I've really tried, however unsuccessful, to keep from whining on this blog. But today I just want to send all my worries out there. I need to get them off my chest and this is the only place I thought I could express them all.
Firstly, I have to write an organic chemistry lab paper tonight. It was my own fault for waiting until the last minute but it's nonetheless nerve-wracking. I hate writing lab reports. There is always SOMETHING that I failed to mention. I have yet to hear of anyone writing a perfect lab report first time through. I'll bet that's why you always get a bad grade. Because the TA who is grading it is pissed off at the professor for picking his report apart who is upset at his colleagues for being so critical of his thesis 20 years ago. It's a vicious cycle.
The next item of business is my friends. It seems we have drifted apart. While I have enjoyed the time away from them, getting to know new people and explore different facets of my life, it seems that they are gone for good. They have formed a little clique and I'm not apart of it. I've done ugly things to one especially. And so I cannot feel the victim at all in his case. But another seems to be playing along with him. I want to feel mad at them, I want to scream and holler at them, but I can't. I respect one enough to just let them go. If they feel that is better, then I won't stand in their way. I guess I'll have to move on.
Course I have enjoyed being back to just me. It's something I know well. And I like being a drifter, floating from person to group depending on my mood at the time. But I'll admit it was nice to have a home team too.
The third is I found out why I was suddenly dropped by one for whom I cared deeply. He was dating me and another at the same time. I understand that and do it myself. But I don't go telling someone that I really like the direction we are going in and that I like him and I can't wait to see him again and then NOT CALL EVER AGAIN. I usually tell him that it's just not going to work out.
But I found out that my competition was a 37-year-old guy. I'm sure he is out of school, has a steady job. Probably even a dog. The guy I fell for was 43. I know, I know. It's good in the long run, but right now my heart is heavy. It's not sad anymore because I found out I was too young, I have a reason to hang on to. And I can accept that. I just wish that we could have spent a little more time together. I knew he and I weren't going to last, but I feel like my five-day ticket to Disneyland expired two days early.
I'm also stressing about moving. More so that with school and the advancement of technology most of my classes are heavily dependent on internet access, and high-speed access at that. It's going to be an investment to get internet. And I don't feel like making that expense right now. Sigh.
Thankfully things with the parents are going really well and I spent the evening with my sister Saturday. It was nice to connect with her again.
I'm currently corresponding with some nice people over the internet, on which we met. I'm not holding my breath in the least. I think this is one of the few times I'm content to let it be emails. But between me and the internet, one of them I'm increasingly interested in. He's not what I would normally consider my type, he's cute. But his personality is really winning me over. I think I would love to meet up with him and get lost in a conversation over coffee. That sounds nice.
Oh and I'm talking to another older guy. 45. ;) I don't base them on age, it just happens. He's nice. And he's a radiologist, and he is related to the head coach of an NFL team. He's wealthy. Too bad I'm not a gold digger. I paid for the last dinner out, and I really know that if I didn't feel something strong for someone, I couldn't live a lie. But I'd be lying if I said I would at least consider should he invite me to Europe someday. ;) He is interesting. We're still just talking, but I can't help but feel he's in a sense looking for a trophy wife. I know I don't fit any trophy category at all, which makes me think that I should just ride out this roller coaster because it will end here pretty quickly. Whether by him finding someone cuter or me telling him I want love and companionship and not money.
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