So here is some real talk to myself: I need to figure this out emotionally. I need to get to somewhere emotionally where I can be friends. He cannot be more than that with me. This stems into my insecurities. I worry that he won't love me as much as he loves the other. Polyamory is a new world to me. I don't know if I'm wired for it. But my insecurities are what drive my partners, lovers, and even sometimes friends away.

This could be a test time for me to deal with my insecurities. You can practice but only during the actual test can you see if you're really ready.
What do I need to practice? Well establishing some boundaries. I need to tell him no. I need to keep me at number 1. I need to still have time with my other friends, and treat Matty like a friend and not my significant other. While he is important to me and emotionally I am into him, I need to not spend every night at his house. I need to let him be without me and me without him. If he makes decisions that put my insecurities at vulnerable, then I need to learn from that. He doesn't sleep with someone because I am bad, but because new and variety is exciting. for sure. I too enjoy it.

So friends. Treat him and learn to regard him as a friend.

I've been avoiding this

Dear )|(,

You have been avoiding this self-letter for a long time.  Matty isn't in love with you, he has his husband love and his boyfirend love. this has been a torrid affair, but you would be #3 in that line up. He has shared rings and necklaces with his loves. You are just a friend that is delayed in the friend department. We keep trying to be more, but we are a trainwreck waiting to happen.

You know I am wanting you. It's not a secret. But we're not in the cards, but chance pulled you near to me. But you are not my destiny for life has put you in an impossible place.
We can try to rewrite the fates and pretend you were meant to be mine and i would be yours. But we cannot be, no matter what we want.

It's not easy. It's hard not to run to you and hold on tightly forever. We can be just you and me behind these walls, it's easy for us to celebrate our connection. But out in the sun you will wake and see it was all an illusion. We cannot rewrite the fates. There are things keeping us apart and you are not the one I was meant to find.

We cannot rewrite the fates, but all I want is to fly and fall with you, everything with you. But it's impossible. you are the one, or at least one of the ones I was meant to find. We could change the world to be ours. but i learn to let go of those illusions.

taylor sing me matty

It was the best of times and worst of crimes
you struck a match and blew my mind
but just a show, you wanted to leave him
          I'd be your reason
from that first drink I knew we were cursed

I don't remember where it all began
it moved so fast we just ran
you were driving the getaway car
we were flying but we'd never get far

You made the great escape your prison break
but you weren't thinking and we were drinking
well he was running after you and I just heard "go!go!go"
but a circus ins't a love story

like jet-set Bonnie and Clyde it's no surprise I'd turn you in
I'm in the getaway car left you at the motel bar
put the money in a bag and took the keys
that was the last you every saw of me

I'm driving the getaway car I was flying
don't pretend this is a mystery
think about where you first took me
     I was riding in a getaway car
     I was crying in a getaway car
     I was dying in a getaway car
     I said goodby in a getaway car

And then there was

Sometimes I want to just walk away from it all. When really what I want to do is hold you tight and whisper I'm falling for you. But all I can say is it's alright, can you see the downtown lights?
Empty streets
Empty nights
How do I know what you're feeling? How do I know what you're feeling? How do I know you still get me? (I still get you)

Surely you felt something. You're only guessing, I'm only guessing. It's all just feelings anyway.

The faint glow

Wasting this dream, trying to grasp where I am.
Pushing the night aside, feeling like I have to be strong.
 for me.
When I see you, I fall apart. Then I hear you, I break apart.

On the verge, I felt it I'm sure.
 doubting
They're only fucking feelings
You left me hanging, the silence was killing
if you really wanted, you would have

oh what is real? is real inside?
i thought i still got you do you still get me?

insecurity. my skin on your skin.
 senses gone mad.
        no logical thinking
if you really wanted, you would have
  they're only fucking feelings.

Me voy, Madrid

What was my endgame? I know when I first saw you, I was set on you. But you have been upfront with where you are. You talked to me honestly but I was dumb. I kept waiting for you because of my own vanity.
What was my endgame? There wasn't one. I would look into our future and see nothing but a fuzzy, cloudy illusion. There can eventually be just one ending. There are infinite possible endings, but time will cement one in. My self-delusion was blissful since an end didn't exist.

