I've had to work much harder than this for something I want

I'll give you love, if you turn the key.

So I'm back. I survived some rumors of me dating people and why I broke up. And I like to be back to me. Of course I have found someone new to keep my attention, and I'm doing well in my summer class. I don't have much time, but gosh I think swimming is my new favorite sport.

Erotic, Erotic, put your hands all over my stuff...

And help me move! Ugh, moving is going much slower than anticipated. Mostly because I've hit a wall and can no longer fathom even packing a box. But my mom and dad came to town today with their big, huge truck. We loaded the couches in the back and took them to storage. Now that they are there, they are going to stay there, and I don't have to deal with them for a couple months at least. I'm just exhausted of packing.

I did just a few mins ago send out the general text to see what was going on in the world of friends tonight. Last night Cw and I went out and had a blast! It was so much fun to just go out and be wild and crazy. And by wild and crazy, I mean that I didn't have the bf breathing down my neck and pulling me away from any boy that I tried to talk to... be friend or acquaintance. I might have exaggerated there, but sometimes I get tired of him. Lately I've been getting really tired of him. Almost to the extent that I may be getting ready to let him go for good. But I know not for sure. These are rash thoughts that I'm entertaining, all I know is that the freedom was nice and it's been nice not having to work around him, listen to his jokes for the 92,837th time, nor babysit him when he gets drunk. But at the same time, he is a great guy. But I'm wondering if he's great for me.

I talked to a friend today, whom I admire muchly, and he and his bf of 3 years have split. Wow. I was in shock. Upon hearing this news I wanted to raise my hand and shout, "Oh, Oh, pick me, pick me!" He is bright, handsome, fun, easy going, and great to talk to. So of course I intruded some when I asked if there was someone else... he paused and said nothing serious, just a friend, and followed that by saying it's nice to hang around someone that he has a good time with, and who makes him feel good and special. I was going to get a name and an address so I could dispose of this competition, but then realized that I was in a relationship myself already. But if my heart's no longer in it, what's keeping me there?

I saw two guys last night, one of whom I also have had a longstanding crush on, and his bf was so nice and cute. They looked so happy and content together. They have been dating for awhile now, I think one to two years, and they are still like newly-weds. They held hands to go get a drink together, they were by each other all the time, but there was a comfort around them that they did it cuz they wanted to, not cuz they felt they had to. I don't feel like that.

Putting this all into text makes me realize that I either need to work on my relationship or end it to be fair to him. But I know that I don't have what I want, or what I need.

But I don't know. Please don't say you're sorry.

After the bar last night, my friend and I were discussing the cute boys and my friend told me that if I'd tone up, I'd be "freakin' sexy." He then said, "you hide your weight well though." He's seen me in my underwear. I knew what he meant. And he is right. I would have much more confidence if I would just eat right and exercise on a regular basis. Seriously. He then said if I'm not planning on staying with this bf then I need to get back in shape. He was reading my thoughts. He knows. He knows me well, I wonder how. But he has said somethings that are totally my character to the core. But at the same time, I know he doesn't say them out of spite, but that he really cares about me, and he knows that him saying a few, possibly true things about me is not going to challenge our friendship. If your friends can't say it, who can?

So this is a call to arms that I need to get things in order, like my love life, and my body. I'm going to summer school in a little more than a week, and I need to spend a lot of time on that. Anyway, my thoughts need sorting. This was a help.

And Tell Me Boy, Now Wouldn't That Be Sweet?

And I could be your sweet escape.


Once again I think that I'm the last person in the world to get mildy fascinated with Ryan Seacrest. I watched the Wednesday night show last night, and when Ryan was interviewing on the street, or talking to people about the show, his shirt looked soo good on him.

This isn't the shirt, it was just a picture that google image search results yielded.

Moist, warm desire. Fly to me. I'm you Candy-Perfume Boy. The Sacred Nerve is Magic Poison.On to other news:

I have passed all my classes this semester and officially I will be applying to pharm schools. I'm nervous. What if they say no? I'm not going to think about that. Today I also began my official Get-In-Shape-To-Look-Hot-Like-Ryan-Seacrest diet routine. And actually I should say it's a Life-style change.

