Push the Button, Don't Push the Button, Trip the Station, Change the Channel

Just the other day I was remembering how I would feel inferior at bars, or the watering holes of some of the Phoenix fags. I would walk into a bar and thought that everybody was thinking that I was a wretched mess that wandered off the street. Now I have to laugh, I've learned that everyone is too caught up on themselves and other things they can't see clearly to even bother with thinking about me. And also quite frankly, I just don't care so much these days.

I'm over the flashing lights and painted faces. I'm over the chiseled abs and the prada shoes.

I guess you could say I have found other things in life that mean so much more to me than the acceptance of perfect strangers. Things that make me happy.

And I don't try and make everyone happy anymore. I'm happier that way. I'm still in the process of hanging my social cooridnator hat up, but I don't wear it so much anymore at all. I'm done calling everyone to invite out. I have plans and I'm content to just carry it out with the people with whom I make the initial plans. I just don't feel like I need to invite everyone I know to come. I've noticed that the people that I seemed to always invite along I don't hear from so much anymore. I guess they waited for me to plan. I'm not upset or spiteful. They would be more than welcome to come along, I'm just over the guest list thing.

This whole thought process has spawned from birthday celebration thoughts. I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've never been one to sit around and wait for someone to plan it for me. Mom did that when I was seven. I'm turning 25. I can plan my own celebration, and just because someone didn't plan it for me or do a surprise something or other means nothing to me. I'm sure I'll come up with something and let people know about it.

And the more I think about it, the more I am content to not do a huge thing, but small. Just go out with a couple friends to a bar and enjoy the night in good company. I think dinner at My Florist sounds nice. But that will be small. I just don't want to deal with the huge crowd. Maybe lunch on Sunday, but I want the piano player there... hmmmm

I guess I had always thought I would ring in the 25th year with a bang. But I find I'm content to just enjoy a simpler atmosphere, yet deeper in meaning. Quality over quantity. Maybe that's a sign of me growing up.