Last night the electricity went out. Luckily I had already made plans to go to dinner with a friend. Course I was his last resort since all his other friends had already made plans. But since I couldn't write the report, there was no point in staying at home. Dinner, ice cream, and then a drag show at a bar downtown. We saw some people there, some he was just getting to know and the same ones, I have known for quite sometime and acutally used to hang out with.
Just how quickly do I let friends go? Or do I get bored of people and move on? Maybe I'm looking for something and still haven't found it.
What do I enjoy in friends? I love to have conversations. Last night Na and I had a wonderful conversation during dinner. There was no real depth to it, no arguing, it was just very enjoyable talking about the shootings going around, about a cute guy in the resaurante, about our food, about a bazillion other things. He even commented that it was a conversation like we had on the first night we met. Maybe our friendship is like a sine curve, and the reason we get along so well is becuase we started at the peak or maximum of the curve, and have cycled through to the peak again.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
interesting
Jeannette Wall's The Scoop column on MSNBC.com has picked up on the 'Madonna radio boycott' story that Billboard reported last week:
Singer’s fans have organized a petition demanding justice for Material Girl. Is Madonna the subject of a Dixie Chicks-like boycott? Songs from the Material Girl’s latest album, 'Confessions on a Dance Floor,' have been hits around the world, but hasn’t fared as well in the U.S. Some fans are alleging that radio stations owned by Clear Channel - a company with strong ties to the Republican party - are refusing to play her music because of the pop star’s comments blasting George Bush and the war in Iraq. Madonna has been an outspoken critic of the war and during her current 'Confessions' concert tour, makes obscene comments about President Bush. Clear Channel stations were said to be key in keeping the Dixie Chicks’ music off the air after one of them made highly publicized comments about being 'embarrassed' to be from the same state as George Bush. Nearly 5,000 Madonna fans have signed a petition that’s being sent to Clear Channel head Mark P. Mays, accusing the company of keeping the singer off the radio airwaves. 'The evidence that there is a boycott from American Radio is too obvious for words....Madonna rules the planet, EXCEPT for the USA,' according to the petition writer, who went on to note that Madonna holds the two top positions in the United World Chart, but a number of petition signers report that when they request Madonna’s music, they’re told by Clear Channel-owned stations she’s too old or not popular enough. A spokesman for Clear Channel told the Scoop he had no comment on the alleged boycott. 'It's not to say we won't have comment in the future - just not right now,' he said.
Singer’s fans have organized a petition demanding justice for Material Girl. Is Madonna the subject of a Dixie Chicks-like boycott? Songs from the Material Girl’s latest album, 'Confessions on a Dance Floor,' have been hits around the world, but hasn’t fared as well in the U.S. Some fans are alleging that radio stations owned by Clear Channel - a company with strong ties to the Republican party - are refusing to play her music because of the pop star’s comments blasting George Bush and the war in Iraq. Madonna has been an outspoken critic of the war and during her current 'Confessions' concert tour, makes obscene comments about President Bush. Clear Channel stations were said to be key in keeping the Dixie Chicks’ music off the air after one of them made highly publicized comments about being 'embarrassed' to be from the same state as George Bush. Nearly 5,000 Madonna fans have signed a petition that’s being sent to Clear Channel head Mark P. Mays, accusing the company of keeping the singer off the radio airwaves. 'The evidence that there is a boycott from American Radio is too obvious for words....Madonna rules the planet, EXCEPT for the USA,' according to the petition writer, who went on to note that Madonna holds the two top positions in the United World Chart, but a number of petition signers report that when they request Madonna’s music, they’re told by Clear Channel-owned stations she’s too old or not popular enough. A spokesman for Clear Channel told the Scoop he had no comment on the alleged boycott. 'It's not to say we won't have comment in the future - just not right now,' he said.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I hope it rains
The sky is overcast. But it's still 100+ degrees out there. I want it to rain. I'm almost ready to just drive to a city where it will rain. I want to sit in a cafe near a window so I can watch it. Or rent a room for the night and let the curtains be my shroud.
