to you it seems easy. you think we can be together. it all works for you.
but there are mountains we cannot climb and doors we cannot walk through.
together. even you can't rewrite the fates to make that happens.
you wonder why, since it's beautiful to be just you and me within these closed walls.

but out in the sun you will see it's just hollow dreams.
the fates have been written, how do you say you will be mine?
everything points to our separation, it was a fluke we even found each other.

So here is some real talk to myself: I need to figure this out emotionally. I need to get to somewhere emotionally where I can be friends. He cannot be more than that with me. This stems into my insecurities. I worry that he won't love me as much as he loves the other. Polyamory is a new world to me. I don't know if I'm wired for it. But my insecurities are what drive my partners, lovers, and even sometimes friends away.

This could be a test time for me to deal with my insecurities. You can practice but only during the actual test can you see if you're really ready.
What do I need to practice? Well establishing some boundaries. I need to tell him no. I need to keep me at number 1. I need to still have time with my other friends, and treat Matty like a friend and not my significant other. While he is important to me and emotionally I am into him, I need to not spend every night at his house. I need to let him be without me and me without him. If he makes decisions that put my insecurities at vulnerable, then I need to learn from that. He doesn't sleep with someone because I am bad, but because new and variety is exciting. for sure. I too enjoy it.

So friends. Treat him and learn to regard him as a friend.

I've been avoiding this

Dear )|(,

You have been avoiding this self-letter for a long time.  Matty isn't in love with you, he has his husband love and his boyfirend love. this has been a torrid affair, but you would be #3 in that line up. He has shared rings and necklaces with his loves. You are just a friend that is delayed in the friend department. We keep trying to be more, but we are a trainwreck waiting to happen.

You know I am wanting you. It's not a secret. But we're not in the cards, but chance pulled you near to me. But you are not my destiny for life has put you in an impossible place.
We can try to rewrite the fates and pretend you were meant to be mine and i would be yours. But we cannot be, no matter what we want.

It's not easy. It's hard not to run to you and hold on tightly forever. We can be just you and me behind these walls, it's easy for us to celebrate our connection. But out in the sun you will wake and see it was all an illusion. We cannot rewrite the fates. There are things keeping us apart and you are not the one I was meant to find.

We cannot rewrite the fates, but all I want is to fly and fall with you, everything with you. But it's impossible. you are the one, or at least one of the ones I was meant to find. We could change the world to be ours. but i learn to let go of those illusions.