laugh to keep from crying

I've kept a lot bottled up inside of me. I never realized I was doing this until my sister said tonight on the phone, "Ryan, you've been out of work for a week and just now you are telling me." My feeble reply was that I didn't want to burden people with my mess.
So yeah. I was fired. For "excessive internet usage." I think the details are a bit sketchy since I kept an email browser open and would read blogs intermittently throughout the day and so did quite a few other people, but I was let go. Oh well, it's in the past. C'est la vie.

Then I blew up at the guy I'm seeing. I spilled that I felt I was doing all the work in the relationship and he was planning on bailing out on me. He said I sounded like I'm stressed. Well, he's right. There is so much I'm longing to tell any willing ear. But nothing new that I haven't filled the ears already of both my mom and dad, good friends, and the more-than-a-friend.

I was scared to say what I'm feeling. I'm frightened that he will slip away. The one major hang up that I always have to deal with and in the end usually costs me everything is that I truly believe that I'm not worth loving. So I can't comprehend that anyone would stick around me for me. With time they will realize there isn't much to me and get bored and leave. Insecure. I know.

But I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. So I try and keep my mouth shut.

As far as the job, it was a blessing in disguise. I'm going to take out a loan and go to school more than full time. I'm going to end strong and graduate. I need to get into a pharmacy school, graduate and then deal with bills and the color of couch pillows.

So right now I do laugh to keep from crying.

Joining the Clouds

The breeze felt nice tonight as I walked to deliver the rent check. There were people out with their families going to the car or walking their dogs to let them do their dooty.

I've gone through a lot in the past 24 hours. Something that cut me to the quick. But I made it through. I told a lot of people that I can't cry over spilt milk, but rather look ahead with a fighting spirit in my soul. There's still a large amount of uncertainty and I do what I can to wade through that.

I think this blog is a diary blog of sorts. It is what it is. All too much I've heard that expression. But it seems now that I'm wrapping my neurons around it. I'm still befuddled that so many people read this thing on a daily basis. I think 20 - 30 stop by a day. That's plenty for my small tastes. I like to read blogs and hope that I can provide something beneficial for those who read; be it a chuckle that this guy is crazy... ;)