Sometimes, I remember. And the small hole in my heart, the one I am trying so hard to patch up, opens wide and takes me in.
That is why I want it to rain.
Sometimes, I remember. And the small hole in my heart, the one I am trying so hard to patch up, opens wide and takes me in.
That is why I want it to rain.
I went far too long, far too intense when I was younger. I forgot about me, and lost me. I know where I stand now, but it's very easy to slip back into yesteryear. But I have learned to not look back, but press forward. That is the only way I know to move on. I also have to move on despite where I would like to stay.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
up and coming
The song going through my head, and the song playing on the stereo is "Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap.
The lyrics that run from neuron to neuron are "...it's just textbook stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up..."
I always wanted other people so listen to her quiet wisdom, and then I realized that they applied to me. I'm still sumbling and fumbling about in my heart-brain connection. I'm trying to get things in order and it's not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to be.
But safety first, don't push please, what's the hurry?
Slowly my feet are returning to the ground after they were temporarily unglued from the cement, and I was able to escape and fly for a time.
The lyrics that run from neuron to neuron are "...it's just textbook stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up..."
I always wanted other people so listen to her quiet wisdom, and then I realized that they applied to me. I'm still sumbling and fumbling about in my heart-brain connection. I'm trying to get things in order and it's not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to be.
But safety first, don't push please, what's the hurry?
Slowly my feet are returning to the ground after they were temporarily unglued from the cement, and I was able to escape and fly for a time.
up and coming
The song going through my head, and the song playing on the stereo is "Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap.
The lyrics that run from neuron to neuron are "...it's just textbook stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up..."
I always wanted other people so listen to her quiet wisdom, and then I realized that they applied to me. I'm still sumbling and fumbling about in my heart-brain connection. I'm trying to get things in order and it's not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to be.
But safety first, don't push please, what's the hurry?
Slowly my feet are returning to the ground after they were temporarily unglued from the cement, and I was able to escape and fly for a time.
The lyrics that run from neuron to neuron are "...it's just textbook stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up..."
I always wanted other people so listen to her quiet wisdom, and then I realized that they applied to me. I'm still sumbling and fumbling about in my heart-brain connection. I'm trying to get things in order and it's not coming along as quickly as I'd like it to be.
But safety first, don't push please, what's the hurry?
Slowly my feet are returning to the ground after they were temporarily unglued from the cement, and I was able to escape and fly for a time.
Monday, July 17, 2006
another day
To give you an insight on how amazingly dull my life is, the highlight was when a friend came over so we could go grocery shopping together. Lately it has become a group effort because he isn’t leaving the house much since in exactly one week, he will be in Tucson preparing to take the Bar Exam tomorrow, in a week. So in an effort to make the most of every minute, he has combined necessary chores with socializing. He feels that he has had human connection while at the same time he is able to buy bread and sustain his life one day more. This makes perfect sense. If you’re studying for the bar.
I on the other hand, really have no excuse or real social life for that matter other than sitting at home pretending to study for physics and I am constantly cleaning up the apartment. I can’t prove anything, but I swear there are some gnomes that come into the apartment when I’m not here and trash the place. And by trash the place I mean they use dishes and don’t wash them when done, and leave lots of papers around my desk, and worst of all, they get that black stuff and make sure it gets all over the bottom of the bathtub so I have to scrub it every four days just to keep somewhat clean, because the next time I go to take a shower, yup, there’s the black stuff again. But I should add that Tuesdays are extra busy because I have to water the seven plants that live, or mostly live, in my house. But I love them, and I tell them that. And I think I have four of the seven fooled. But definitely not the fern. I have to keep an eye on him. I think he’s got the potential to become unruly. I do have a job at a restaurant, but due to scheduling conflicts I don’t work there a lot. But I am hoping to find a job at a pharmacy soon.
