Ugh

So I think I'm coming down with something, but I'm going to try and nip it in the bud before it develops into something really ugly. It's def a Nyquil night!

i'm also really bad at taking things slowly. So no call or text for the whole day and I'm freaking out that he no longer even remembers I exist. But my coworker told me to "STOP FREAKING OUT!" she said that we're taking it slowly and that slowly means a day or even a few without talking. But I have tomorrow night off and I wanted to call and see if he'd be up for something. She said that is acceptable. But no calling to just chit chat, I can only call if I have a plan in mind. This is totally a lesson I'm learning that I NEED to learn.

I also figured that I'm probably a bit neurotic. I really think my reality, especially concerning myself is warped some. I remember that when I was a kid I would tell myself that nobody would ever love me, and I guess that's a part of my really bad self-esteem and self image. I finally believed myself. Why did I do that as a kid and adolescent? I guess I've hated myself for being gay for a very long time now. When I was in denial I really hated myself. I knew I was different and that's why there was hate. But I'm getting better. But it doesn't make things any easier now. but I think that I'm far along enough to tell myself to sit back and relax that things will be okay, I'm learning patience. And I've noticed that it's my clingy nature that has driven a lot of beaus away in the past...

Breathe...