Bitter - Sweet

My heart is very heavy right now because the boy is no longer mine. We are just friends now. He will someday belong to someone else. And someday I will too.

I forgot how much I like the light

So I think that I'm over the boy.

Today I was able to listen to "our" song without tearing up. I'm happy. I really am happy today.

He and I are getting together Sunday to work out the aftermath of the whole ordeal, we have decided to remain friends, because we do get along well until emotions get involved. But just after I meet him, I have a date with a new guy... I'm just looking forward to the future.

I'm traveling down my own road, watching the signs as I go, I think I'll follow my heart, it's a good place to start. I'm no longer traveling with you watching the signs as I go, I've chosen to follow the sun... Quicker than a ray of light I'm gone boy, for someone else will be there through the endless years.....

I'll get over

I still feel a twinge of pain in my heart when I hear a Cher song.
I still have an image of you in my mind when I see someone with a goatee.
I still think of you just before I go to bed, and the phone call you promised to make, but I know will never come.
I still remember our first kiss.
I still think that I will get stronger from this, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier right now.
You still occupy a portion of me, and everyday I push you out a little more.

I'll get over you.

And then seeing you out with your new love will be a pleasant surprise, I will feel no remorse or pain.

But I still and always will hold a special place in my heart for you.

pain

If I were to depart, chasing foolish ambitions in distant lands, would my absence cause a small pain in your heart?
When the snow blew cold over the land, and I see my solitary reflection in the mirror, will you shed a tear in my memory?
After weathering a long, brutal storm alone, could you look me in the eye and tell me that you are happy?

I'm lost,
I'm torn,
But I go on,
I go on.

I've tried to melt your heart. You've turned cold inside, resisting any emotion I may show for you. I'm at a loss, I'm at a crossroads. Like cold butterfly wings, my hopes crumble under the weight of your absence and indifference.

therapy over coffee

My friend D has all the answers it seems. Or not the answers, but helps me to see things from a different perspective. And she has been my sanity lately. She told me straight up that I think too much into things and just need to enjoy what I have.

Nobody can see the future. If this doesn't work out for me, then that's life. Relationships begin and end everyday.

But what if he's already bored of me? What if I'm just not what he's looking for?

Lately I feel that I have totally been off my game. And not dating, just I'm not me these days. But I am out to return to me.

He has been good to start me thinking about changes that I've been needing to make, but never seem to come around to doing. Enough vulgar language, enough being lazy. I need to put my life together where I can be happy with it. And isn't that what it's about? Being happy with your life?

I'm traveling down this road watching the signs as I go, I need to follow my heart, and keep the sun in my perspective.

Let Go

My stomach is all tied up in knots. I'm trying to let him go. I'm trying to trust him. I'm trying to learn how to be in a relationship. I'm scared of commitment. Once I commit to someone, they then have the power to hurt me. I don't give that power to anyone. But I need to give it away in order to be in a relationship. I can't be suspect all the time. It would drive me insane. If he wants to hang around on his own accord, then I learn more about him.

Tonight I've wanted to go to an art walk where local artists open their galleries and exhibit and one can purchase if wanted. He wasn't very excited about it in the first place, but agreed to come. But now it's raining downtown. So he emailed me that is was raining and asked what the plan was then. I made a suggestion and also opened it up to suggestions.

If he didn't want to be with me, why would he have already invested so much time in me? I've been single all my life. I can survive that way. I would love to try and share something with him, and try I will.

That is why I'm letting him go. If he stays by his own will, then as I said, I learn about him.

I have to play these mental games with myself right now.

And he has made no indication that he is going any where, and has actually been very much the opposite. I'm just that insecure.

funky

I don't like it when I regress to a person I used to be, or at least demons that I have been fighting for a very long time, resurfaced in a vengance lately. I know what sparked it, just why I can't say. Wish I understood my psyche better. It's scary and hard to go on. Curling into a small ball and closing my eyes sometimes would feel better... but then everyone has their trials.

music

Music makes the people come together.