I on the other hand, really have no excuse or real social life for that matter other than sitting at home pretending to study for physics and I am constantly cleaning up the apartment. I can’t prove anything, but I swear there are some gnomes that come into the apartment when I’m not here and trash the place. And by trash the place I mean they use dishes and don’t wash them when done, and leave lots of papers around my desk, and worst of all, they get that black stuff and make sure it gets all over the bottom of the bathtub so I have to scrub it every four days just to keep somewhat clean, because the next time I go to take a shower, yup, there’s the black stuff again. But I should add that Tuesdays are extra busy because I have to water the seven plants that live, or mostly live, in my house. But I love them, and I tell them that. And I think I have four of the seven fooled. But definitely not the fern. I have to keep an eye on him. I think he’s got the potential to become unruly. I do have a job at a restaurant, but due to scheduling conflicts I don’t work there a lot. But I am hoping to find a job at a pharmacy soon.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
as of lately
More often than not, these days, I find that I really don't have a lot to say. To friends. To family. To myself even. I wish that I had the answers, or a remark, or even something germain to perpetuate the conversation. But I don't.
I might be meloncholy these days. I can't say why. My life goes on but not the same. I was touched by people. I know that I lived a lot of life in a short and small time. Now I'm playing catch up for my already spent time.
But it was worth it. Well beyond worth it.
I've got some bemoanings to do, and dwell on negative things, but I won't. Not tonight. I've also got a lot of reasons to be happy. Good friends who make me dinner on a Sunday night. Sweet people who live half way across the world who have made my life better. Family that will stick by me in the think and thin.
I'm blessed.
I just wish that I could solve problems I see people I care for go through. But they need those trials. That is the only way that they will learn. And as a friend, all I can do is be there to dust them off, pick up pieces if needs be, extend an encouraging word, be there just to give a hug.
I am trying to be positive and I want that positive energy to circulate in my life and those with whom I come in contact. So much to be grateful for, so much to make me smile.
Yes, I am happy.
I might be meloncholy these days. I can't say why. My life goes on but not the same. I was touched by people. I know that I lived a lot of life in a short and small time. Now I'm playing catch up for my already spent time.
But it was worth it. Well beyond worth it.
I've got some bemoanings to do, and dwell on negative things, but I won't. Not tonight. I've also got a lot of reasons to be happy. Good friends who make me dinner on a Sunday night. Sweet people who live half way across the world who have made my life better. Family that will stick by me in the think and thin.
I'm blessed.
I just wish that I could solve problems I see people I care for go through. But they need those trials. That is the only way that they will learn. And as a friend, all I can do is be there to dust them off, pick up pieces if needs be, extend an encouraging word, be there just to give a hug.
I am trying to be positive and I want that positive energy to circulate in my life and those with whom I come in contact. So much to be grateful for, so much to make me smile.
Yes, I am happy.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
you know who you are
When do you lie? When do you tell the truth? Do you laugh when you're happy? Do you cry when you're sad? Do you remember when you were young? On a clear day do you see forever? In the early morning can you hear angels whisper? When with friends do you feel love? If you're alone do you let down your guard? Or is it from yourself that you're running? Do you know who you are?
I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.
I was so blind I could not see, your paradise is not for me.
But I remain in your life with a light above my head.
I've been so high, to the sky. I've been so down, to the ground.
I was so blind I could not see, your paradise is not for me.
But I remain in your life with a light above my head.
should I just swallow the hot coal? or take a bow?
What to do when you think your heart is going to burst right out of your chest? What to do when you think you must be dreaming, when all five of your senses have been heightened, when reality seems to have taken a momentary detour leaving you in something sur-real? Euphoria settles in and all reason leaves. You give in to everything you know you shouldn't.
But just as quickly as it began, it is over. Reality comes rushing back to take hold of your existence once again. What do you do?
I took a bow, the night was over, the masquerade had ended.
But was it me that was acting? I wonder if when you say your lines, do you feel them? Do you mean what you say when there's no one around, watching you watching me?
I'm not in love with you, but I could easily should I let myself. But I think it's better to end this show before you get to the part where you break my heart. You play the clown so well, you deserve an award for the role that you played.
But neither one of us know which way this story will go. You're my lonely star, someday you'll know who you are.
But just as quickly as it began, it is over. Reality comes rushing back to take hold of your existence once again. What do you do?
I took a bow, the night was over, the masquerade had ended.
