No longer do you ask to be excused.
You just leave.
You don't speak of you and me.
The excuses were here before you were.
You don't look at me like you used to.
I need to ask you to let me be.
I need time.
You still hurt here inside.
No one can live with such venom.
You should recognize by now when you have begun to break a heart.
You do is so well.
I hope that you still hope for hope.
But patience has gone to my feet.
I flood myself in unconcious gestures,
painting on my smile. looking without seeing.
Waiting for your absence.
No one can live such a life.
The hope your love gave me I never felt before.
No one can die from this venom,
only slowly go mad.
I need you to just leave,
and please let me be.
You still hurt inside me where you dwell.
You should stop breaking hearts.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
warm
The grey sky fit my stomach. I watched the drops of rain sprinkling from the sky. The world seemed to hold it's breath, watching the few drops of water fall.
I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.
The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.
I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.
The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.
Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.
I put on my coat and walked out into the misty silence. The clouds were low in the sky. No one was out, it was barely light. The first rays of the sun caught this delicate closing to a ferocious night.
The morning was cool, the desert drinking in all the liquid. The rain picked up some but I didn't mind. My mind was in the clouds. Just as quickly as it had started the rain backed off to the light drizzle. The light few stronger and the clouds showed signs of thinning.
I wanted to freeze the world. I wasn't ready for the sunlight. I wasn't ready for my clouds to lift. I broke into a jog, the purpose of this outing. I wasn't ready to let go. So much happened so quickly that I wasn't ready to let it go. I was happy, I was building a life, I was ready to feel something new. But just as quickly as it started, it ended.
The sun broke in thin streams through the clouds. The rain had stopped. I stopped and looked up to the sky. The silence of the world around me enveloped me. It stopped the clamor in my head. I breathed and began to walk, then to jog.
Things were good for me. I knew this was all for the best, all for my better.
Friday, February 13, 2009
It's funny how the past blurs the tears and pain.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.
I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?
Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.
It's funny how I can't remember much of the bad,
the good is what my mind recalls.
All the times I would wait for you to come around.
All the times I waited for you.
I wonder, did you really want to live that way?
Did you want to hurt me?
Why are you running away?
Maybe someday I'll look back and see
you never meant to be cruel.
It's just that someone hurt you too.
I tell myself
It's okay to remember the good times,
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.
Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.
It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.
Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.
It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.
and the bad.
It's okay to remember laughter,
and tears.
It's okay to think of eyes lighting up.
Keep your head held high,
Don't look behind, life isn't fair.
It's okay to run away fast,
but also okay to kiss goodbye.
It's okay to cry when you stumble and fall.
It's okay to cry out in the night.
No more tears, it will be alright.
Fight to be strong, and understand fear is okay too.
It's time to forget the past
and learn to forgive.
Promise to try.
Memories may play games with your mind.
Faded smiles frozen in time.
Hang on, promise to try.
rinse and repeat
Day one. Day one again.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.
Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.
I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.
So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.
I feel like I start over each day.
I box up yesterday.
Store it in a corner,
or throw it out.
Forward is a slow process,
but standing still isn't an option.
I close my eyes and remember the good,
the great of my life.
Why should I feel sad?
For what I never had?
But all that I do have surrounds me, and is abundant.
It is enough. More than enough.
I am blessed.
So day one is here again.
I chose to go on, go on.
Standing still is not an option.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
still here
Heal. I hate that word because it usually means that there's pain involved. My mind is all over the place. I don't know what I feel any more. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm just tired of not being over Matt. He has moved on. Calls me the "ex who still has feelings." He is so over me it's like we never had a past together in his head.
So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.
So now I heal. I need to focus on me. I focus on my life. I went for a run. I will do homework tonight. I will go to bed. Wake up and do a little homework and go to the gym. Then work, come home and do more homework. I need Ryan time. I don't want much contact with him. I need me own space for awhile.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
still, after this much time...
My mind still wanders to Matt and tries to understand what I'm not meant to understand. I still want to know why he let me go. But I know. I want to know why he feels the way he feels, and why he can't feel the way I want him to. I want him to like me still.
But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.
It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.
There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.
The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.
His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.
So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.
But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.
It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.
There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.
The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.
His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.
So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Still Trying to put it in the Past
I stumble under the weight.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.
But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?
I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.
Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.
I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?
I'll get it all figured out it time.
I try to put it in the past.
But I keep holding on to this illusion.
I'm not ready to try and live without you.
But I'm tired of feeling this pain,
What good does it do me now?
I want to let go, no longer slip into your memory.
I want to fly away and feel the sun on my face.
But all I can feel is the shadow of your absence.
I guess I need more time to figure it out.
Part of me still beleives that you'll come back.
Part of me still believes that we will work it out.
Part of me wants to cry out for your return.
But I need to say goodbye to you, as my lover, forever.
I'm tired of feeling this pain,
what good does it do me now?
I'll get it all figured out it time.
Monday, February 02, 2009
So now I learn to let go of our relationship, let go of the good times and bad times we shared as lovers, but I tell myself to look forward to the friendship we can now build... funny that I got my wish of being able to still be in his life as a friend. I'm happy and should be glad, as it could have been much worse. I might have never had the chance to try and love him, and I wouldn't have known his worth, and how beautiful he is both inside and out. And I learned more about my worth.
I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.
I know there's someone out there waiting for me... be it someone new, or a new Matt who has learned about himself, progressed, and can now give himself to a relationship, I don't know. But I know that everything happens for a reason and I will go forward with faith.
raw words expressing raw emotions
M and I had lunch yesterday. I told him that I still wasn't over him and wasn't ready for things to end. I also told him that I understand though that they need to be over, or we cannot be romantically linked right now. I told him that I understand that friends is best for where he and I are at in out lives.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.
