So I might be a hypocrite. Jealous. Loud. Pretentious. Threatened. Capitalist. Heaven forbid I be ignored or criticized. I may have abused my power, forgive me. I don't want to accept that we are all one.

You said wouldn't it be a shame to know how great I was minutes before I died. I cringed.

I was hoping we could heal each other. I was hoping we could be more together.

bring it back

Just burn all the memories, too many names and information.
Shadows on the floor in the kitchen.
Still trying to not be naive.

Going to New York, leave this behind in AZ.
I needed to know what type of people I'd deal with there.
I'm now overly cautious. I try not to be head-strong.

Terrified.

I'm not wanting to stare, but why you haven't cracked open yet has me amazed.
I tried to be there, but you pused us away.

Resilient. Big-time. Ahead-of-your-time.
You are. I am.

I can still get mad

I'd be lying if I said I was alright with how you've moved behind my back.
I'd just be proving you right by keeping quiet or speaking up.
What can my reaction be? You have me figured out, don't you?
I just can't not. I can't not fight when I'm misread.

Needing a hug is whining. You'd be slighted if I said your love isn't love.
But I can't complain can I? Because I'm the one reaching for it, aren't I?
I can't help wonder why you even ask me.

You think you're the right one.
You think you're the charmed one.
Who do you think you are really, underneath?

Why do you offend me?
Why do you affect me still?
Why to you hinder me?
Why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me after all this time?

I can't like everyone

Are you still trying to make up for what you lack?
Are you mad that I had to have emotional affairs?
Are you still mad I didn't play into your palm?
Of course you are.

Do you still want to make me jealous by flirting wildly?
Do you remember that I always had one foot out the door?
Do you want to still use me as a cruch?
Of yours you do.

Are you mad that I could only like your potential?
Are you mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are.

Hope is no Secret

I don't know how many times I've hit a wall. And then hit another, and another, and another. It's like I get off by hitting walls. I like to put myself in positions to squirm, and fret, and try to find the light and air. Always fighting to make it work when I'm the one sabotaging myself.

Sabotaging myself. But I still hope I'll get better.

I've talked about a guy. I've wanted a guy. I've crushed after him, I've lusted after him.
But I wouldn't date me either. I wouldn't date me either.
Will things be the same? Or will I make them better?

Happiness lies in my own hands, will I take me longer to understand that?

I need to learn to love myself, I need to learn to love who I am. No more fighting, no more hollow promises, only to return to the sloth and envy, the self-spoiling.

So I share a secret, I share what I feel inside, I share in hopes I'll be held accountable by myself. So let me start. Let me accomplish much as I work hard for it. Let me enjoy the things I've earned. Let me feel content that I have worked hard and I deserve happiness, and I'll let myself be happy, finally.

When you play the game too long, no one can take you seriously.
I never got to tell you how I feel.

I put my bets on the table, my cards in my hand.
But set the stakes too high, you're bound to lose.
This game of love only brings pain.

I'll never be more than just a friend.
But you gave me something to remember.
You told me to love myself first, then someone else can.
We weren't meant to be.

Happiness I thought was with you,
wish I had the chance to prove.
What a shame, who's to blame?

I place my bets and show my cards.
Just friends,
but you gave me something to remember.

That's Funny!

(Mommy works at Home Depot – she was selling a shovel, not pole dancing!)

You can't say

You knew what would happen.
You knew how it would end.
You read the signs.
You saw the subtleties.
This should be no surprise.

So do you twist the truth now?
Are you happy now?
So it's time to hold on.
It's time to move on.

In the night, I cried so hard.
These ridiculous thoughts fill my head.

I shouldn't have trusted.
It's not going to happen now.
So now it's time to move on.
Now it's time to move on.

Still I wish I didn't feel the cry.
I wish I didn't allow such ridiculous thoughts to fill my head.
So now I hold on,
So now I move on.

sideways tonight, then logical tomorrow

Do I allow myself to dream when I know it will end?
What do I say when confronted with 10 minutes of joy?
What happens when the song is over?
Do I concentraite on the end or the beginning?
Can I run that far?