But was it me that was acting? I wonder if when you say your lines, do you feel them? Do you mean what you say when there's no one around, watching you watching me?
I'm not in love with you, but I could easily should I let myself. But I think it's better to end this show before you get to the part where you break my heart. You play the clown so well, you deserve an award for the role that you played.
But neither one of us know which way this story will go. You're my lonely star, someday you'll know who you are.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
musings
I was cleaning out my closet today and wow there was a lot of junk that I got rid of and re-organized everthing. When I moved in, I was so tired of unpacking that a lot of stuff just got thrown in the closet.
So today I finished unpacking. I came across some old stuff from years gone by: an old journal from the mission, a book full of writings that people had written for me when I left that country, some old papers I wrote in freshman English. These were all memories that I placed back in their boxes and hopefully in years to come I will enjoy finding them again.
And then there were a few items that belonged neither on the shelf or in a box. They were the space clutters as I call them. They are out since there is really no place for them. "I should just throw them away." That is what I thought about them, but the instant afterwards I knew that I couldn't. They didn't have a special space or carefully wrapped and stored in a box. They weren't on display on a shelf somewhere. But all the same, they belonged.
Aren't there things in life that we don't know where they really go? But they are in our lives and should they be thrown out or dissapear, we would realize their absence?
An old Abercrombie cologne box that I have and just keep a few odds and ends in... nothing really important, but I can't bring myself to throw it away. It gets tossed aside everytime I clean, yet I always fish it out of the trash in the end. Does it have sentimental value to me? It might but I can't really place a memory to it. It's just been around for a long time and I can't get rid of it. I'm by no means a pack rat. I tossed quite a bit of stuff, including some old high school papers that I'd been holding on to for no real reason. Some old binders got the boot.
So today I finished unpacking. I came across some old stuff from years gone by: an old journal from the mission, a book full of writings that people had written for me when I left that country, some old papers I wrote in freshman English. These were all memories that I placed back in their boxes and hopefully in years to come I will enjoy finding them again.
And then there were a few items that belonged neither on the shelf or in a box. They were the space clutters as I call them. They are out since there is really no place for them. "I should just throw them away." That is what I thought about them, but the instant afterwards I knew that I couldn't. They didn't have a special space or carefully wrapped and stored in a box. They weren't on display on a shelf somewhere. But all the same, they belonged.
Aren't there things in life that we don't know where they really go? But they are in our lives and should they be thrown out or dissapear, we would realize their absence?
An old Abercrombie cologne box that I have and just keep a few odds and ends in... nothing really important, but I can't bring myself to throw it away. It gets tossed aside everytime I clean, yet I always fish it out of the trash in the end. Does it have sentimental value to me? It might but I can't really place a memory to it. It's just been around for a long time and I can't get rid of it. I'm by no means a pack rat. I tossed quite a bit of stuff, including some old high school papers that I'd been holding on to for no real reason. Some old binders got the boot.
Sometimes I wish that I had a laptop. Just so I could lay in bed and type down all my thoughts as they enter my head. It seems that the 12 feet from my bed to the computer desk is enough time and distance to dissolve any brilliant ideas I have while laying down, watching the fan make its endless rotations, both of us wishing we lived in a place where it didn't have to constantly be in motion.
But for breakfast I had toast with boysenberry jam. Yum.
The day looks like it's going to be hot today. So much for thinking I might trail run today. But there's always tomorrow, though for some strange reason, I don't think I will be getting up at 6am to go running.
Last night a lot of the past people in my life were out and about. It was kinda weird when you remember how you two used to be pretty darn close and always had a good time and for some undefined reason, yet definitely a reason, you now just look at each other when glancing up from your conversation with the same regard as a stranger. In some aspects it's good, in others it's creepy that people could be so cold.
Do we give to just get something? Do we want something back?
When we no longer feel that we are getting what we need, do we turn our backs? Or do we overlook the lack of reciprocation? Maybe that is why we love and cannot for the life of us define love. It's that endless mass of energy that fills in the cracks where our mortality simply cannot cover. It bends and molds to how we need it to be. It comes in varying forms, from common courtesy to passionate love to a quiet friendship. That's how we make sense of putting up with the constant flaking out of some friends while others get the slip and we "forget" to return their text messages.
