Funny. Most other bloggers want people to read and comment on what they write, but I find that I avoid sometimes writing because I don't want people to read what I write.
But at the same time I don't care that people read my thoughts and what's in my head. Not like I'm going to divulge any super personal information, but anyway... I really like writing. I like to express myself through words. It's a me thing.
I saw Madonna. I saw Alanis. I loved both concerts.
Last night we had a theme party and everyone dressed in drag. It was a hoot. I was going for a $2 hooker look. I totally achieved it.
The man I want to unravel is tightly knit. He won't budge from is tower. I can only walk up to the wall and talk, hoping to get information, to learn of him. I wonder why he has a shell up. My friends say not to bother with him, but there's something in me that wants to continue prying, probing, hoping that I might find a crack. He said that he is boring. I asked about lovers and he said he's not at a place right now for that.
I wonder what happened to him, or what happened in the past to cause such thoughts and actions.
I of course continually battle myself and my insecurities. I'm happy but know I need to do so much more. I'm the one that stands in my way. But learning to accept myself and accepting that I need to change... it's quite the feat. I feel that I've moved into a space in my life where I feel comfortable, but fortunate. If that makes sense. I don't want to take anything for granted, so the "comfortable" can be misleading. I've played my cards wrong with others and ended up losing some good people and causing more work for myself down the road. But I don't cry for them anymore, and I don't cry for me anymore. I try to remember that setting stakes too high is bound for a loss.
So trying to relax these days, yet get tons of work done. Pharmacy school is not for the faint of heart. I hope I do well on these tests coming up. I will need to get my act together definitely by tomorrow. Today I went to a friend's baby shower and it was soo good to see her. I'm really happy that we're still friends. She and I have been though a lot together.
Some really good advice that I am learning to incorporate in my life:
"Be wise." My mom said that to me and it's an all-encompassing phrase. She meant that with my time and my priorities to be wise. Wow... I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a bit more work to finish before I'm off for the night.
"There comes a point where you just have to stop." A friend from Chicago said this to me when he and I were visiting San Diego. It was in a little restaurant in Hillcrest. I'd been drinking and he was put out by me. I was pressing why he had flirted with me before we met, and after we met he was totally aloof, or very "just friends." I understand now why. Or at least I've answered it for myself. But back to the advice. Stopping me when I'm full is difficult. I have an obsessive personality and when I get on a kick, I tend to ride it to the highest tide. It can be damaging. Learning to control myself, and learning to stop when I know I reach the stopping point.
I'm constantly feeling like I'm learning to trade fame for love, but I always second think things. I run, rush into things I know won't make me happy in the long run, well, be wise Ryan, be wise.
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