Voy

I should wear black. I'm mourning right now. Only I don't know why. Maybe it's me. I'm not who I used to be. And I'm not sure I know who I am right now. I think I have an idea. But deep down I know that this isn't me.

Recently a close friend wrote me a letter out of the blue. I had been trying to push her away gently, along with that circle of friends. I no longer cared to associate with them. Here's what she wrote:

"Ryan, I really do hope you are doing well and happy. I know that you like to experience life - usually in a direction that I'm not familiar with - but I hope you don't ever get too caught up in all of that. I know great things are in your path if you decide to pick up the responsibility (but I don't say a word, not one word). And as much as I love your playful banter and laugh, sometimes I feel like part of you is missing. I do hope you are happy and close to the Lord and that you remember what is truly important to you. I hope you are praying for strength."

I know the Ryan she is writing to. I used to be him. But that Ryan doesn't exist anymore. I used to think that I would keep him in my back pocket and assume the identity when needed. But I guess even a Gemini cannot play duel roles for very long. I feel I almost don't know how to be that person any more. And we're not talking about progression. We're talking that I have gone a different direction than what I, just four years ago, ever thought I'd take.

I cannot deny what I know. I also cannot deny what I feel. A battleground of sorts. Fighting for happiness, for joy I suppose. Where do I go from here? I remember what joy is. At least I think I do.