I was thinking that I wanted to post something but I didn’t know what. I figured that I just wouldn’t, but I wanted to write. This blog seems to get more of the depression than the euphoria. I then realized that I was letting the blog dictate what I wrote in it. I was thinking I didn’t want to write anything depressing, despite that is how I feel. I then thought that I needed to get a new totally anonymous blog so I could bitch and no one would ever know, but then what’s the point of this blog? So I came round as so many others do that I need to remember this blog is mine. If I want to be sad and depressed on it, then that is what I can do.
With that justification I feel I owe the blog gods, I’ll proceed to the entry:
I feel like a butterfly that tried to spread his wings and fly but only realized he has so much more of the cocoon to break out of still.
Yet again, I have to chalk this weekend up to learning. A guy who I met came out to meet me. It was a giant leap for both of us since we met online. Over the emails we flirted and all that good stuff, but when he got here, it was like a glass wall was placed around him and I couldn’t break it. He seemed more interested in talking to and spending time with any other person in the room than me. So the illusion that months of email and such created was smashed to bits in only hours. I don’t know what to think. Did I disappoint him? Was I dishonest? I didn’t expect intimacy, but I certainly expected to feel closer to him rather than feel he was running from me and I was foolishly chasing after him. Even when we broke away from everyone at his request to talk, we didn’t talk. He became very quiet and aloof, just as he was all weekend. So that left me even more confused. But he’s home now, and I have a place to stay in Chicago should I so feel the need to visit. I was talking about that to him at the end of his visit and I said that I would definitely have to go there because I love the art museum there, or the pieces in it. He made the comment that he would be there too which took me a little by surprise because after the weekend we had just spent together, I really wasn’t looking forward to anther weekend of feeling like he was wishing he wasn’t there. I figured he wasn’t interested in the least should I breathe or asphyxiate.
I just felt torn all weekend. Until we were at the Zoo Party; I was still trying to make sense of something when it just dawned on me that it was a futile cause. He was on his phone all weekend for a reason. He would wander off and talk to other people for a reason. I saw the difference between a genuine and fake smile. Towards the end I saw a lot of the fake smile. Something was wearing on him. So then I just let it go as I said at the party and that was that. The ride back to Phx the following day was pleasant. Only after he left did all the doubts and such return. I guess I switched into survival mode to endure the last day with him. I couldn’t handle the pain and he seemed bent on keeping closed.
So that was my weekend. This is the last time I ever trust really anyone, even if they seem genuine. I’ll let him slip into the past, but I will keep in mind that he lives in Chicago, oh yes, I will remember that I owe him a visit to Chicago…
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