Small Talk With Myself

Up is a place I no longer allow my hopes to be.

I've been on this rollercoaster long enough to know that the highs make the lows worth it all.
But I don't want to feel anything right now. I'm happy just being on the plateau in the middle.

I've felt rather invisible for weeks now. I'm realizing that I don't mind it. I am very safe to assume that all interests and gazes fall past me. "Maybe it's time for me to pack it in, maybe it's time for me to track it in." I was accepting of it all.

And then someone had to come along that I was sure would be like the others (after a few sentences from my mouth I would lose color, then outline, then my voice would be a static in the background). But I'm confused. This person still seems to be around. It's only been two days. But that's one day, 23 hours, and 45 minutes longer than most people look in my direction, let alone pay attention.

I'm not trying to be pitiful. I don't want that. I understand fully that this is just how things are. I am simply not a lot of people's cup of tea. That's life!

So content was I to just concentrait on my school work and spend time with friends. I don't need an interest. I still smile to myself thinking that he could feel anything, for me. C says he does. But C, I still can't help but think this is just another one who sees through me to get to you. Or he's only been in town for a few days. Friends are what he needs here. I'm his friend. I play the part of the friend so well. I don't want to take on any new roles now. I just want school to end and pass all my classes. I want to visit my family next weekend. I want to go to summer school and go to the gym. I want to work overtime. I like my invisible existence.

But I'm not worried. "I don't expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself that my dreams will come true." So this too shall pass.

But between me and the internet, I think about him from time to time. I wonder what he's doing. I like to think that I'm in a queue for a few thoughts if his. I tell myself he's not my style. But every now and then I catch him out of the corner of my eye and think what an attractive man he is. My heart feels warm when I think about him now and again. Despite my judgement, I have wanted to kiss him twice. But I don't. I don't want him thinking I might could like him. I don't want to deal with that right now. Imogen, Andy and I have kept company well enough lately. I hope he calls me.

I've never hesitated before. He's univited.