My disposition is a complex one at this time. I want to make life all that I have always wanted it to be. Usually that meant to fill it full of wonderful things and people.
But I find that now I'm seeing that I want to cut a lot of things out of my life. Things that I just don't think really make me happy. Things and people that sap my energy. I think that I have already been heading in that direction some.
I feel bad about it too.
I used to be such the guy to get the groups together. But lately I'm finding that I prefer the company of really close friends. I don't want to babysit anymore.
I'm still wondering what to do for my birthday. I think that going out will be what I do. But I'm not going to call all the people. Rather just a few people.
As my friend said, sometimes I feel like this is just a game of pick-up-stix, being played by fucking lunatics. I would be that lunatic. Am I making the right choices? What if so-and-so doesn't like me anymore? I never call anymore. But I'm tired of hearing the same old shit. Does that make me a bad person? A bad friend? I listened for as long as I could and it never seemed to change.
Why this sudden urge to simplify? I don't understand my disposition right now. I'm completely happy to go to work, do schoolwork, and go to the gym. Go out once in awhile. Am I getting older?
I guess I can only do what I think is right at the time, and try and learn when I make mistakes.
My heart continues to be a lonely hunter.
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