My goal is to look like Mr. Craig in swimming trunks. I'm tired of having to beware of Capt. Nemo when I'm out in the pool or lake. I wish I could go to the beach. I think it's about time to go to San Diego.

Well, I think it's time for me to go hang out by the pool.

Circles in the sand,
Ryan

Hey you, I don't like your gf, I could be your gf!!

Why am I the last one in the world to finally get into Fall Out Boy? I absolutely love the songs "It's not a Scene, It's an Arms Race" and "Sugar, We're going Down."

The hot guy from the ASU book store is my good friend's new boyfriend. I've know K since before I came out of the closet. His bf, Mr. ASU-Bookstore is a hottie. Wait, Hottie (capital "H"). I'm happy for them.

I went to BS West last night and saw SX. LOVE him. He hooked me up with drinks all night and did it with his pearly smile. Mmm, mmm. He has his own shop on Mill Ave that he makes t-shirts to order. I've had a few shirts made there and I love to go in with an idea and walk out wearing it. I think the store is called Brand-X. If any of you all are in Tempe or visit AZ, you should go. And by you all I mean you, Anthony. I think you're the only one who reads this silly little blog of mine.

I love her.

And if anyone knows who this is, please let him know that I'm open to the idea of a date and then possibly marriage and children. What a beautiful, artistic picture. I hope he likes Madonna. And if not, then I'll become a closeted Madonna fan. For the first date. First five minutes of the first date. I'll try not to introduce myself as Ryan, a fan of Madonna.

xoxo,

Ryan

puer prudentior est quam puer

Probably what the sculptures of Rome in antiquity would pound out on a daily basis. The nobility seemed to have them, and the world today calls it Roman when it's that prominent. Sometimes they don't work on faces, but on his it does. "Mmm, mmm, some thing's coming over me..." I'm stealing peaks like a child behind a pew at church, very interested in the person sitting behind me. But in this case he is on my left. He just stretched, his arms are that of a Greek god.

Anyway this is the end of the school year. And good riddance. I'm done with this place... for a few weeks anyway. I just wanted to get some thoughts out while I give my over-worked, saturated, Economically-challenged brain a rest.

Relationships. I was thinking in the shower today what mine right now is building off from, and what is its foundation. I had trouble defining anything and wonder if it's comfort I feel now or if this is the beginning of love and I'm waiting for the show to start. Or I may just be incapable of feeling anything deeper with my heart. What a great guy he is. But sometimes I want him to go sit over there while I have some time to myself.

A guy that I was interested in, and from what he said, he felt similar said, "When we get together we just talk about us." At the time, it was as if that was a no no. We needed to get together and discuss the world, art, philosophy, government, politics, the social structure, drugs, the rising costs of health care, and when I would be able to meet grandma. But when we got together we just talked about the bazaar attraction we felt for each other. Founded only on the fact that we liked each other. Unexplained. Our common ground was that we enjoyed each others' company and felt good around the other, and so would discuss it. It was only a short week and was doomed from the beginning; he moved on to bigger and better things (a great guy) and I moved on as well. No milk was spilled so no need to cry.
Sometimes I wonder where the relationship would have gone. Would I have eventually gotten sick of his bourgeoisie attitude and kicked his ass to the curb? Or would I have tried to make it work? Would my eyes start to wander? That I'm sure they wouldn't. Even though it never happened completely, I'm willing to bet that it would have been good. And I always found him attractive. But it would never have been able. It was under odd circumstances that we met and spent time together.

Music, Over and Over.

I am beyond happy that I found my ipod. It was in my car. I felt like a dummy. But now the good times can roll once again.

sic te occurro: unus

The snow outside the window made a small loop before the breeze carried it off to its new home. He looked through the photo albums; his thoughts within the realm of the past. What has become of these people he thought.

