Reno/Tahoe is where it’s at this week. Well, it’s where JV is. He left Sunday morning 7am. I wanted to be there at 6:45 with a coffee to send him on his way. But I thought too much about it and decided that I would then be on stalker boundaries with that one. In jest, as I was leaving Sat afternoon, I said for him to send a postcard my way and he got all serious and took my address down. I don’t expect one, but it would still be something fun.
My roommate is convinced that this thing with JV and I is going to all come crashing down soon. I must admit that things seem to be going too well also. I’ve learned that my love affairs don’t last for long; I never fool myself that my dreams will actually come true.
But I keep telling myself that we are just friends, and really that is all it should be. However I cannot deny that I would like it to develop into something more, something bigger, something wonderful. I’m a hopeless romantic.
But I like the ambiguity. There was that talk that I brought up a few weeks ago, and since then I have been very content to just let it take shape as the fates see fit to form it.
I’ve never moved this slowly, I usually get impatient and either try and define the relationship or just drop it. Someone new usually comes along towards the floundering end anyway.
Someone new has cropped up.
JV and I are not floundering. We are establishing a friendship that is mandatory and fun. It’s still exciting to go over to his house, and talk. I feel like I could talk forever with him and still not know enough about him.
I’ve never really been in this situation. Well once, but I bullocked that one up rather well. So I’m resolved to just take is slowly with this other guy as well. Funny thing though with this other, A, is that we too have been moving rather slowly. I met him about a month ago, and we’ve been meaning to get together, but nothing has worked out. Not that it was difficult planning something, just I never felt any pressure to get things going.
And now we’re meeting up for coffee this week. JV is out of town. I can’t wait for him to get back so I can hear about his trip. But knowing him, his trip will probably be summed up in about 30 seconds. He never waists words.
On Saturday we were ending and I stood up to leave and he stood up on the couch to be taller than me, but quickly got off. In those seconds that he was there where I looked up to him, I wanted to either hug him or kiss him or both. Or I wanted to play punch him.
All that went through my mind, but as usual, when uncertain, I just remain still.
RESOLUTION:
I have decided that the outlook I need to assume with JV is one that I want to give him support and friendship and love, and I don’t want to expect anything in return. I want to give and give and give to him. I don’t want him to feel he needs to give me anything. I don’t want to think he needs to give anything to me. I just want him to know how much I like to be in his presence. I feel like I can accomplish anything when I’m with him. I feel like I could live forever should I choose to do so. That is gift enough for me. But it’s a dangerous high. I could become addicted to him. So by giving much to him, I’m hoping I’ll give more than I receive and will wear out eventually and then I will lose interest because it’s too much work to be around him. That is my defense mechanism.
Just from the friendship I feel like I have a level of peace in my life that I haven’t experienced in years. Things just make sense when he’s there. And there are after effects. Spending time with him will usually put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.
The usual doubt and uncertainty that plagues me with anybody that I like is gone with JV. Deep down I know I trust him. And if he feels that nothing more than a friendship, or even ending the friendship is best, then I know that I can just trust him and accept his decision wasn’t made in spite, but in the best interest of the situation.
He’s in Reno/Tahoe this week. I miss him. Just a little bit every now and then.
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