Today I made an impulse decision to get back on chemicals. It was an honest trial phase and I'm tired of feeling that lump of black sadness grow in my throat. I can't avoid things I've been avoiding and I certainly am not finding comfort in food. I'm just gaining weight. I'll admit I'm at a messy crossroads. Today was when I felt that all too familiar feeling of all that depression brings. I know it well, like that all too familiar feeling of getting a paper cut. Distinct: nothing else like it in the world. And then if it's a bleeder you get the blood everywhere. Wondering where it all went. I'm in SD and I should be happy but all I do is sleep and dream away my time. I avoid projects and advancement. I avoid evolution and just find my worries at the bottom of a bowl of peanut m&ms. I've been looking for comfort from other chemicals. Let's get real, I'm trained in chemicals and I'm going about this all wrong. So to an extent I feel like I've lost. I feel like I'm the loser. But there is a freedom in finding a small bandage to help. Rant, rave, tears, lumps in throat, I just don't have it in me right now.
Moving on is the key. I don't want to sit down. I have to keep moving on.
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