My life goes on, but not the same...

We are giving friendship a try. I miss him. But I know that it is right. I know that we simply do not fit.

Even though this is the right thing, I still need time, it is the only thing that will help my broken heart heal.

In the process I forgot that I was just as good as him. I was turning to stone and losing my faith. That is why I needed to end it.
But he was kind, he was sweet. He was patient.

But we both agreed that we are looking for different things, and we really weren't working out.

My life goes on, but not the same...

Drifting

Last night I went out and had an emotional affair. It was nice being the center of his attention. It was fun being something he couldn't get enough of. I liked the complements finally being returned.

do you believe in love at first sight?

I don't. I know it's an illusion as Madonna says. I don't even think I beleive in love after a few months. Today I felt like I was not really a major part of his life. I thought that if I broke it off completely that he wouldn't care and may be releived that the thorn in his side is finally gone.

I wish he'd give me some indication that he'd like me to stay.

I know that the time draws near that if he doesn't do something more, I am going to have to end it. I can't pretend to like what's going on between us for much longer.

I recently hung out with some great friends... kinda my possie if you will.


Good times with good friends.

it's been a long time

I have not forgotten you my blog. I just started another that I seem to connect with better. Aren't blogs about the person who is writing them? When does it convert to a readers' blog? When there are ads and sponsorship?

Dooce.com just published a lot of emails full of hate about her site. I thought it was her site and it would evolve with her. I know that I feel like (be it ever so little) my writing has changed. If those readers don't like her blog they ought to move along. I don't read it daily and sometimes I find I'm not too inerested into the subject matter but usually check it in a few days to see what's happened and find there are at least a few posts I really like...

Anyway I think I'm just up set that in all facets... there are always a few people who demand to be entertained, like she is a trained monkey and forget that the writer is a complex human being, just a small, small fraction of her life and personality is portrayed online. At least I know that online I come across as totally insecure and my heart on my sleeve, but mostly isn't me, and sometimes is true, like when I'm writing something on here.

laugh to keep from crying

I've kept a lot bottled up inside of me. I never realized I was doing this until my sister said tonight on the phone, "Ryan, you've been out of work for a week and just now you are telling me." My feeble reply was that I didn't want to burden people with my mess.
So yeah. I was fired. For "excessive internet usage." I think the details are a bit sketchy since I kept an email browser open and would read blogs intermittently throughout the day and so did quite a few other people, but I was let go. Oh well, it's in the past. C'est la vie.

Then I blew up at the guy I'm seeing. I spilled that I felt I was doing all the work in the relationship and he was planning on bailing out on me. He said I sounded like I'm stressed. Well, he's right. There is so much I'm longing to tell any willing ear. But nothing new that I haven't filled the ears already of both my mom and dad, good friends, and the more-than-a-friend.

I was scared to say what I'm feeling. I'm frightened that he will slip away. The one major hang up that I always have to deal with and in the end usually costs me everything is that I truly believe that I'm not worth loving. So I can't comprehend that anyone would stick around me for me. With time they will realize there isn't much to me and get bored and leave. Insecure. I know.

But I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. So I try and keep my mouth shut.

As far as the job, it was a blessing in disguise. I'm going to take out a loan and go to school more than full time. I'm going to end strong and graduate. I need to get into a pharmacy school, graduate and then deal with bills and the color of couch pillows.

So right now I do laugh to keep from crying.

Joining the Clouds

The breeze felt nice tonight as I walked to deliver the rent check. There were people out with their families going to the car or walking their dogs to let them do their dooty.

I've gone through a lot in the past 24 hours. Something that cut me to the quick. But I made it through. I told a lot of people that I can't cry over spilt milk, but rather look ahead with a fighting spirit in my soul. There's still a large amount of uncertainty and I do what I can to wade through that.

I think this blog is a diary blog of sorts. It is what it is. All too much I've heard that expression. But it seems now that I'm wrapping my neurons around it. I'm still befuddled that so many people read this thing on a daily basis. I think 20 - 30 stop by a day. That's plenty for my small tastes. I like to read blogs and hope that I can provide something beneficial for those who read; be it a chuckle that this guy is crazy... ;)

my $5 coffee

exuberant. That is the word that comes to mind every time I treat myself to a starbucks coffee. The price is outrageous. But I have a habit to support. It’s not coffee… brewed anyway, it’s espresso. I love it. A lot. Too much. I can’t afford $5 a day like I used to. It’s silly to do that. I should go three months without coffee and just buy a machine. I should. I think I might.

