I figured it out

I now know why I'm feeling like I'm in a daze. It's because I am. I'm confused and unsure about a position that I was very firm on just last week. And also I am finding that some old demons have come back to have their go with me. again.
So I'm trying to figure out just what it is and it's distracting me from pretty much everything.
I'm thinking that the position issue has something to do with my resolution to avoid love for awhile. Was it something said this weekend? Was it something done this weekend? I don't feel a pining to call or talk to anyone that I didn't know before this weekend. Is it the idea of loving someone, a man? I think it may be me. I honestly still feel like in the end I will marry a woman and have a family. And I want a family. That has to be a source of imbalance... being gay and being attracted to men, wanting to spend time with men, wanting to be physical with men, and then knowing that I will drop it and marry a woman. Or at least thinking that way. Is that fair to her? To me? No. Now that I have an idea about what's going on, I can let it drift to the back of my mind, and I can summon it when I find threads of knowledge that might help to unravel the mystery of it.
The demons are simple to identify, since they have been a part of my life since I can remember. I knew they were making a come back Saturday night. I felt like everyone wanted everyone else. And that everyone was seeing right through me. I was getting that invisible feeling again. I was basing my worth on the attention and acceptance of people. But the acceptance in a physical, satisfy the moment sense. no, not sex itself, but that I could be desireable, someone could see me and want me in that sense. I felt like I was blocking everyone else's view of everyone else. I am making this seem like a sex party or something. Not like that. I just mean that I felt like everyone else at the party was beautiful and I wasn't. That people were seeing me and wishing I would go away.
But I know how to deal with these demons. I have to do things that make me feel positive: sutdy, workout, run, go above and beyond at work. Things that make me feel better. I don't like to wallow in self-pity and now that I have recognized what's going on, I can pull out of it. okay, well that's enough of that.