weep not for the memories

So a tale of two boys has come to a close. I think I cared a great deal for them, but I never felt like there was much returned to me. I don't have the energy anymore to continue blowing in the wind.
Yeah, I'm kind of a wreck right now. But I'm happy with it, or at least I know that I have done something good for me. I'm sure I could write pages on both of them, but it suffices to say that they are part of the past. I'll look back on the times we shared, and I think I'll smile. I'll only let myself remember the sweetness, not the bitterness.

you left me out

I'm not always like this. It's something I've become. He is dating again. He's not dating me. I blacked him out of my life. It's all over. So dramatic, so over in a flash... I run faster, faster, I wish I could dance with you just one more time. Faster, faster I run from him. Don't blame me, I can't help who I am.
Go, go, go, go, faster, not fast enough. Run before the pain catches up, run faster. No time to look at the stars. No time to start again.

Stop. Wait. Turn around. Would you like to walk back with me? But I think I'll need to be walking for awhile. I wanted to give you my heart. My pain I feel is a real emotion. I'm jealous that you're dating another boy. I'm dark in my corner now that you have wings. I can't look you in the face just yet. I'm still trying to mean it when I will say I'm happy for you. Look at the earth, the brown dust. When will you take me? When will I return to my warm, brown mother? I hoped you would sleep next to me for all our nights and then the long one.

Something I've become. Terrible weakness, but it's my nature, it's my blood. I feel that if you heard me say I love you, you would not listen. It's all over, I don't think you care for me like I do you. I know this, you know this.

Okay, I need to walk alone for awhile now.

Some boys kiss me, some hug me, I think they're okay...

What a weekend. I've been kinda seeing a guy for about two weeks and this weekend I broke it off completely with him. I realized that I was always in trouble with him and for one reason or another I was having to apologize. For stupid things. I just got tired of it. I also realized that I was only really physically attracted to him. He's 21 and pretty darn cute. But for me, that's about where it stopped. So immature and also way too into himself for my tastes. Ugh. Really I'm happy I nipped that in the bud before it got out of hand.

"There are too many questions, there is not one solution... There is so much confusion."
Yesterday John and I went up to Jerome to get the hell out of Phx for awhile. It was wonderful. I totally felt that I left Phx in Phx. Everything that had gotten under my skin was left behind. My head felt clear and I could think. I loved it. The town was so peaceful and QUIET!!! I loved that silence.

School is really beginning to kick my ass. I am so swamped with things to get done and homework and all that. So of course in the middle of it all I find this time to write... lol.

Yesterday my family got family pictures, great people.

many hearts; many years

This year I didn't go to the town's GI fest... known as the "M.E.A.T. Party." I'm not sure why, I didn't get an invitation in the mail... wait, I never got one in the mail. I always got my invite from someone at a bar. But I didn't go to bars much, so I didn't get an invite. And the part that I think of the most is that I really don't care.



I'm not who I was a year ago, thank goodness. I'm at a place in my life where I think I'm back on track. I wasn't myself for a few years, caught up in the glitz and glam of the gay lifestyle... it's fun and exciting. But I think I've learned to take it in moderation. At least I hope so.

Lately there have been a few hoops that I've needed to jump through, a few bumps for which I've needed to slow down. I've had to take a few steps back and think about what is important to me. Family, good friends, good grades in school, honesty, and integrety. I'm doing much better about my budget and I'm also doing much better about homework and getting to the gym and running a few miles.

I find that I'm happier these days as well. And I think I'm finally understanding that happiness really does lie in your own hands. And that's no secret.

Get Ready to Jump

"I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own, it sways and it sings and it bends until you make it your own... I can make it alone!"

