Thoughts about where I am

I don't think I want to do anything this Friday night with anyone. I feel like I should do some homework and then go to bed. I'm tired. I have had a productive day as far as house tasks, but have done no homework yet. I need to get to that.

But I was walking out to my car when a realization seemed to unload into my head all at once. I realized that these past two weeks of M and I being broken up have been so good for me. I say good because they have forced me to focus on myself. I have had to do things with me to keep busy and keep my mind of the absence of M in my life. I have gotten reacquainted with who I am again and what I want.
The realization was that I was running full force towards a life with Matt, I was running to him, but I was running away from me. He wanted to move slow, and yet after two months I began to think how soon it would be before I could convince him to move in together. Two months. I think I scared him off. I think that he was feeling suffocated. I think he was feeling like he was drowning. I think he was feeling like he was getting in way over his head, and it was me who was causing him.
I've taken a step back and find that I need time for myself. I need to focus on school, gym, making sure I'm where I need to be. That takes time and energy. I was focusing on Matt and putting too much too soon into him, into us.
The realization also showed that he isn't to blame completely. I was pushing for something he wasn't ready for mentally or emotionally. I scared him off. He couldn't keep up with me. He wasn't ready to lose himself in a relationship with me. And I'm grateful he didn't because I see that I wasn't healthy.
Entering a future relationship, I need to remember to take time for me, especially at the beginning. I bull-dozed too quickly into M's life and I see now that it's not that his heart wasn't opening for me, it just wasn't opening as quickly as I was forcing it to. So he had to make the decision to call it off. He was looking out for himself. He was just doing what he felt was best.

I'm happy with who I am, but still get insecure. I still avoid things, I still run from things. I still have to learn more about myself. I'm not afraid of a relationship, but I'm afraid of how I handle them. I don't like how I get caught up in what I cannot see, but the ideas in my head. I get afraid of myself in a relationship. Of course I will date again when the right boy comes along and I feel inclined to do so, but for now I am really loving myself, in the sense that I've been to the gym four times this week, been studying, eating healthy.

I'm happy. My happiness weighed on M when we were dating. And that thought scares me. I should thank him next I see him. I still do care for him a lot. But it's so plain to me now that I was more of the problem than I had thought. I'm happy I can see this, so that I correct myself and work on being me, remembering myself, and remembering that individuality is an essential element in a relationship.