Tonight I’m going to my best friend’s birthday dinner. I never thought that I’d have a best friend at this age, but I do. She is great. We get along like apples and caramel. Though we don’t hang out tons, we see each other often. Sometimes we go awhile with out speaking, yet we are the best of buds. Well, we maybe go two three days most with out touching base. I should base my relationships on this friendship. I might be more successful at them.

All in all, I’m happy today. Yesterday I was about ready to implode with all the buzzing around me. I had a nice quiet evening at home. Cleaned up some, watched Simpsons and soaked my feet. After the dinner I’m looking forward to another quiet evening alone. I’m really liking being alone. I like being able to read wherever I want. I like being able to walk around the house in my underwear. I don’t walk around naked. It’s more comfortable to have comfy underwear and a t shirt hugging my birthday suit.

I like to feel tucked in.

“Love yourself, or nobody else can. We weren’t meant to be, at least not in this lifetime. But you gave me something to remember.”

“I had all my bets laid out on you, set your stakes too high you’re bound to lose.”

“In the game of love I feel like I’ve paid my dues.”

It takes a lot of hard work

I chatted with my cousin last night. The one doing the MD and graduate in genetics at Harvard. I always thought that she was brilliant. And I still do. She is going to Oxford in England to help start up a research lab. I told her that I was envious of her going over there to England and all that. She candidly replied, “It takes a lot of hard work, and this trip will be no different.” When I talk to her, I feel like all I do is sit in one place like a fool. She has worked really hard to get where she is. I know that I too could be where she is if I exerted as much effort as she has. She is a doer, a worker, a catalyst. She gets the job done. I tend towards the lazy side of life. I do what I need to do, but generally don’t do all that I know I should. That is the root of a lot of my unhappiness. Deep down I know I am capable of much more, but content myself with being lazy. I lack ambition, will power and self-motivation.

I know there’s someone out there, waiting for me… and that person is me. I need to date and discover myself and my potential… for some reason I feel like that when I begin to do that, life will begin to fall into place and I’ll be happy. People will be attracted to that, at least the people that I would want to attract. I cannot go another day wondering if I used that day to its full potential. I won’t go another day wondering.

all because two people fell in love

This is going to take a long time. Those are the first thoughts that enter my mind when I read that sentence. It is a sign that my sister has hanging in her entry way at her house. I liked because it is true. Two people fall in love and then create a live based on and around that love. I wonder if I’ll find that kind of love, but a bit different from the past, I’m not bent on finding it. I’m learning to let things run their course. As Shakespeare said, “The course of true love never did run smooth.”

I try to take my time and breathe. He didn’t call back. He must have been busy. Don’t get involved right now Ryan. I freak out over many things, especially with relationships.. I mean have you read this blog? Haha. I forget to keep my focus primarily on my life when I’m in the beginning, rather than wholly shift to him and his life. I get boring like that because instead of two lives joining, I convert mine to his. That isn’t any fun. Just because he hasn’t called or written doesn’t mean much. And if he never does again, then I will still have my life in focus so I won’t feel so debased if he does leave.

And I forget to see if he will fit my life. And this is where the time comes in. I won’t know how we will work out until some time passes and we get to know each other.

thirsty, but mostly beautiful

Song called “Somebody Save Me” or something like that. Lyrics go, “Somebody save me, I don’t care how you do it.”
My thoughts: It’d be nice to have someone save me. It seems that so much of my life has come back ‘round to me having to take care of myself. I know that is just life, and I can make it alone, I’ve made it alone this far. But it’d just be nice to have someone there who I didn’t have to ask if he still cared. It’d be nice to know that he loved me despite how stupid I can be, and how I seem to fall apart sometimes. I’d love to have a strong shoulder that I could lean on from time to time and not have to worry if he has gotten sick of me, or is going to bail. It’d be nice to depend on someone and trust someone so much that they become apart of me, and maybe just maybe I wouldn’t think anymore that 1+1=2. I just might think I do have a half out there.

But I keep the fighting spirit alive. I’ll never relinquish my dreams. I will always keep hope alive in my soul.