Last night I watched Desperate Housewives with N. It was fun, and I could relax around him I found out. He also got me to thinking: I want to get on with it. I've been stuck in a slump for a few weeks now and I need to move on. Not look back anymore. So with school, my apt, my body... I'm moving on. Time for me to learn this lesson and move on to another.

really quickly

So here I am in Hayden Library. I refuse to this day of liberal coffee shops everywhere, to bring a drink into the library. I cannot for the life of me do it. I guess it's a little of the old world still left in me. But right now really what's on my mind is the need to come up with a DNA model of an alien species that doesn't have okazaki fragments and also the telomeres at one end get shorter. I don't know!!! But also I'm comforted by the mass amounts of eye candy that roam this campus... yum. This was just a short break to write to my legions of readers, or really who I think are normal people who just happen to pass by this silly (yet I love it) blog.

So, any ideas on the DNA?

2 Years; Forbidden Love

So as of tomorrow, I will have been doing this blog for two years. And really, I'm quite happy with it. It has been just what I was wanting: a release for my thoughts.

So I continue:

This weekend was amazing, but due to it, I got sick yesterday and some today. I am now just feeling better. It was because I was having too much fun. But the rainbow festival was amazing. I spent it with my good friend CW and we interacted with his and my friends while there. I sometimes wish that there was more of an attraction between us because he would be the perfect boyfriend. But he is also one of the best friends I have. Not that we are constantly hanging out, but that I can trust him 100% and I know that he would be there for me, and he knows that about me.

Though the whole weekend (up until Monday morning) was a blast!, one particular instance remains in my head. That instance is seeing Joe. Joe has been with his bf for more than 10 years, I don't know the exact time, so I know that they are committed, but all the same I know that I have a huge crush on him. I have met him and talked with him many times before. Also, I know that he likes me more than just an acquaintance or as a friend of CW's. In other words there is an attraction between us and I can't help but flirt when I'm near him, and he does the same. CW even told me that Joe's bf was talking to him while Joe and I were talking, and mentioned that we were flirting. So it's no secret. And I'm definitely not going to act on anything. I'd love to, Joe is sexy and nice and someone to whom I'm very attracted. I want to kiss him, I want to experience what he tastes like. I'd like to feel his lips on mine. I'd like to brush his cheek and neck with my lips. That's my fantasy... and the only thing that I will do is continue to work out, jog, and eat right so that if anything, I know that him seeing me will give him a small high, in the sense that he knows that if he wanted me, he could have me.

"...will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be."

Last night I was just thinking about life as I was drifting into slumber, and the thought entered my mind that it's hard to become the person that you know you can be.

I know I can be so much more, I know I am capable of much more. But I'm holding myself back.

I'm learning who I am and who I'm not.

I do a lot and don't do a lot based on fear: Fear of failure, rejection, losing, etc. But I'm not being true to myself. So I need to face my fear.

I may not have a very good idea of all that I am capable of, I just know it's much more than this. I'm wanting to keep a journal on here of how I am improving, how I am going to attain my goals.

"I always wished that I could find, someone as beautiful as you. But in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you."

I'll survive, I know I'll stay alive

These past few days have been hard. I've been going through a low spell lately. I'm trying to lift myself out of it, and it's really taking its toll. I am finding that I'm motivated enough to clean a little here and there, but the whole house (minus the bathroom) needs attention (I never let the bathroom get bad). The kitchen is the major area of concentration when I clean tomorrow!

School is better but I still need to do a lot more studying!

My phisical regeim is still floundering... some days I'm good, others not so good. Ugh.

But tonight I went to a pot luck and was really nice to see some old friends. I miss D. I forget that we really were good friends. I'm happy that I've gotten over my crap and I am able to move on. I like that I have forgiven her, though I really don't know if she needed to be forgiven. I hold no grudge against her is what I'm trying to say.

Lately I have been soo tired. I don't know why.

And finally. I am really crushing hard on my boss. Last night I worked with him and he was a lot of fun, and he was looking good, and all I could think about was what it would feel like to kiss him. But then that might be what keeps work interesting for me... well, that, and I adore my other co-workers. Work is really good for me. I really am blessed to be there with that crew.

Does no one in AZ use connexion.org? I already know that answer. No.

So my friend from the old job text awhile back and said that there was the perfect guy for me. And she's been trying to set us up. While my interested is spiked, and I'm curious to find out who this guy is, I am doing all I can to not think about the future and the "what ifs." But I already have and thus jinxed the whole thing.

