laugh to keep from crying

I've kept a lot bottled up inside of me. I never realized I was doing this until my sister said tonight on the phone, "Ryan, you've been out of work for a week and just now you are telling me." My feeble reply was that I didn't want to burden people with my mess.
So yeah. I was fired. For "excessive internet usage." I think the details are a bit sketchy since I kept an email browser open and would read blogs intermittently throughout the day and so did quite a few other people, but I was let go. Oh well, it's in the past. C'est la vie.

Then I blew up at the guy I'm seeing. I spilled that I felt I was doing all the work in the relationship and he was planning on bailing out on me. He said I sounded like I'm stressed. Well, he's right. There is so much I'm longing to tell any willing ear. But nothing new that I haven't filled the ears already of both my mom and dad, good friends, and the more-than-a-friend.

I was scared to say what I'm feeling. I'm frightened that he will slip away. The one major hang up that I always have to deal with and in the end usually costs me everything is that I truly believe that I'm not worth loving. So I can't comprehend that anyone would stick around me for me. With time they will realize there isn't much to me and get bored and leave. Insecure. I know.

But I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. So I try and keep my mouth shut.

As far as the job, it was a blessing in disguise. I'm going to take out a loan and go to school more than full time. I'm going to end strong and graduate. I need to get into a pharmacy school, graduate and then deal with bills and the color of couch pillows.

So right now I do laugh to keep from crying.