The sun set in a spectacular show, as I sipped a cocktail with my good friend on his back patio. "So what are we going to do tonight?" I asked him. He responded with an unsure grunt and sipped his wine. The day had been torpid and we were enjoying it; but that's as far as emotion went. The weeks prior were full of running, hectic, loud, must-be-there events. Today we weren't there, or anywhere really. I got up to plop more ice in my drink and noticed that my friend had missed a text. "impromptu party, my house, 8pm." It was from someone he knew and I didn't. "Hey, I took the liberties of reading your text, here." He took the phone, "I haven't heard from him in quite sometime."
8pm we were just getting into the shower. He had a huge shower with what seemed like 8900 water heads, and we had since lost the modesty as well as the Eros for each other. Getting dressed we hemmed and hawed over how much we had gained and how we needed to get back to the gym. I broke a bottle and slit his throat because he was bemoaning his disappearing sculpted abdomen. Which in all reality was as defined as ever. I on the other hand, well, never mind.
At 9pm he drove me to a strange part of the city, or really just a street I had never gone down. But I could easily have found my way to the nearest bar should this party be a bust. I'm vigilant like that. The party was well lit, and full of beautiful men. I surmised most of the group and when the cute host came to greet us, and forgot to even look in my direction, I figured that I'd just make friends with his vodka. Hmm, where is the good stuff, ah, tucked under the counter like most good vodka so that other people won't drink it. I'm sure some saw me open the new bottle, but they might have had to talk to me to interfere. I wasn't too worried about the cuties stooping like that. I'd rather give them fodder to burn for a few minutes as they burn my back with cold words. Besides, after a few sips, they'd be a blur anyway.
I settled into a soft patio sofa near the waterfall to the pool. The water was so blue. It was so well lit. I wondered how much it would cost to fill it with vodka.
"What's your name sexy?" I looked up to see a tipsy man swoop down into the seat next to me. "What great teeth you have, I'm Neil."
"I'm Ryan." I shook his hand and wondered if his dentist used a bull-dozer to get that effect and then commented on the blueness of the pool. He actually did turn out to be a nice guy, despite his poorly lined teeth, and after another vodka soda, I forgot to look for him again. My friend was catching up with old acquaintances and I decided to circumvent the groups standing in the kitchen and dining room, and pretty much everywhere else, and dart through the master bedroom to use the bathroom. I was all alone and rather happy to be in solitude. I finished up and then ran right into the other cute host of the evening. I just smiled and excused myself, embarrassed that he was really cute and I was in his bedroom uninvited. I tried to exit but he grabbed my arm, and said something about how he loves to see attractive men in his room, and then I smiled and said something, I don't remember, since all I could think of was how attracted I was to him, how nice he was, how great of a smile he had, what pretty eyes were looking back at me, and then I became an eagle and flew to the door, landing on my friend's shoulder and regaining my composure. I searched for some water. I will NOT be tipsy in that man's house. I need to gather my wits should he find me again, so I can present myself with poise and dignity.

was 2005 really just two years ago?

Lately I've been dipping into '05 here and there... pictures and such. I think it's because I've just been in touch some with someone who was a major part of my life that year. It's nice returning to some damn good times. I felt like nothing could get better. Everything was going my way. I think that it was definitely a golden time of my 20s. I've been playing with pictures and some thoughts that have come to mind...

A sushi with sake. I don't remember winning or losing. We believed the world was at our feet.

Only the good moments of yesterday seem to remain. The entire nights with out sleeping. Wishing you'd just arrive already.

There was never a bad time, just ingenuity. When I sleep, the silence constructs a time that we shared smiles often, and the lights shone so brightly.
You'd just be lazy and I'd be lazy too. Who knew responsibility would sneak up on you and then on me. Who knew that I'd be writing you letters via snail mail, wishing you were somehow here again, yet so happy for your success.
My eyes wide open and ear full of water. Dreaming a dream of euphoria. Because everything.
I'm not very smart. I knew something was wrong. But I can't feel bad for what I never had. I'll turn to stone and lose my faith before I let it happen again. I'll be gone. Selling out is not my thing. Walk away. I won't be broken again, I won't fall apart.
"I still believe in your eyes. I just don't care what you've done in your life. I'll always be here by your side. Don't leave me waiting too long, please come by. I still believe in your eyes. There is no choice, I belong to your life. I live to love you someday. You'll be my baby and we'll fly away. And I'll fly with you. Every day and every night, I always dream that you are by my side, every day and every night. I said every thing's gonna be alright. And I'll fly with you."