There's some optimism for you. hehe.

But I'm actually finally able to breathe freely again. My tests are over and I just finished up my oral presentation in Spanish!!! Yea me!

;0)

Working and going to school Monday through Friday takes up a lot of my time. Sometimes I think that if I can just get to the weekend then everything will be all right. That's when I can go crazy, that's when I can have fun. There is time to be with my friends, I can just come undone.
I don't want to grow up too fast, I'll be part of the working force soon enough. As for now I love the good times and like to make them last. And I'm ready now to get it going, so where's the party?

madonna reinvention tour paris nobody knows me

Here is a decent video that I think best capures the energy on stage... it was amazing!

Top 5 this week

1) "Beautiful Love" - The Afters
2) "Jump" - Madonna
3) "The World is not Enough" - Garbage
4) "Nobody Knows Me" (Live) - Madonna
5) "Can't Take it In" - Imogen Heap

This Show is Over Say Goodbye

I don't want to face it. The notion has been creeping into the back of my mind for a few weeks now, if not a few months: There may not be anyone out there for me. I never thought of that. I just thought that I'd eventually meet the right guy. But with the prospect of leaving Phoenix in less than a year, for the first time in my life, I think that is true. At least for now that is the case. But I'm also taking that and trying to make it in my favor. I can concetrait on homework with out wondering if Mr. Right is going to pass me by. I do that a lot. And I'm sure therein lies the problem. But for so long I have wallowed in self pity that this wake up call is good... though I'd still like to find someone. There are lessons that I still need to learn... I know.

But further news on my boss... he and his partner and I went out Saturday night. They are fun to hang with. And I've decided that while I still have a crush on him, OF COURSE I'm not going to ever act on it. I'm not like that.

Madonna's tour is nearing its end. I can't believe that I saw her, and she let me sing into the mike and did a little dance in front of me. I knew that we were soul mates... lol.

cupio in tacitum

So I'm eating broccoli as a snack now days. I'm serious about getting that Roman-warrior body. Though I'm a far cry from it these days. Last night I went out with my boss. I have a huge crush on him... and I found out that he and his partner are in an open relationship. That got me to thinking: I will become very sexy, with my lean, tough, warrior body and get him drunk and seduce him. Yum.

He also informed me that he scored in the 99% on the PCAT. My competition allele came out of its dormancy and sprang to life.

He asked me if I was husband shopping. I told him that I'm in the store but I'm sitting in the lobby area. I'm not looking, but I'm not not looking. It'd be nice to find someone who seemed to get me and my unusual ways, and still liked me for me. Though I'm beginning to think that he is just as mythological as some of the ancient Roman heroes.

It's never easy to let go. Even when the evidence begins to increase, and all signs are pointing away, and there are even red flags and a few sirens, it's still hard to let go of someone who was a major part of your life.

But I know that for reasons I can't see clearly right now, I need to let go.

Breathe in, breath out.
I say a little prayer.
How the gods above, could be so unfair.

I know there's someone out there,
waiting for me.
There must be someone out there,
there just has to be.

Go on, go on.
Don't sit there like a fool.
You've graduated from a different kind of school.

I should be glad, that I'm alive.
It could have been much worse.
I might have never loved at all,
and known what I am worth.

How the gods above could be so unfair?

I know there's someone out there,
waiting for me.
There must be someone out there,
there just has to be.

School has begun and I'm taking up a valuable computer in the library to write this while waiting for my next class to begin. I'm finding that I'm not so good at interim stuff. But as long as there are emails to write and computers to disable for the truly scholarly seeking library information, I should be just fine.

That Colorful State

Just when you think you are strong, you remember you're weak.
Just when you think the light is brighter, a cloud covers the sun.

The casualty takes on the guise of a butterfly.

And flies around with its painted smile.

Untouched by reality, untouched by the movement of time.
Just taking precautions that nobody hears us leave.

MAD TV- Dot

This is my favorite!