Or why we still call our mothers even though she will in one way or another add in the conversation that we need to leave our wicked ways and return to the light of God... "So you made chicken last night? I always knew you were a good cook, just like you are a strong person, are you going to go to church on Sunday? You have to work at it to get a testimony." And I reply, "the chicken was good, but I liked the tomato based sauce better."
But for breakfast I had toast with boysenberry jam. Yum.
The day looks like it's going to be hot today. So much for thinking I might trail run today. But there's always tomorrow, though for some strange reason, I don't think I will be getting up at 6am to go running.
Last night a lot of the past people in my life were out and about. It was kinda weird when you remember how you two used to be pretty darn close and always had a good time and for some undefined reason, yet definitely a reason, you now just look at each other when glancing up from your conversation with the same regard as a stranger. In some aspects it's good, in others it's creepy that people could be so cold.
Do we give to just get something? Do we want something back?
When we no longer feel that we are getting what we need, do we turn our backs? Or do we overlook the lack of reciprocation? Maybe that is why we love and cannot for the life of us define love. It's that endless mass of energy that fills in the cracks where our mortality simply cannot cover. It bends and molds to how we need it to be. It comes in varying forms, from common courtesy to passionate love to a quiet friendship. That's how we make sense of putting up with the constant flaking out of some friends while others get the slip and we "forget" to return their text messages.
Or why we still call our mothers even though she will in one way or another add in the conversation that we need to leave our wicked ways and return to the light of God... "So you made chicken last night? I always knew you were a good cook, just like you are a strong person, are you going to go to church on Sunday? You have to work at it to get a testimony." And I reply, "the chicken was good, but I liked the tomato based sauce better."
Friday, July 07, 2006
Don't ask the question, it has no answer.
The blinding light of the city, find it there.
Sidewalk illusions to try your soul.
Are you good enough? Am I good enough?
Famous places, foreign places, I've traveled them all.
Trading in the starlight only to see traffic lights.
The lead in my bones in the morning.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Little boats, little shoes, little hopes, little dreams.
The night air on my skin illuminated by neon.
Coffee rings hold no wisdom, silence no action.
Why would I want them to be you?
A stolen touch the last stolen glance, last breath.
Reflection in the water in the eye.
A substitute for the truth, for life, for love.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
The blinding light of the city, find it there.
Sidewalk illusions to try your soul.
Are you good enough? Am I good enough?
Famous places, foreign places, I've traveled them all.
Trading in the starlight only to see traffic lights.
The lead in my bones in the morning.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Little boats, little shoes, little hopes, little dreams.
The night air on my skin illuminated by neon.
Coffee rings hold no wisdom, silence no action.
Why would I want them to be you?
A stolen touch the last stolen glance, last breath.
Reflection in the water in the eye.
A substitute for the truth, for life, for love.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Take away my city girl,
Take her far away.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
hello, here I am. are you there C
I know that the internet is not the best place to bare your soul, but I do it because I need to know that anyone heard my thoughts. But today I do it so if by chance, he will read these words. At least I know that I did what I needed to do. I can't call or email him. I can't be direct. So I write to C.
You were the best friend I ever had. I see just how rich my life has become because you were in it. Thank you. You will never know just how profoundly you have affected my life.
I thought that I would not be able to live or breathe unless you were doing it with me. But you are. Though time and distance separates us we still breathe together, and that is enough for me.
I will always keep you in my heart, and when you creep into my thoughts I will no longer push it back but take time to think of you, and just how special you are to me.
You were the best friend I ever had. I see just how rich my life has become because you were in it. Thank you. You will never know just how profoundly you have affected my life.
I thought that I would not be able to live or breathe unless you were doing it with me. But you are. Though time and distance separates us we still breathe together, and that is enough for me.
I will always keep you in my heart, and when you creep into my thoughts I will no longer push it back but take time to think of you, and just how special you are to me.
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