still, after this much time...

My mind still wanders to Matt and tries to understand what I'm not meant to understand. I still want to know why he let me go. But I know. I want to know why he feels the way he feels, and why he can't feel the way I want him to. I want him to like me still.

But so much of it feels like a dream that happened a long time ago. We have worked on building a new friendship. I do view him as my friend. But there is still some past of the old Matt that I dated that returns to my mind and makes me wish he were back, whatever he was to me.

It's more meta-physical, like a memory that I had of something good and I remember wanting that, and so I want it back because that's how I remember it. But when I think of Matt, I don't want him back because I guess I have moved on from him. I'm happy with the friendship, with how things have turned out. But there's still that empty that I remember he filled and so I sometimes wish for him to fill it again.

There was a lot of bad that I put up with. But it's funny how I forget that part.
But it's obvious that we did the best for us. He needs to be alone, and I need to remember that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel for me.

The other night, I asked him if he had any residual feelings for me. He said that he felt bad and didn't want to answer. I said he needed to tell me the truth because I needed to hear it. He said that he is checked-out on guys all together. That he just cannot feel any deep emotion for anyone right now.
I then asked why he dated me. He said because I was everything that he could want, and his head said to date me, and he wanted to like me, and he wanted to be in a healthy relationship, but his heart just never felt it.

His heart was never into me.
I want, I deserve someone who is into me both mind, body, and heart.

So in the end, I don't want Matt, I don't want what he had to offer because it wasn't much.
But sometimes I still want that hole in my heart to be filled, and right now I remember the memory of when it was filled, and it was him filling it, and so in that sense, I still miss him.