10 mins typing unedited

Dear S,

I need to tell you what is on my mind. I’m in a very volatile state right now. At least my emotions are. I am trying to deal with my best friend essentially breaking up with me. We were joined at the hip, and well, now I haven’t spoken to him in about two months. We had plans to go to LA for Halloween that were in the works since the 4th of July and so I’m trying to cope with that. I know that I won’t make up excuses to stay at home and not go out into the world that I feel has it in for me.
But I will tell you that I don’t feel capable to try and be anything more than friends with you. You are a great guy, and I have really enjoyed the past times we have shared. But I feel I cannot try and date someone right now. I worry that you don’t like me, I’m scared that you’re going to hurt me. I don’t trust you. I am suspicious as to why you say we’ll hand out and then I don’t hear from you until I call. Right now in my heart… I don’t know what my heart feels. That was the point of this letter: to get to the basis of my heart’s feelings. Right now I enjoy the attention from you. But my heart has not let you in. Even a little bit. It’s my head that is upset. I am feeling that I’m going to be rejected yet again by someone I care for. We are too different. I think that you are seeing other people, and I am just an angry bitch right now. A confused, angry bitch.
I wish that things would work out, but I just don’t want to take that chance right now. I need to concentrate on my school work. Until I am able to perform well in my classes and do well in work, then I’ll be able to begin to seek out other of my heart’s desires. Until then, I must only offer friendship to you. We can only be just friends. A good friend you will be. I know that I do not occupy any real place in your heart and therefore I only ask friends.

PS. I’m not stupid, and not going to be so. You are just like K, and J. I am silly AGAIN. But I leave. I leave. My time will come.