No I will grow weary.
I will need to sit down.
I cannot knowingly lead my heart to an end.
I will no longer fight uphill.

But in my dreams just tonight
I will run until I can run no more.
I will kiss until my lips feel no more.
I will love until my heart aches,
I will love until my heart breaks,
I will love until there's nothing more to live for.

we hold the key to the cause right here, underneath

Look at me jumping ship when I say I'm on board.
Look at me try to love you when I hate myself.
Look at me open my arms wide and form a clique.
Watch me as I begin to turn the tide.
I hold the key to the cause.


I'm in the middle of a crazy 4-test week. But so far I'm surviving...


Hottie:

The morning came quickly. He dressed quietly and opened the bedroom door. It had been a fun, crazy night. He had shared a cab to his friend's house and crashed in the guest bedroom. At the time he was excited to go home with his firend, he had had a crush on him since they met just a couple months earlier. He'd left his car there in anticipation of cabbing it. He got to his car and went home. He enjoyed a good crush, but it was time to let this one go, and just enjoy the friendship. He had stayed in the guest room.

in praise of a vulnerable man

Funny. Most other bloggers want people to read and comment on what they write, but I find that I avoid sometimes writing because I don't want people to read what I write.

But at the same time I don't care that people read my thoughts and what's in my head. Not like I'm going to divulge any super personal information, but anyway... I really like writing. I like to express myself through words. It's a me thing.

I saw Madonna. I saw Alanis. I loved both concerts.

Last night we had a theme party and everyone dressed in drag. It was a hoot. I was going for a $2 hooker look. I totally achieved it.

The man I want to unravel is tightly knit. He won't budge from is tower. I can only walk up to the wall and talk, hoping to get information, to learn of him. I wonder why he has a shell up. My friends say not to bother with him, but there's something in me that wants to continue prying, probing, hoping that I might find a crack. He said that he is boring. I asked about lovers and he said he's not at a place right now for that.
I wonder what happened to him, or what happened in the past to cause such thoughts and actions.

I of course continually battle myself and my insecurities. I'm happy but know I need to do so much more. I'm the one that stands in my way. But learning to accept myself and accepting that I need to change... it's quite the feat. I feel that I've moved into a space in my life where I feel comfortable, but fortunate. If that makes sense. I don't want to take anything for granted, so the "comfortable" can be misleading. I've played my cards wrong with others and ended up losing some good people and causing more work for myself down the road. But I don't cry for them anymore, and I don't cry for me anymore. I try to remember that setting stakes too high is bound for a loss.

So trying to relax these days, yet get tons of work done. Pharmacy school is not for the faint of heart. I hope I do well on these tests coming up. I will need to get my act together definitely by tomorrow. Today I went to a friend's baby shower and it was soo good to see her. I'm really happy that we're still friends. She and I have been though a lot together.

Some really good advice that I am learning to incorporate in my life:

"Be wise." My mom said that to me and it's an all-encompassing phrase. She meant that with my time and my priorities to be wise. Wow... I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a bit more work to finish before I'm off for the night.

"There comes a point where you just have to stop." A friend from Chicago said this to me when he and I were visiting San Diego. It was in a little restaurant in Hillcrest. I'd been drinking and he was put out by me. I was pressing why he had flirted with me before we met, and after we met he was totally aloof, or very "just friends." I understand now why. Or at least I've answered it for myself. But back to the advice. Stopping me when I'm full is difficult. I have an obsessive personality and when I get on a kick, I tend to ride it to the highest tide. It can be damaging. Learning to control myself, and learning to stop when I know I reach the stopping point.

I'm constantly feeling like I'm learning to trade fame for love, but I always second think things. I run, rush into things I know won't make me happy in the long run, well, be wise Ryan, be wise.