there's an underlying beat, some other background sounds and then lyrics. I think, at least in my "totally unbiased opinion" that it embodies the direction that music is going in the US right now... the 80s are defing in the sound nowadays, and who was 80s pop music? That's right, you know who.

Hear Me Out

I just sent an email to an ex explaining that I really don't like it when people just cut me out of their life. If that's what he wants to do, then I told him to at least tell me and to go into the reasons. I'm a big boy, I can take it.
I think it mostly came from that he is worried that I'll get upset that he's dating someone new. On the contrary I'm happy for him.

yesterday I spent the whole day with Ami. I think she's the best. Ever, full stop.

I'm with Verizon now with no changes in the digits. I got my bro's old phone. It's a palm phone and it's big and bulky and I think I like it... lol... I like how it shows things better than the flip phones, but it's a brick to carry around.

I have Madonna's new song, "The Beat Goes On." It's effing awesome! It's a total parody of "Hung Up" but I like the message just as I did in HU. "I can't keep on waiting for you, anticipating that you won't keep me waiting... Always the bride's maid, never the bride, two steps behind, you've got too much pride, always supporting never the star, get it together cuz the beat goes on..."

I made a decision that I'm not waiting anymore. It's a broad statement but I like it. I feel alive now that I'm doing my thing. If I can find someone who can keep up then great. Both friends and lovers. I'm over trying to appease or walk on eggshells, I like it straight to the point or you're done. I'm not cold, but I scrutinise much more about the people in my life.

humble pie anyone?

(I apologize)

intuition hasta el sol

I've been fussing lately over what songs I want on my Fall 2007 compilation CD. I like them to mean something to me; carry a personal significance. I like the CD to tell a story.

Stolen - "We watch the season pull up its own stakes, and catch the last weekend of the last week... Watch you spin around in your highest heels, you are the best one of the best ones. We all look like we feel."
How could I not put this song on? It wraps into a few versus and choruses emotions that I feel about the summer, and the end of the summer, when much was going on in my life.

Good for Me - "To feel for you is easy, my baby. I know you're good for me. This feeling inside me, oh it sends me sky high. You're good for me my baby."
Who doesn't want to feel like this about someone? I've felt it, I've loved it. It reminds me of that happy feeling of having someone in your life that is good for you, just having them there is enough, when your heart feels so euphoric that it might burst open.

Puede Ser - "No sé si quedan amigos, y si existe el amor. Si puedo contarte contigo... Puede ser que la vida me guia hasta el sol." (I don't know if friends will remain, and if love exists. If I can count on you... It could be that life will guide me towards the sun.)
Como quiero esta canción. Me da sentimientos de que lo que pasará en la vida estará bien... yo puedo guiar mi vida a lo que quiero, pero al mismo tiempo hay algo que afectará mi vida, sobre lo cual, no tengo elección.

Wonderland Theme - There's a feeling of new mystery, of a new story beginning, though the story is old and been told many times.

Borderline - "If you want me let me know, baby let it show, honey don't you fool around."
A return to my girl's early 80s stuff. I love the old sound of it, the simple music and even more simple lyrics. It's simple. That's what I'm looking to do with my life. I want to simplify, get back to the basics of life. I think happiness is fundamental; it's easy to get lost in too much stuff and forget to be happy with all I already have.

Pure Intuition - "We've been wanting each other since before we were born, and I will want you even after I am gone."
So many memories with this song. Once again that love that is so powerful, so obvious, is what I desire. I refuse to settle. I can count on one hand the number of people have I felt this passionate about.

Please don't stop the Music - "I wasn't looking for nobody when you came my way."
Love when I see some one new who gives me that unknown thrill of not knowing where it might go..."

The Music's no Good Without you - "We skid along the razor's edge, but you were crazy to be free... I miss you boy, I really do, come back to me... the music's no good without you baby, the music's no good at all."
I've ruined some of my best friendships. Some I don't know how or why, others I know exactly why. I'll never give up on them or think that it's over. They will always be in my heart, because what you love can never let you go.

Who Knew - "If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out... I wish could touch you again, I with I could still call you friend."
People come and go. I'm still learning to recognize and hang on to the special ones.

