too late. too little sleep.

Is that seat taken? Congratulations.
Would you like to take a walk with me?
My mind it kinda goes fast. I'll try and slow it down for you.
Think I'm going to take a drive.
I'm going to give you something I've been wanting to give you to:
My heart.

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seem to be the happiest you've ever been
Now you belong to him.

I can't change this. I can never change it back.
But now I can't change your mind.
And I can't take this. I could never take this back but now,
I can't change your mind.

Analytical Chemistry

I was too much. I left solid ground and let myself get caught up.
I could not see. Despite the downtown lights.

Energy swirling, warming my skin. Then vacancy.
Was it ever even there to begin with?
Was I alone in the empty street?
No one around.

I thought you feel it.
I saw you feel it.
I felt you feel it.
How do I know?

Empty stairs, quiet hallway, lonely room.
I let myself out. Too much too soon.
Tuck my pain away, I should have known.

Each word you spoke staccato.
A whiter shade of pale in the moonlight.
The shame I feel for feeling.

good for me

Siento que hoy no puedo describir porque me has afectado tanto. Yo era tu enemigo fiel que pisaba siempre solo pocas huelgas atrás de la fantasía, echando la razón olvidando imaginar. Pero siento que de nuevo respiro la vida.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.-Carl Jung.

Who? and I like.

So finally there's someone who has brought all tall man's problems to the shorter folk. And called it style (on purpose (I know!)). Pants with the cuff too short. I think it's great. Really.

And then how much fun would suits be if you could wear shorts?

I liked the look. I think it'd be fun to play around with the suit like this.

Hmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm Hmmm

Normally like most other gays, I flip through the magazines targeted towards homo adults looking for the hot guys and pretty pictures. I've been reading some of the stories, while most of them were that usual tone of... hmmm, I'm-trying-to-relate-to-you-normal-people-but-since-I'm-writing-for-Out-and-you're-not-and-I'm-fabulous-and-I-guess-you-can-be-too-if-you-tried-like-me-but-so-far-you're-still-just-a-reader-so-this-will-have-to-do-cuz-I-need-to-get-ready-for-a-night-out-with-famous-people-and-my-picture-will-be-in-the-next-issue-of-me-next-to-Kathy-Griffin-like writing. But I found a writer that seemed like he came from the people and still kinda remembers that, though we do still need to adore him, so Christian Dior him? From his head to his toe? No, but read what he has to say.
Mr. Josh Kilmer-Purcell. I don't know. Maybe one is his maiden name, and the other not. Maybe his parents felt it necessary to give him both last names, when I write him a letter I will be sure to ask, but read his words. I really thought he was clever and funny. http://www.iamnotmyselfthesedays.com/
He used to do drag. Who knew? He's delectably cute these days. I tried to find a picture of the one of him in the magazine, but couldn't.

capture our story in one second

A million miles from my skin. But my heart just right here.
The image, walking in daydreams, el mar, el cielo.
It was the first, and keeps in my heart forever.
Embraced my embraces. Everyday waking up.
I realized a new empty, that you were filling.
But more than fifty thousand passed by, I learned to quit them all.
But I need a reason more, than just I feel.
Though excess abounds.

Time stitched a thread in my heart.
Pass the days, while seeing the sky deeper as taught.
Shoes no longer glued to the cement.
But teach one last lesson: how do I live without?

Let the rain make puddles, and raise the level.
Lived so much in such a short and small time, forgot what language I spoke.
Have I lived ten thousand days? or one day ten thousand times?

So far from me. Looking in my soul, a garden, I lost myself.
Let myself be carried away, my faithful enemy, that there could be so much more.
Errors boarding a ship, watching the rain. I'm not able.
I close my eyes:

The sun still down, the clock chimes early. I snuggle in, I like that it smells of you.
You're still asleep as I turn the soft light off. I hear you breathing and heartbeat.
You stir and wrap me in, the clocks lose count of time.
One lifetime is too short for me.

The butterfly replaces her guise, ending the ancient story, taking care that no one hears her leave.

Smothered in a frothy sauce of near-pseudo optimism, who could tell the outcome this time around. What appears to rocket from the doldrums to an orbit that no foundation could support.

