Get Ready to Jump

"I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own, it sways and it sings and it bends until you make it your own... I can make it alone!"

Last night I watched Desperate Housewives with N. It was fun, and I could relax around him I found out. He also got me to thinking: I want to get on with it. I've been stuck in a slump for a few weeks now and I need to move on. Not look back anymore. So with school, my apt, my body... I'm moving on. Time for me to learn this lesson and move on to another.

really quickly

So here I am in Hayden Library. I refuse to this day of liberal coffee shops everywhere, to bring a drink into the library. I cannot for the life of me do it. I guess it's a little of the old world still left in me. But right now really what's on my mind is the need to come up with a DNA model of an alien species that doesn't have okazaki fragments and also the telomeres at one end get shorter. I don't know!!! But also I'm comforted by the mass amounts of eye candy that roam this campus... yum. This was just a short break to write to my legions of readers, or really who I think are normal people who just happen to pass by this silly (yet I love it) blog.

So, any ideas on the DNA?

2 Years; Forbidden Love

So as of tomorrow, I will have been doing this blog for two years. And really, I'm quite happy with it. It has been just what I was wanting: a release for my thoughts.

So I continue:

This weekend was amazing, but due to it, I got sick yesterday and some today. I am now just feeling better. It was because I was having too much fun. But the rainbow festival was amazing. I spent it with my good friend CW and we interacted with his and my friends while there. I sometimes wish that there was more of an attraction between us because he would be the perfect boyfriend. But he is also one of the best friends I have. Not that we are constantly hanging out, but that I can trust him 100% and I know that he would be there for me, and he knows that about me.

Though the whole weekend (up until Monday morning) was a blast!, one particular instance remains in my head. That instance is seeing Joe. Joe has been with his bf for more than 10 years, I don't know the exact time, so I know that they are committed, but all the same I know that I have a huge crush on him. I have met him and talked with him many times before. Also, I know that he likes me more than just an acquaintance or as a friend of CW's. In other words there is an attraction between us and I can't help but flirt when I'm near him, and he does the same. CW even told me that Joe's bf was talking to him while Joe and I were talking, and mentioned that we were flirting. So it's no secret. And I'm definitely not going to act on anything. I'd love to, Joe is sexy and nice and someone to whom I'm very attracted. I want to kiss him, I want to experience what he tastes like. I'd like to feel his lips on mine. I'd like to brush his cheek and neck with my lips. That's my fantasy... and the only thing that I will do is continue to work out, jog, and eat right so that if anything, I know that him seeing me will give him a small high, in the sense that he knows that if he wanted me, he could have me.

"...will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be."

Last night I was just thinking about life as I was drifting into slumber, and the thought entered my mind that it's hard to become the person that you know you can be.

I know I can be so much more, I know I am capable of much more. But I'm holding myself back.

I'm learning who I am and who I'm not.

I do a lot and don't do a lot based on fear: Fear of failure, rejection, losing, etc. But I'm not being true to myself. So I need to face my fear.

I may not have a very good idea of all that I am capable of, I just know it's much more than this. I'm wanting to keep a journal on here of how I am improving, how I am going to attain my goals.

"I always wished that I could find, someone as beautiful as you. But in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you."

I'll survive, I know I'll stay alive

These past few days have been hard. I've been going through a low spell lately. I'm trying to lift myself out of it, and it's really taking its toll. I am finding that I'm motivated enough to clean a little here and there, but the whole house (minus the bathroom) needs attention (I never let the bathroom get bad). The kitchen is the major area of concentration when I clean tomorrow!

School is better but I still need to do a lot more studying!

My phisical regeim is still floundering... some days I'm good, others not so good. Ugh.

But tonight I went to a pot luck and was really nice to see some old friends. I miss D. I forget that we really were good friends. I'm happy that I've gotten over my crap and I am able to move on. I like that I have forgiven her, though I really don't know if she needed to be forgiven. I hold no grudge against her is what I'm trying to say.

Lately I have been soo tired. I don't know why.

And finally. I am really crushing hard on my boss. Last night I worked with him and he was a lot of fun, and he was looking good, and all I could think about was what it would feel like to kiss him. But then that might be what keeps work interesting for me... well, that, and I adore my other co-workers. Work is really good for me. I really am blessed to be there with that crew.