Inside Out

I'll think about you. I think about

where we may have been at this

point of time if we had stayed together.

I wonder where you are. I wonder

if you're happy. If you ever told your

mom. I think about how when we

were on the beach. I remember that

you once cried.

I thought I was over you. I thought

I didn't need you. My thoughts were

wrong. But I go on. What more can

I do?

______________________________________________

Hazy Morning

What the hell. What the hell. What the hell is going on?

I'm scared of you. When did you have such

power over me? It's not supposed to be like

this. I need to find my way back down

before I really fall hard.

Floor it. Beat it out. Take something.

I refuse to love. I refuse to like you

any more. I need to get out in one piece.

I'm going to jump if needs be, don't try

and stop me.

What did you say? That it's all for the best?

That this is what we need? You decided this.

Your words are hard to believe. Quiet, shut the door.

I need time alone.

table fits study

I've always enjoyed this spot of campus... the fountain, the cool shade, the relatively secluded environment. Perfect for doing homework and studying. I also tried my first Su Du Ko (or what it may be called). But alas my over confidence of the seemingly innocent, yet deceivingly difficult number game didn't allow me to figure it out. So in a few minutes, I tossed the paper. but I will try again, and not do it in pen...

"Time and time again, I've said that I don't care. That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through through. But every time it matters, all my words desert me, so anyone can hurt me, and they do." This is one of my favorite songs that just came on the ipod. It pretty much sums up my dating experiences. But as a friend put it, I'm a romantic... always hoping for someone right. But I made a decision that I would never get calloused from bad love. Or I call it a decision to give myself the illusion that I have any control over it. But I do keep my heart open to possibilities... however jaded I may try to come across as.

So the Steelers won. Nice. It was a decent game. The commercials sucked this year except the one where the guy totally tackles that girl... lol...

Speaking of boys and girls, the two on my flanks are both on my space... as quoted on the ASU computer creed, "...to use these computers for academic purposes..." riiiiight.

Speaking of which, I need to head off to study and class...

bye bye baby

It’s one of those days. I keep safety first prerogative. I think I know you from before. I never trusted you when I began this masquerade. I looked to you as a guiding light in this dark world. I have to find my way back again, I’ll do it on my own. I can make it alone just fine. I gave you love, you just hit me like a truck. I gave you love, to you I was just a fuck.

by myself

Sometimes, when the sky has closed its eyes, I close my eyes before I dream, to dream. I’m 1800 miles away in a quiet land. Freeways and trains are far away and planes never fly overhead. The flora is still and the air holds on to my words and breaths with small, icy fingers. But I am warm in my large overcoat, sweater, t-shirt, and long-johns. This Phoenix boy has thin blood. Daylight lifts me to see the pastures and fields. I have one glove on, fitting over all digits of one hand. My other glove is walking next to me, keeping my palm, fingers, thumb, and soul warm. Eyes reflect tall edifices and molecules. The road stretches out with no end. The destination is not important. I never want this journey to end. But sleep always wins… for now.

como la oja al viento ya no

Not really a ton of bricks, or like something that hit me out of the blue, but more like a steady buildup and then this was the trigger that pushed me over the threshold. I saw an image of me today that made me realize I’m still not where I want to be. I’ve been rather comfortable in my state and as a famous woman said, “I’m afraid to stay.” I’ve been staying too long in this place. I need to move on. I realized that I still have things to prove. I’m not where I want to be. I’m not where I need to be. And I need to make them happen. Much much easier said than done.

Where does love hide? Where does beauty shine? It seems that they are very abstract concepts that, by human nature, we try to define. Does it seem to anyone else that these are emotions that people gave names to in order to describe and communicate how they felt? Which now days it seems that these words are masters and the emotions are subservient to what society has defined them as.

I believe I can love much quicker than what people think is okay. I do however believe that love has many levels for me. Love my mother and my friends, but they are different kinds of love. We should have invented more words for love. I love my mom and amur my friends. Lol…

Dear Beauty,
I think you have entered my life in so many forms as of late. Thank you. I saw a little bird singing on a green tree just today as I took a walk. My friend has gone out of her way to make me feel better about a few situations. A stranger has been writing me beautiful words and despite we have never met, he has lifted my thoughts and spirits. I just came in contact with an old flame from the past. Though we won’t try it again I find that there is friendship now, and we live in two different states.

