It's not that I'm not interested. It's not that I don't think about the what ifs. It's not that I don't want it to go somewhere. It's that I know the timing is wrong. A long time ago JR kept saying that I wanted to play the field; was't ready to find a one. I never told him I was too insecure to try and pursue something serious with him. He was too beautiful in my eyes. I felt that once he got to know me and spend time with me, he would lose interest. I still think like that. That moment in my life is now in the open.
Not like that feel that with IJ, my confidence is boosted muchly than the past. I see him as not ready for a one. I see him still feeling like an attraction, not ready, but wanting to be around people to be free around people. That is what my gut instinct tells me.
I'm running and sabotaging it anyway. I'll always do that. I am still me. But I think there's a reason beyond my fucked up problems. Maybe.
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