I Am A (gay) Child Of God

Last night I couldn't sleep. Every time I would close my eyes, I felt as if time was nothing but grains of sand slipping through my fingers at a rapid pace. And my open eyes would cease the velocity of the grains. What clichéd imagery. But it didn't calm my panicked mind. Did I do all that I could? Did I set a few wrongs right? Did I offend someone that I need to apologize to? When was the last time I told my mother I loved her? When was the last time I felt love for someone?

Sometimes I feel like this notion of being gay is just a game. And sooner or later I'm going to wake up and live the "normal" life I, as a child, thought I would. Am I really happy living this way? What is happiness? How will I know I'm happy if I never know I'm unhappy? What is real joy?

I have the Mormon answer. I don't ever wish to not have grown up Mormon. Contrary to what others may believe or think, I feel as if that gave me an edge that others may not have, or not know how to utilize. I think it's there, I think it's there in everyone. A divinity. A portion of heaven that everyone carries in their soul. And everyone has access to it. It's just a question of faith.
I remember being a missionary. I knew then. Why? One might ask, if I knew it was right then, is it still not right now? Is it still true? I think so. I like to believe so now.

I don't believe in a hell. I believe that God loves us too much. I don't believe that all the non-Christians are going to hell. How can they be held responsible for something they never knew they needed to know? I believe God's plan of salvation is much more infinite than any person here on earth can comprehend.

Where does homosexuality fit into all of this? I don't know. I don't have an answer for that nor do I readily accept any of the answers out there. I want to find one that I feel I can live with for the rest of eternity. And I am still searching.