The night sky is so clear and still, I listen to my breath escaping me to be apart of it. I wish on stars and smile to myself as I did when I was a child. My 7 year old mind truly believed that the star would help me fly, now I know that reaching for the star will do just that. I’m happy.

I also made a decision. I am going to live my life with a man. Every time I date someone, I get scared because I feel deep down I’m hoping to wake from this dream and marry a woman and live how I thought I would my whole life. But I have decided that I’m ready to take that leap and I’m not looking back.

ice sets in

The city lights shine dimly in the darkness. Watching from my window the cars drive by. My breath leaves moisture on the glass. The light from the bathroom is all that illuminates the small space. Everything in the room stands quiet, except the ticking of the clocks. I ponder what the best escape might be, burning up quietly by the window. My reflection stares back at me. I used to dwell in the sun. The moon has become my only friend. I took a leap too soon, there was nothing on the other side. I fell hard twice. Twice the brokens. Twice the water. Twice the faded smile. Twice I learn, twice I forget. I forge an ice from the bellows; iron tough, yet fragile. I forget again to lean on my own.

please clear the area

The crop-dusting airplane has flown low over my neurons, causing a haze to settle over my thoughts. A dónde voy ahora? Busco en cuartos oscuros, explorando los rincones escondidos de mi celebro. Pero ciego ando; botando cosas y papeles. No sé como guardar el corazón del otro. Maybe I should let it go. Maybe I should hold it close. But it burns my hands either way.

El porvenir me confunda. Quiero creer tanto en algunas cosas, pero cuido mi esperaza. Demasiado he confiado en algo que me lastimó en el final. Quiero creer sus palabras. Quiero creer que me quiere tanto como dice. Y dice que somos buenos para el otro. Pero también dice que marchamos lentamente. Y estoy de aquerdo con esto. Dentro mi corazón espero lo mejor para él y para mi.

It's been awhile

I don't know what to write though I was thinking today that I should write. Last night I went out to a bar and had a great time. There were these two guys there, who were partners but they were so much fun. We just talked and danced and all that good stuff. I was out with a couple of my friends. They were the type of guys that I would totally want to invite over to my house for games and dinner and drinks. I also realized last night that I am at the point in my life where I think I would do better in a relationship than the sporadic dating that I've been doing. I just need to find the right guy.

But you gots ta be patient. So patience is something I try to develope and understand. It's never been one of my strong points.

if I was an actor I'd be Marlon Brando

The glamour of the golden age of cinema. Back when actors really could act rather than just stand in front of the camera and look pretty.

Well, that's my opinion anyway. I just watched A Streetcar Named Desire and was blown away by how well it was acted and of course how incredibly hot Marlon Brando was. So I have decided that I need to explore more of his movies to see if I think he was a good actor or not.

But back to today's actors: Yes, Heath Ledger did very well in BBM. I think he should win an oscar for that performance. He was sullen, lost in his confused thoughts most of the time. I yearned to shake him and tell him to wake up and go with his gut reaction. But how often do we hesitate? Sometimes for just minutes, days, months, a lifetime. Carpe Diem. That's a message I walked away with from the movie. It was incredible. I loved it.

I'm still thinking of Brokeback Mountain. I think I'd like to watch it again, and read the story again. I did cry some when I read it. It's very brief and to the point. In a sentence the author sums up immense emotion between these two men. I still think that the way the story was portrayed it could have easily been between a man and a woman... kinda like that one that got away. Or that you didn't know you needed in your life until he/she was gone. Quite possibly Jake's character was willing to chance death or murder rather than shielding his emotions. He wanted to be happy at any cost. But then they say if you set your stakes to high, you're bound to lose. Sad that he just wanted to be happy with the person he loved and for that wound up dead. But then it's also said, "We weren't meant to be, at least not in this life time." They must have been star-crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet. A love so deep that only death could fulfill it; too pure for this world.

What price would we pay to be happy? Do we deny ourselves moments of happiness out of fear or society? I remember when you said that you deny yourself nothing. (Kept in moderation) I think you're on to something. ;)

"A man can tell one thousand lies, I've learned my lesson well. Hope I live to tell the secret I have learned. Until then it will burn inside of me."