Where was the middle ground?
Where is the infrastructure to execute such a radical change?

If you reap what you sow, then where are the fields upon fields full of the white fluffy substance to bring existentialism to what appears to be yet another fabricated display of contrite penance and humble accord for empirical nothingness?

Would sir care to beg the question?
Would sir care to answer at all?
Even a little bit?

Sincerely,
We've Seen It All Before

Cloudy Day

Will you remember?

I'm in a good mood today. Je suis en un bien humor. Oui. C'est vrais et je suis d'accord avec la vie maintenant. Not really. I botched the French language. Despite my incredible, masterful handle that I have on it.
I'm off to study...

Memories on a Shelf

die another day

So much in my head right now. I know what's right. I know what's wrong. But it seems I'm a catch 22.

When will I learn?

When will I just give up?

A Candy-Perfum Boy, Please.

If any of you fear me going back to Mormon lifestyles, see here. It's frightening to think of the kind of people I'd be dealing with.

I'd rather deal with these types of mormons. And of course these:

“I think that you’re afraid to look in my eye, you look a little sad boy I wonder why.”

Last night I went out with a boy from CA. He was nice and fun, but all night he kept telling me that I was acting different when I thought I wasn’t. I don’t know. He so funny, he’s the first to get on a crate to speak about love and how it takes work, but he simply won’t do it. Oh I’m not looking to date him (he lives in CA, long distant really doesn’t work).

Last night I had a dream, I can’t remember much of it, some of the details were very vivid but others were blurry. I remember colors: I remember deep earth tones which seemed to penetrate the sunshine. The walls, if they were walls, were like large sides of cliffs stretching towards the heavens. I tried to look up. It wasn’t dark, like the sun was shinning right on me. But there was no sun. Vegetation was everywhere and the sounds of the jungle though I really don’t remember a jungle.
I walked to the ocean and just watched the blue mass billow in front of me. I only contemplated the blue, there was so much blue. I remember wanting to walk into the blue aggregate to be apart of it, to know why it was so blue, but I couldn’t move. I was firmly planted on the sand; I even checked my soles for roots.
No hubo sonido. Recuerdo el silencio. Pensé que vi barquitos en la distancia, como luzes pequeñas. Y me desperté.

“I took me by surprise that you understood.”

Update

I'm addicted to America's Next Top Model. I try and watch it every week. I even requested from the roomie that we record it should I be busy and can't be there for it. I even like it better than Heroes. Heroes has begun to get too messy for me. I don't really care for it really anymore... but I'll give it a few weeks to get better.

My absolute favorite of the show is Heather. I simply cannot get enough of her. She's akward, bumbles, and is plan wonderful. I totally identify with her. Not that I'm even 0.12 as attractive as she is. But she isn't classic beauty. There's something about her, maybe the underdog, maybe wondering how she is hanging in there with all these other girls... But she is doing it well.

Love you Heather!I absolutely loved to hate Ebony. And I miss her. I didn't want her to leave. I really didn't. She was amazing and I loved how she looked like a big tomboy at panel but would be a feirce woman in her photos. Come back Ebony!And I cried when Sarah got the boot. She was the plus-size girl and I loved her for it. She knew she was going home. This is a testament that fat people are still not socially acceptable in society. We don't want to see no fat girl. Tyra, you need to reconsider!And then here is my latest picture. I was resing from a 3 mile jog I was on... sorry about the hair.

I haven't learned the lines you'd like to hear

I look out at the scenery while driving away. No specific destination, just away from the city. I need to leave behind what it is, who I am there. Just for a few hours. I conceal a lot, and I get tired of concealing it. Deep in my heart, and I can't confess what I'm feeling. I'm scared, I fear. I try to keep my brave face on and go forward. But all alone it's hard. all alone I sit and think about what I may be giving up, what I may be letting go. I'm frustrated if I should fight for it. Firstly I don't know why I'm so caught up. I thought I could let go just as easily as I took hold.