Cuídate - "Tus ojos me cuentan que te han visto llorar. Llena dos copas de recuerdos de historias que tus manos aún tiemblan si me escuchan hablar. Tu cuídate, aquí yo estaré bien, olvídame yo te recordaré." (Your eyes tell me that they've seen you cry. Fill two cups of memories and stories so that your hands tremble when they hear me speak. Take care of yourself, I will be fine here, forget me, I will remember you.)
Enough said.

White Flag - "I'm not trying to make your life harder or return to where we were... There will be no white flag above my door... And when we meet, which I'm sure we will... I'll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I've moved on, I will go down with this ship."
Recently I broke off a friendship, but I'll always love him.

Alive Again - "And it cuts like a knife as I watch you walk away. There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave, I just want to live again, like a story rain, I need to hear it beat again. I only want to keep the storm from rolling, I only want to learn to feel the rain..."
I'm making changes, learning what I want out of life and how to make it happen.

Call on Me - Great beat, takes me back to when I was just coming out, I kinda feel like that again. I think I'm learning how to be me, how to get closer to myself.

Vogue - "Beaty's where you find it, not just where you bump and grind it... Get up on the dance floor... Bettie Davis we love you."
;)

Secret - "Until I learn to love myself, there was never any loving anybody else. Happiness lies in your own hands. It took me much too long to understand how it could be."
I've made some stupid choices, done stupid things, but I recognize that, I own it as they say now. And I'm going to get better.

Nobody Knows Me - "No one's telling you what to do how to live your life but it's a set up, until you're fed up. This world is not so kind, people trap your mind. I sleep much better at night, I feel closer to the light, now I'm gonna try to improve my life."
Learning from my mistakes and moving forward positively.

X-Static Process - Not myself when you're around... in a crowd... all alone at night. ...will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too."
I'll probably never have it figured out. I'll always be searching, my only goal is to progress and get as close to myself as I can.

Can't Take It In - "It couldn't be anymore beautiful. I can't take it in."
I'm really happy with life and where it's going. I still have so much to correct and improve, but I'm on the right track, and that makes me happy.

Keep It Together

This weekend I went up to my parents' house for my little brother's farewell. That means in Mormon terms that in the church meeting he had to get up and give a talk, talking about how he is excited that he has been called to serve in the Porto Alegre, Brazil, Mission.
It was really a great time with the family. All of us kids were there for it. It was a lot of fun to talk with them and just spend time.
There was a huge crash on the I-17 South yesterday, and though it was terrible, I did trace the silver lining which allowed the family to stay together much longer as we waited it out. I love when we all get together.
I don't have more fun with anybody than I do with my sisters, parents, and brother.

Family is better than gold.

I also thought a lot about when I was going on my mission to Guatemala. It was an experience that was simply amazing. In the setting apart of my bro, I remembered the excitement of going into the unknown, going off to a totally foreign country to live and serve for two years. I think I was a bit jealous that he was going and I wasn't.

All this made me think of the good times and feelings I had in the church. Though currently I'm not practicing the religion, I still really love it and remember that I was at one point very happy to be a member.
Where does this leave me now? I little closer to myself I think.

yes ant, I think you are.

Elucidation of metabolic pathways

I hate biochem. I have been studying non-stop for like three days and I feel likeI know nothing. Granted I had four weeks to study for this test, but what fun would that be to not cram before the test, like I always do? Course this is the last time, I will be preparing on a daily basis for it for every test hereafter. Mark my words.

Hey Mr. Cooper,

Feel free to do your thing. Just have more shirtless photos taken. That will be all. And maybe check out this site.

Why Annie?

Why do I talk to the dog in a gushy, luvy-wuvy voice? Will she understand me better? Maybe I think that it will convey my affection for her three-fold as opposed to the normal, boring, one-fold voice.

The Front Row

I finally saw Casino Royal. It was a good show. But watching it just for D.Craig was totally worth it. I can't say I really followed the plot line (it takes a lot these days for me to just sit and watch a movie, unless of course I'm in a theater).

This past weekend I had a pool party, got too drunk and spent yesterday recovering.

Too drunk. I had a very large blow out with a friend. It was dramatic; el final. I don't plan on being in touch with him any longer. I did send an apology email but I didn't beg for forgivness. I did say I was sorry and was wrong. But I could never get our relationship right: I always wanted more, he kept me at an arm's length.

So I have to go on, go on, don't sit there like a fool. You've graduated from a different kind of school.

(I guess this could be a good time to just lay low. I feel like I've been making some stupid decisions lately. It's time to get back on the track I was on just last week)