I got caught up in the sweet, creamy cake batter of infatuation.

(once again I am fighting my need for validation through the attention of others. I make myself present consistently in their lives so that they don't forget about me. If I'm out of sight, then I'm out of mind. I do it to a point of obsession, and end up smothering people and driving them away)

Rome wasn't built in a day

I'm not sure when the beginning of the end came. But I think it came like a thief in the night. It was strange, and I'm still not sure I know how to let you go. but I knew that it wouldn't be long. I knew I'd lose you. But wasn't ready for the abrupt edge. No signs no warnings. But I signed up to drop my hands when I met you. We signed on the line bound by contract for a short time only, you wrote the time frame. And I agreed that there was never going to be a need to argue when that time came. I knew this would happen. Not angry but letting myself feel the sadness and the empty. But in a few days it will pass. I do know that I'm resilient. And that was my ace up the sleeve in this case of you.

zolpidem 10, diazepam 2, diphenhydramine 50

Someone can't sleep. weird. I went to bed at 8 this morning. It was a night out like I was 22 again. And then you meet that boy. you know, the one that you've had your eye on for awhile now. He's super nice and everyone seems to know him or at least who he is. Is that a good or bad thing? But then he diverts all his attention to you. You're not 22 anymore, you know what this means and where the evening could go. It's easy to dance the dance now. Say the things to get your way, "oh, you need a ride?" "Sure, I'll come in to see your house and for a glass of water." "Yes you can kiss me, I've been waiting."

(but wait says that small voice from somewhere that was blanketed over with that last drink, but still seems to make a sound... don't you kinda want to get to know this guy? he seems stable, sane, he's cute, this is kind of a thing you shouldn't just fuck away?)

Well, I sure do/did/will? I don't know anymore. Alanis comes into my head..."I was hoping, I was hoping we'd be creamy together...."     I was hoping. Damn was I hoping. But I'm not a gabling man. This is probably a one-trick pony and now or never. But what if he's more? He's drunk as a skunk. He's a damn good kisser. Fuck, he's convinced me to get in his bed, i shall leave my panties on... oh what the hell.... I am tired, still kinda buzzed, but really more tired that anything. And he's giving me a lot of attention and quite a bit of complements. That was a pretty amazing kiss. And now he's going down... I'm ok with that, his mouth is good. Am I killing off every chance of any sort of relationship? will we now be the friends that wave and say hello, give that hug-thing when we meet and while in the back of my mind, he's just another one that I've fucked, I'm just another notch on his lipstick case? Me and half the town, I know his reputation. well, I guess the welcome wagon finally welcomed me. I want to date him still though. stable, sane, and cute. But who is I to ask for so much?! I know nothing John Snow. Well, it's over. he's exhausted, I'm exhausted. we fucked. I guess I'll have to file this away into my sexcapade folder. Do I still want to try and date him? He's the right age, and I'm not getting any younger. he's really drunk. damn, he was really drunk. I was a drunk lay. but I did get mine too. maybe I don't want to date him. he cuddles well. ok, my contacts are still in and I need to get home. Bye boy, don't get out of bed to see me off... wait, you didn't even offer, you went right back to sleep. ok, well, then I got mine. it's been awhile I was wanting some sex again, and it wasn't bad. actually kind of fun. yeah, there's been some bad sex. home, so do I go to bed, or omg, it's 7:45 in the morning. ok, so breakfast and nap time.



I woke up to a text from boy. well, thanks to you too for the evening, and glad to have seen you out. oh, hello my life, and my empty bed and my clean sheets, and my quiet house, and bare walls, and all my things. Hello, I think I like it this way for now. I think I shall play my video game and have a latte. Nobody here but me, and I like it that way. for now.

How much?

I wish I had met you years ago. When we were both innocent and alive with youth. I wish we could run to the oceans and streams. I swear I've been there with you a lifetime ago.
I close my eyes and we're 1995 swaying in the breeze with our DocMarten's and collars, humming why you have to let it linger to the batteries in the speakers. The lives I've lived to get to you now. I pray this is the final chapter.

lifting the work of giants

The music quiets, just a beat. Build. It was too much. The man couldn't take it. it was bound to break. sooner or later. you were all I could trust. I was facing the world and dark days alone. all ran away. but you're still here. but you're still here. when it all falls down. all ran away. but you're still here.
I'm scared tonight. But you're still by my side. The world is cold. Could we really grow old with each other? This far, with all men struggling for themselves, all seems to go to hell and dust. What do we have. You show me love, you show me us, we build a new song. You're scared tonight, I'm still by your side. just 2 souls.