Dream of me. I felt like I was going to explode of so much happiness. But when you go quiet, alone at night. Not at all. Look at me, who to be? Should I give a damn? I don't know who I am. Wishing to find beauty, someone as talented. I can say now you are special, you are someone I still look up to. But now I know that I am special too, special like you.

Some where way up high, as dreams fly with blue birds. They come true, just wish upon a star and look beyond the clouds. No toubles, somewhere. With green and red trees and flowers. Brightness of day, I like to laugh.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I'm not sure, but I think that I don't need to explain myself. We all interact in this life, and we all learn from each other. I have come in contact with some great people, and then some others. I enjoy the effect people have on my life when it's good, but I still learn from the bad. I might write in a script, coded by letters, but to me I let out my heart's and mind's thoughts, yearnings, cries, and joys. I don't know what to say to you except that I'm happy for you, or at least trying to be. Somewhere soul-deep down I still feel that we shouldn't have gone wrong, but stayed right. But trees sprout leaves in the spring; I still water my plants. I see the signs along the road I'm traveling and try my best to read them.

I simply cannot get enough of "Like a Virgin" on the Confession Tour CD. Seriously one of the best songs and renditions of the song as far as I'm concerned... yes I even think better than Blond Ambition.

Erotic

what a week. Last night I was all wiggles and nerves until I got home from work and then c-r-a-s-h-e-d. I don't know why I was sooooo tired. But the pharmacist that I work with gave me her number. I think she would like to go out sometime. I'm open to the idea. Dating a girl again might be good, and who knows, I could fall in love and get married and have children. Or something.

but on the gay side of things, a guy that I hung out with Sat night totally caught my attention. He's totally straight, except he's open to the idea of sex with guys, but he just exudes sexuality. I loved it. Def a sexual being. When I hear Madonna sing "Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body... erotica... romance... erotica... romance... I'd like to put you in a trance... (all over me)..." I think of him and just being completely sexual with him. Mmmmm......

Don Ryan Triumphant: The Return

No, that's not me. And really I'm not aspiring to look like that. But if I did I wouldn't complain. I just finally since the fisrt of December, returned to the gym today! I also got over a friend mess-up. Though I don't hold any grudge against him, anymore, I find I do like lower doses of him in my life. And two of my favorite people in the world might be returning to Phx.

So here is my boy situation in plain English:

I was seeing a guy, but he isn't really putting much effort into seeing me. So it's died down and I'm not looking to revive it. He wasn't that much fun anyway, kinda high maintenance... however if he does put some energy into it, I will respond. It's not over, just kinda dying. I'm also talking to another guy but we've tried to date before, there's just still a lot of left over sexual tension. I don't want to date him really, I just want to be sexual with him in a committed kinda way, if that makes sense. But more than likely that won't happen, and that's fine by me.

So for those of you who are long-time readers you might be thinking, "wow, he's not all obsessive over any guy, he's actually just letting things develolpe as they will." Or something similar.

;)

I knew the day was dawning

"She could have easily disappeared into pop obscurity like the other frothy pop tartlets (Cyndi Lauper, Neneh Cherry) who came to fame on nascent MTV in the early 1980s. But Madonna's masterful manipulation of her image and the press, combined with an astute business sense, have crowned her as one of entertainment's wealthiest and most enduring acts. While her albums don't sell like they used to, her concerts still set attendance records all over the world, grossing $1 billion over the course of her 20-year career. The Material Girl's portfolio is also crammed with expensive items like contemporary art, real estate and a wardrobe of no small historical significance." -forbes

I wish that they did, but alas, they don't. But I still love her!

college fever

OMG!!!!!!

