It's very east to get distracted, side-tracked, amused with a site, caught up in other stuff... really anything applies when I'm not accomplishing the task I set out to do. I was in the shower and realized that I haven't written in this thing for some time. I was thinking how much fun I've had doing this. I like to let my thoughts out and allow them to flow to the world.
My favorite Alanis song right now is "Orchid." It makes me think about myself and how I view who I am. For so long I've defined myself based on how I perceive others seeing me. I look at my life, my room, my belongings like I'm looking through the eyes of others. It seems I'm always trying to please. Also I had a recent incident of "the victim" crop up. It worried me. I don't want to digress.
I've been thinking a lot about VideoGameBoy (VGB). He said a very poignant comment. I was looking though his library and admiring, commenting, and asking about the books he had read, or at least had on his shelf. And then when we settled down to play a video game, he asked what the last book I read was. It was Wicked. And I think that is the only book I have read this year. This year. Wow.
I really had thought that I had read more than that. So I've been thinking that I need to read more. I'm trying to read The Other Bolyn Girl and also Lord Jim, but I have only just read few pages into them. It seems I'm much more intrigued to watch a re-run of The Simpsons.
Who am I now? Where did the Ryan go that used to read? That used to have a zest for life? Am I treating my life like a rose when really it's an orchid? Wanting, seeing, hoping, waiting, doing what I think I should do, but going about it all wrong?
Am I happy? Not fully I don't think. Not fully.
Today I weighed in. I weight X. I want to become X-12lbs by the end of Sept. My late evening snacking is what I really, really need to work on. On a 1-5 scale, I snacked at a 3 tonight. It was awful. I'm trying to not be upset, I snack all the time, and old habits die hard. I need to progress.
I miss some people tonight. I miss The Waterless Fish. But he's out of my life, and despite the sentiments dwelling on his absence, I am happy. I think I'm beginning to love what we shared and I'm okay with him moving on with his life. I have a few questions, but the fact that they have no answer may be the answer.
I miss the dancing girls. They always knew how to make me feel like the most special guy in the world.
Class is going well. I am trying to get a handle on what I'm doing with it all. 17 credits is a heavy load and juggling it is rough for me. But worth it. It has to be, is this my dream, or a hurdle? It's all about perspective.
Lastly, Xaiver has been on my mind a lot. He's bust with his job, love life, family, schooling, his life. I wish I could just hold him tonight as I fall asleep. Silly of me to even muse of him, but I do so tonight.
I'm on the road to get happy, not that I'm not happy, but I know I have potential.
"I'm a sweet piece of work
Well intentioned and unloved
Unlabeled and misunderstood
Treated like a rose as an orchid"
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