I guess it made me feel

I watched a movie that was stupid. But really, actually a good movie. Right now. It just made me feel that ache in my heart that I know all too well. (Am I still processing that break-up that is now almost 1 year in the past, more if you count when we stopped loving).

Up in Alaska. Sometimes I feel like the world is turning and I'm not part of it. Scares me. But up here is where I am right now.

I found chasing shadows. Shakira song. Makes me think of the drive up to Alaska.

Arizona red runs in my blue veins
sometimes I get home sick. I'm ready to go back. Really ready to be with my people and my land.

All this time, still falling out of love

I don't remember, CW, if I ever really loved you. But I know I felt something real for you. I won't say that now I'm strong after all these years. I can't say I'm no longer hurt. But I can say that I try to see from your angle and it was I who had to go. You had to let me go. I was poison and only poisoning you. I had to go learn. I'm still learning, but still falling out of love. You'll always be special to me. You were there during those impressionable years when I was young and learning who I was and where I was and what I was. God help me to still learn those enigmas. I don't know how to approach you, I don't know how to say I'm sorry since I still feel I left so much destruction behind me. I listen to the Nightbird and remember I'll Fly with You.
and then
the thought of you moving on without me. the thought that I'm not anything to you. you moved on and I still pine over this. I still struggle. I still can't learn to let you go. I still hold to the illusion of could have been.

well, that was a nice, cathartic stroll down some memories... now back to the regularly scheduled programs...

What happened?

At this point I feel like my hopes and dreams are leaking out slowly. It's a phase. I need to re-charge. But right now I feel sad, I feel bad, I'm in a bad mood and I know I can feel this way. It's normal to have moments of sadness. I hope.

Wunderkind

A long time ago, when I was younger - much younger - I used to feel like my life had a melody to it. It seemed that there was always a happy tune playing somewhere in some sphere that I couldn't sense but a metaphysical auditory sensation. Life was easy. I had troubles, but they all seemed like nothing some good thought and hard work wouldn't clear up (that's still how I feel about most obstacles these days too, but my energy is waning and I'm not sure I've had a good thought in years). The music seemed to be everyday, but I only ever noticed it's presence when it was gone. For a few years afterwards I don't think I heard any of it, or had a time when I noticed it's absence. But the past few years it's come and gone. This isn't to bemoan it's current departure, but to rejoice that I feel that there are moments that it has returned.

Ignorance is not bliss

Like most of the country, or those with souls, I am heartbroken with the amount of violence and terror that is rampaging in this world. It comes without warning, its wake is tears - but as long as it's far away it's just a sad, sad story.
We're all made of flesh and blood, why should others be treated differently? Why does it matter who you love. Love is love.
Loss of words.

I wanted to post about the amazing hike I had today, and I still will. Moving on with life and not letting the fear and retaliated anger pollute and mar my mind is my response to the hate.

A.M. bien

It was the wrong time we met and fell for each other. But it seemed okay despite all the wrong staring at us. It was only for a moment that we shared the universe and slept in the stars and floated on clouds. Then quickly it was over. Real life shook it's head at us. Then you started to wander into your past. I still held on to that same star-lit night when we were up in the stars. I should leave. But I have a firm grip on hope. Though that hope as let go of it's grip on me.

There was no interaction. He wasn't here. He was here, but still only wanted to talk to him. I thought we could spend some time together. He never really did much for me anyway. This is usual I guess.

The smoke in the road has hidden all his tracks. It's over. It's over. Where are you going now friend? Why is it dark around here. Why must I bleed to catch your attention? Believe that I am bleeding. But you're still lost in the smoke in the road.

A recurring theme would be disappointment. You wouldn't have done, you couldn't have done. This thing that defines the rest. I hope you find your way. And it won't get any higher, but just boils down to what you did then.