This was my horrorscope for today:

"The trouble with some neighbors can be ironed out by simply moving on. You are on automatic pilot today. Offer no opinions but accept any leads graciously and follow them. Soulmate energy could be stalled because of too much attention."

not sure what

I awoke last night to the evil, rude, loud neighbors doing. There was a loud knocking on the wall. Despite that I'm all for copulation, I hate these people. But put up with it anyway. But I decided this morning it's on. I'm going to pound on the wall and begin to make their lives miserable. And I'm out of there at the end of May. Only 4.5 short months away!
But the part that annoys me the most: the power I'm allowing them to have over me. If I hear some loud music or get woken at night I'm pissed and they determine my mood. So now I'm going to try and just look beyond that; learn to be in the mood I want to be in.
On to other news:
I still haven't gotten my ass to the gym. I did run two miles last night and I'm eating much better... trying to stay to the basic groups, away from the preservative stuff and the bad carbs (except breads and pasta and everything like that). I mean like donuts, fast food, etc.
But I'm still far from the physique I want to be. But I'm working there. March 15th is coming quick!

Fire in my core

I've been dealing with some pretty bad heartburn lately. I'm on the ranitidine, but it's not kicking it as well as it used to. I think I need to start eating better. Ugh. I don't want to say good bye to my Jack in the Box, or Taco Bell. Eww. I just read that I eat there and got sick. I think my alter ego was the one who bought it. I'll have to get after her. She is a fat girl after all. I need to skinny her down.

Over a Glittering Cloud

It's been so long since I've been on this thing. I was looking around various shops today and thought that I wanted to really blog again. I thought I wanted to be edgy, thoughtful, sexy, forward. Because that seems to be where I'm at in life. Not that I'm those things, but that I'm ready for change and I'm ready for a new me.

I was talking with my good friends who's visiting from Italy this holiday season and said that I just wanted to be stronger: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, liguistically, intellectually, etc. The list goes on and on. This though was stemming from talking about how I feel that 2007 is such a strong year, the numbers are strong, 20, 7, even 00. I like the look of them together. And they are all numbers that I've liked in my life. Then next year that will have this effect on me I think is 2013, another strong year.

I like this mindset because I want to get my ducks in a row, so to speak. And for me to get them all in a row I will have to be very disiplined and very strong. The hardest will be myself. I'm naturally very lazy and just let things happen. Sometimes I'm a bomb that ticking and sometimes I explode.

I went to the art walk/first friday that Phx does. It felt good to get out and about. I also felt the creation there, and felt like I wanted to be apart of it. The creation, making things, making things better. Making my life what I want it to be. Finally, doing it. So let's see, I'm going to try my hardest.

weep not for the memories

So a tale of two boys has come to a close. I think I cared a great deal for them, but I never felt like there was much returned to me. I don't have the energy anymore to continue blowing in the wind.
Yeah, I'm kind of a wreck right now. But I'm happy with it, or at least I know that I have done something good for me. I'm sure I could write pages on both of them, but it suffices to say that they are part of the past. I'll look back on the times we shared, and I think I'll smile. I'll only let myself remember the sweetness, not the bitterness.

you left me out

I'm not always like this. It's something I've become. He is dating again. He's not dating me. I blacked him out of my life. It's all over. So dramatic, so over in a flash... I run faster, faster, I wish I could dance with you just one more time. Faster, faster I run from him. Don't blame me, I can't help who I am.
Go, go, go, go, faster, not fast enough. Run before the pain catches up, run faster. No time to look at the stars. No time to start again.

Stop. Wait. Turn around. Would you like to walk back with me? But I think I'll need to be walking for awhile. I wanted to give you my heart. My pain I feel is a real emotion. I'm jealous that you're dating another boy. I'm dark in my corner now that you have wings. I can't look you in the face just yet. I'm still trying to mean it when I will say I'm happy for you. Look at the earth, the brown dust. When will you take me? When will I return to my warm, brown mother? I hoped you would sleep next to me for all our nights and then the long one.

Something I've become. Terrible weakness, but it's my nature, it's my blood. I feel that if you heard me say I love you, you would not listen. It's all over, I don't think you care for me like I do you. I know this, you know this.

Okay, I need to walk alone for awhile now.