I feel like I need to run. Run far away from here. So lately I’ve been feeling like I need to get a million things done yesterday. And yesterday I was productive. I think what I’m all upset about is that I don’t have a porn star body despite the fact I’ve been going to the gym for 2 days straight now. ;) Also I have 2 HUGE tests that I need to study for.
But seriously. I’m not one for patience. But this is another of life’s lessons to teach me that virtue.
I’m worried about when N comes into town. From his emails and phone calls, he seems a bit egotistical. I hope not. He professes to be humble, but that should be a red flag obscuring the pretty view right away.
I’m back to feeling like I need to run. Run fast and far.
I’m lost in space. I need a place I can return to. Some days it seems everything fails. I just can’t win. It’s just one disappointment after another. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never measure up. Sigh. This is when I tell myself it’ll all be okay. But how do you get over the feeling and fear that you are incapable of ever being truly loved? I always suspect that everyone is using me, but for what? What do I have to offer? The only thing I can surmise is that I’m used for the other people I know.
Low self esteem, I know. I’ve heard it before.
Today I had to fight the urge to drop a friend completely. But this particular person I feel doesn’t really like me and could live just fine if I weren’t there. But then that’s how I feel about a lot of people.
“Why do you love me? Why do you love me? Why do you love me? It’s driving me crazy.”
“I wish I had a metal heart, I could cross the line. I wish I was half as good as you think I am.”
But I’m not gonna crack, no I’m never gonna crack, I’m running my baby, I’m running.
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