So I may have defined S as a filler. Something that my life lacked that I should is some way be able to provide for myself, but am incapable of doing so.
I changed my mind.
We talked today. We got on the same page. We are not boyfriends. We are not just freinds. He told me that right now all he can give is some vague more than friendship, but not much more than friendship.
He explained his life. I know what he is going through, or I can appreciate it. He's starting over and though he would never say scared, he is scared out of his mind. Uncertainty is a constant companion each day in his life. He's trying to be brave but it's draining him.
All I ask is that he is honest with me. I don't think that he isn't. I realized today that I am willing to slow things down. I might just be able to learn how to be slow, and to like and possibly love someone (one day), and not get jealous and worry that I am being kept around only to be hurt.
I realized that it's not all about me.
He is going through enough. I know that I want to be there to help but all he can handle is a meager, undefined "friends..." The ellipses meaning "and a little more."
I feel like I won today. I won a battle that has been raging within my soul for years now. How if something doesn't fit the mold I have created in my mind, then it's not good enough and must be cast out. I bended to something new. Accepting that we will just be friends... For a time. We may become more, we may not. I might find someone, he might too. But for the time being, this is what we have. I need to learn to freaking chill out. And this will help me to do that. If I see him out at a party or at a bar and we hadn't contacted each other, or he didn't tell me then I will accept that. After all, we are only friends.... Yes lots of questions are forming in my mind, what if I see him with another boy, what if I hear that he is dating someone else? I guess I would have to remember what he and I share, and I will have to talk with him.
Communication is key. As long as we keep open and honest communication then I don't worry. I trust him.
He was sweet in asking if I'm already into him, then am I capable of just backing off to just friends.... I had to hear it from his mouth. He didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, but just hearing it from his mouth. That made the difference for me. I know that, though it will take work on my part, I know that friends... will work for me.
Where is it going to go? What will happen in four days, weeks, or months? I don't know. But then do you ever really know what is going to happen even with a spoken vow?
We trust each day that fate will allow us one more breath, one more smile, one more kiss.
I'm learning to just let things be. It is what it is. Let it will be.
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