Cappuccino: it is what it is

My friend got me an espresso maker for my birthday. Wow. It was amazing getting that. He told me that he knows I will appreciate it and it's a gift. Nothing is expected in return. I'm not ready for a committment or even to try and date someone. We are what we are.

I saw an ex-friend last night. It hurt. The whole time we were talking I was remembering the friendship we had. I don't know exactly what I did to drive him away, but I know that I am not wholly innocent. But in the midst of talking I realized that he was over and done with it. He held no grudges, yet had no desire to ever become friends again. It hurt. We are what we are.

I will have to do some fancy dance work at school to correct my mistakes but there is a light of hope over my head. I have hit the bottom. But life will be okay. I will make it what it is.

methinks I saw an illusion

The place was Melorse Ave. I was waiting for my friend to come out of Urth Cafe with his drink. The sky was cloudy, the day was perfect. Especially to a phoenician.
A saw a guy approaching. At my first glance I thought that here comes another perfect LA guy. Since I didn't have much else to do, I watched his approach under the cover of my sunglasses.

But as he came nearer I felt drawn to him. I looked in his eyes and saw his soul. I knew that I could love him. I knew that we were meant to be.

He kept walking. But I stopped breathing. I had never been affected by someone on the street like that. No words exchanged. He held my eyes with his for seconds. The world slowed down and all others and even the street and sidewalk disappeared. Then it was over. I was back in life.

I'd never try to find him, I didn't want to chase after him on the street. The energy we shared was as it was supposed to be. He was a beautiful man, and the illusion I lived in for a few moments was beautiful as well.

catch up

I saw Madonna open in LA. She was amazing. I can't wait to see her again here in Phx.

Yesterday I turend 26. Went to dinner with close friends last night and had a good time.

Have decided that I'm going to try and not be so pessimistic about life and love. But I'm also not going to be stupid any more either.

Co-Dependant

A new word, only because I feel it might apply to me. A lot.

Do I validate myself on the admiration of others? Am I threatened when there is someone with bigger arms and a more narrow waist getting more attention than me? Do I surround myself with people who will make me feel fabulous?

I don't know, but I'm afraid that I think so.

What do I do? I think I will start by just being alone, then hopefully I'll transition into being just me. Secure. I'll have to gain strength.

I'll be a process. wow.