So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.
So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.
It still hurts to think of him as just a friend when I was wanting so much more. And I still do. But with time the pain will wane and eventually go away.
He opened up that he isn't happy with where he is in life right now. He still needs to get over his ex, he needs to get his life in order.
I said that I will be there to help out, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with. I miss my Matty but I know that this is for the better, despite the pain I feel right now. I am prepared to make that sacrifice to be his friend.
So I need to say goodbye to Matty my lover, say thank you for the good times and the bad because I learned from there. But still say goodbye to the past. Bye Matt, I will miss you as my lover, but I look forward to building a good, healthy friendship with you.
So I say goodbye, lower my head and close my eyes. And I open them and look up to see you still there, as a friend in my life. Thank you Matty.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thoughts about where I am
I don't think I want to do anything this Friday night with anyone. I feel like I should do some homework and then go to bed. I'm tired. I have had a productive day as far as house tasks, but have done no homework yet. I need to get to that.
But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.
I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.
I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.
But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.
I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.
I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I want to just put the past behind me. I've learned from it and that is its purpose. I want to move on, leaving the pain, the anger, the sadness, I want to leave it all behind me and keep my focus on the road ahead.
Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.
I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.
Since he and I ended, I no longer take sleeping aides. I get up early again. I am going to the gym and eating more healthy. I remember that I forget myself in a relationship and need to work on my self-esteem. I have been studying a lot more for classes. I have become closer with my family, I have recognized the importance of good friends in my life.
I am happy. I still feel sad, anger, but much much less, and soon I will be over it and ready to move on, and be myself again.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Not just for Gemini
Before she died at the age of 101, photographer Ruth Bernhard attributed her longevity to her restlessness. "Never get used to anything," she advised.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.
I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded.
To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.
ready for enough
Quiet in the morning.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.
That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.
Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.
I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.
This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.
The window with just a faint glow, just enough light.
The early of day surrounds my senses.
That faint knot in my stomach stretches and yawns.
I get out of bed and to my tasks.
Plan the day, today is a day.
Ready for change, ready for life.
Scared of myself, scared of the empty,
but tired and ready to accept incomplete.
I can't sit still any longer.
The knot in my stomach,
the knot of my past,
will be let go.
This is a day.
I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I take this day.
Not yet looking forward,
and tired of the past,
today is my day.
Monday, January 26, 2009
wishing I wasn't so affected
The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.
Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.
I lay down my torch.
I lay down my sword.
I lay down my shield.
I lay down my heart.
I lay down my abandonment.
I lay down my breath.
I lay down my thoughts.
I lay down.
Five story fire. What a game we played.
What a mess we made.
What a fool I was.
What a mess I was.
A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.
A new start, but remembering the past
As Madonna says, "Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began... and I'll remember the way that you changed me..."
I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.
But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.
But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.
It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.
I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.
So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.
So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.
Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.
I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.
But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.
But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.
It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.
I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.
So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.
So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.
Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.
Monday, December 15, 2008
I am special too
I jump in.
No, stand back.
Take it slowly.
Take your time.
You've gone too far
too soon.
Take a step back while there
is still time.
You found someone beautiful.
Someone who makes you
feel beautiful.
But take back your heart.
It's too early to hand out.
Don't play the fool.
Again.
You are still special.
You are already whole.
You have your own life.
You fight for your own way.
You have shown that you
can make it alone.
Life will never be complete,
that's the best part.
Always changing,
always evolving.
Let go of illusions.
Stay with the truth.
Remember who you are.
I am still special.
I am me, and I am loved.
No, stand back.
Take it slowly.
Take your time.
You've gone too far
too soon.
Take a step back while there
is still time.
You found someone beautiful.
Someone who makes you
feel beautiful.
But take back your heart.
It's too early to hand out.
Don't play the fool.
Again.
You are still special.
You are already whole.
You have your own life.
You fight for your own way.
You have shown that you
can make it alone.
Life will never be complete,
that's the best part.
Always changing,
always evolving.
Let go of illusions.
Stay with the truth.
Remember who you are.
I am still special.
I am me, and I am loved.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Just breathe
Wow, stress to the maximum is how I feel: finals, new relationship, being sick. I don't like it.
I am already terrible at relationships so I'm trying really hard to chill with this one and just keep it chill. Especially since it's just been a few weeks. But exacerbated with finals and being sick, I feel like the end is very near, and inevitable... ugh.
Breathe, breathe, breathe, xanax... lol
I am already terrible at relationships so I'm trying really hard to chill with this one and just keep it chill. Especially since it's just been a few weeks. But exacerbated with finals and being sick, I feel like the end is very near, and inevitable... ugh.
Breathe, breathe, breathe, xanax... lol
Friday, December 05, 2008
Still good advice...
I still remember a friend telling me to not be the victim. So I'm not going to fall into that trap again. I won't be the victim when it comes to this relationship. He seems to be perfect: met through good, mutual friends, we share similar interests, we are attracted to each other, I love his personality, I can listen to him talk - he keeps my interest... just so happy with him.
But with it come the fears of the unknown and uncertainties... but just have fun with it, keep from getting too involved too quickly, and of course when something doesn't work out the way I want, I will not be the victim but rather I will be a part in adjusting, fixing, and working to keep this good thing good. ;)
But with it come the fears of the unknown and uncertainties... but just have fun with it, keep from getting too involved too quickly, and of course when something doesn't work out the way I want, I will not be the victim but rather I will be a part in adjusting, fixing, and working to keep this good thing good. ;)
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