I used to have a day dream, or even a fantasy. It was set to ATB’s “I wanna cry” Every time I would hear that song, I would imagine me and my partner speeding along in the mountains just out side of San Diego at night, going home after visiting the family in AZ. It was quiet in the cab, I’m in the passenger’s seat with my hand on his leg and he has both hands on the steering wheel, speeding around the corners that the head lights illuminate. There is a tension in the cab as he drives, we both are anxious to get home and we are on the final stretch before entering the metropolitan area. There is a trust that he will get us there safe and sound, and a quiet understood love between us. It’s a nice picture. It represents the life I have with him. We love and trust each other. We are happy and content. While things are not perfect (I wish he wouldn’t go so fast) in our relationship, we work them out. I am there for him as he is for me.’
But lately I have found that this same scenario when played in my head to the song generally consists of me alone in the car with sleeping dogs (do dogs sleep in cars?) on the seat next to me. I’m still anxious to get home to SD but home alone I go. There is no one else. I worry just a little bit. I cannot trust people. I feel that they are going to hurt me, well, deliberately hurt me in the end. So I find it’s better to be alone and not go from relationship to relationship. I just can’t do that.
Am I it, or could you get more? It seems that guys are always looking for a better thing. I wonder if the time they spent and invested with someone will ever mean anything. Sure I may not be the most beautiful or the smartest or wealthiest, but I’m willing to give love a shot with you. I’m willing to put myself out there, and hope you are too. Does that count for anything? Sometimes I feel it doesn’t and never will.
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