Hoy, al viejo cuento se rompo. No se si puedo oyer ni escribir. no fui capaz, me perdí en mi misma. siguiendo tu diablo azul y fiel. otras cosas que veo.

Well here she comes. acting like she needs all this attention only to pull a knife out and slit my throat.  what a thief of hearts. you'll be sorry. little miss think she can have what she wants in the blink of an eye. Turn your back and she's off with your guy.

be careful with  my heart. don't take me for granted. things may change. I go insane, and play your fool. I'll never be the same with you gone. cuidado, me siento algo desnudo.  be careful and don't take my love for granted. I'm insane. I'm your fool and you play me like your fool. I try to just understand from the dark you have kept me in.  I tried to reach out to you. take your head in my hands, kiss your eyes and sing you to sleep. the voice of an angel. here is my heart, please to keep it.

every fault. every impression. every detail, everything under control. every truth, every approximation. every scene under supervision. The casualty is putting a guise of a butterfly that will fly away and leave us bare in the sun. You can't even imagine how I would have been, if you'd have just waited 1 second longer with you love. my gestures and voice, my kisses, they are gone.  The butterfly has flown away again. it's effect has come to look for reality. I just can only write hoping to not be heard again.

He didn't come again. I was waiting at the bar near some new aquantences. I was hoping to have just a moment with him. There were words about some grand meeting. I wouldn't have to renounce any glories. but the night aged on, and the bar grew quiet. and I haven't learned anything. just tears and sadness in my looks I give to the moon and stars. the song isn't sung and I don't have the desires to even try anymore. So I leave without even saying good bye.

You're a little late. I'm already torn. I see now what is here and no longer the holy light. you want to move on with out me. so many things I can't process but I see them now. They are here in my face. Illusion is all it was. never anything real.

Emotional, Still

I think... I think I might finally be getting out of the funk that I've been in for awhile now. It's been disheartening to see him move on without me. He is done with me. We are just friends in his eyes. I hurt; though my head comprehends, my heart is miles behind the time frame. Possibly it's been this weekend of moping and ignoring and distancing that has helped me to at least recognize where I am in this mess and how I'm feeling about it.



But I still reserve the right to feel bad about it.



Remember, I tried. I tried to love this love until there was nothing more. Despite my heart hurting because of this failed love. I tried. That in and of itself is a ray of light on this dark circumstance I'm in. Remember that I tried.

I'm really not sure right now

It's been a few months. I don't know if I'm just starting or at the end of it.
I get angry, apathetic, frustrated, happy, sad, content all at once. Or the emotions seem to race through my veins, all fighting for their turn in my brain and to occupy my thoughts. I don't regret and everything is as it should be, I trust that feeling. But I guess this is the grieving process. It's not supposed to happen and resolve in 8 easy steps or after a paragraph of woes. So this is me here, where I am right now.
Currently I'm not feeling angry, thought I'm avoiding my phone it's text messages. He asked me to remember that I'm moving out. And then disappeared for three days. I held my breath and got lost in coffee rings. Then moved on, but came back. It's a circle. But I don't want it back. I think this is how I'm reacting to the change. At least that's my best guess. I see instagrams of past crushes and see him and his beautiful boyfriend still lost in the giddy and happy of love. I wonder if he and I could have ever felt that. Or would it end since I'd be in the duo? I guess I'm in my pessimistic phase currently. Give me 3 minutes, it'll pass.

I'll Remember

Those songs that time-travel you to a distinct time and place in your past.

And so now

This is the part where it's going to take some time to feel again. Well, feel normal again. I was happy for the freedom, but now that it's a Friday night and the ex is out with his ?new flame? and I'm at home because I have to work in the morning and I feel like the world has turned and forgot to take me with it. So I handle this with some Cranberries in the headphones and realize that I chose this. I knew it was going to be over. I knew that I'd have to start over brand new. I knew there would be limited people here. But work is so good. My people there are great. I will make friends, this is just the point where I need to really focus on me. Get me back to where I derailed back in my early 20s.  Not that I'm unhappy, I just feel like I parted from where and what I knew I should do and the such. I don't regret but it's put me "behind" some.