I'm watching some bits of Evita. Despite being a 2 hour Madonna music video, I do like it for what it portrays. I love the deceit, the sex, the scandal, the intentions, the trust, the guile, the betray. I think my favorite part is when she is dying and worries that she is no longer of use to him, and she appeals to love. Love is the fabric that holds us together, at least that's what I think. I like to think that he did truly love her. And she continued feeling like she had something to prove to him, she had to show that she was worth something. And when all that disappeared, she became vulnerable.

I've never really understood love. I never could feel it for most anyone. I love my family, but that's a different love from romantic love. I used to wonder if I would ever feel it. I think I've felt it. And I think I've decided that if you truly love someone then you will let them go. There's a cliche for you. Anyway, that's what's been on my mind.

"Where do we go from here? This isn't where I intended to be. We had it all... Certainties disappear. How do we keep all our passions alive? Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say, scared to confess what I'm feeling, frightened you'll slip away."

today

I met a lady that sat in the audience where JK Rowling first said that Dumbeldor was gay. She wanted to know if half a witch would cost the same as a whole witch. And then showed me a picture she carries around of the pumpkin she carved. I liked her.

tonight I thought I wanted to go out and sit in one of the best lit bars in Phx and talk with an old friend. But now I'm just ready to go to bed. But I'd still like to talk to him, someday soon.

I'm still wondering what's going to happen in life.

My dad said some really good stuff to me the other day. He's an amazing man.

I can't stop listening to two slow, sad songs. Maybe if I listen to them enough, they will resolve themselves and there might be a happy ending.

advanced therapy

My skin is so dry. I looked at my upper arms this morning and wondered when all the ash blew in. So I lubed up this morning, and then went to go get my check-up. You know, the one that all sexually active men should. All's well.
The PA who serviced me today was very cute. 38 from Tennessee. Mark is his name with crystal blue eyes... like that icy, crystal blue. His puppy, Buddy, is 17 years old and keeping him up at night because he's slowly dying. Mark got kinda choked up. It was cute, endearing, and the poor dog. I thought about saying that at least he got 17 good years but decided to let it drop. I'm trying to learn the art of silence. All went well. We talked about David Sedaris, of course Amy and on the tip of my tongue was if maybe I'd see him out sometime. But I didn't. You don't ask the man who just felt you up, probed you for bacteria, and drew blood if you'll see him around. Do you believe in love at first sight? It's an illusion...

Besides, I know that right now it was just my need for a band aid. I need someone to tell me Let's forget your life, forget your problems, administration, bills, and loads. Come with me (in the evidence of its brilliance). I am listening to a lot of Confessions these days. I hadn't listened to a song for quite sometime from that album, listening (when I listen to Madonna) to the 2 new songs, or Ray of Light or stuff from her first two albums, Borderline being a favorite of mine right now. You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.

There's this guy. He's young, and he likes me. He needs to know that those are two detrimental attributes right now. If I have it, I don't want it. But if I can't have it, then I want it badly. Well, actually that's not the case so much. It just seems that right now I'm not meant to have another in my life acting as boyfriend or lover. I think I would like it. But it needs to be the right guy. I've been around long enough that I feel I'm not going to settle. If he doesn't meet my requirements or excel beyond them, then I don't want him. I've met a few that I'd love to love. And despite myself I do love them. But the number is very small. I think I know enough between something that feels real and something that feels fleeting.

I started reading A Picture of Dorian Gray. Could it be anymore gay? But all the same, I like it. I especially like to be reading novels again. It adds a dimension to my life that I once enjoyed but since have forgotten. It will take awhile for me to get back to cogitating like I think I once used to.
And my car got egged last night. One egg that dug unto the hood of my car. Hooray. I would kill the little bitches if I ever could pin them down in the haystack. Maybe not kill but definitely make sure they knew and felt my rage, if not from me, then certainly their apathetic, terrible parents, or the police, or my car... lol... that nice thought I will leave with you.

Connect to the sky future lovers rise their ambition high, would you like to try? Let me be your guide put aside your pride future lovers hide love inside their eyes. Not controlled by time future lovers shine for eternity in a world that's free. Put away your past love will never last if you're holding on to a dream that's gone. I'm going to tell you about love. Would you like to try?

We'd be good, we'd be great together.