out of the cloud

I was not myself for the past two days. I was someone I used to be. I digressed. Flirting via text and phone calls to a guy in El Paso for the past three weeks got my hopes up for when he would be in town this weekend. Despite the great conversations and such, there wasn't any passion. There was no magic. I knew this from the beginning. But I, as I do so well, turned a blind eye to it. I held on to the image I had created in my mind. I have done that so often in the past. I knew the signs, I knew the actions, I knew the friendly courtesies void of emotion. I knew what was going on. Finally last night it hit me in the face... POW! But glad that it did. It was just an affirmation that I need to be alone, I need to be on my own.

Talking with Ami, it became apparent that I need to not even entertain the idea of a relationship in any form beyond that of a friendship with anyone right now. I need to be just Ryan for awhile. I think I need to decide on a time frame. I think it needs to be a long time. I think for the remainder of the year I will not date anyone, I will just concentrate on me. This will be something I need to practice at.

But on the plus side, I met some really nice people through him. One of his friends is a painter and another is a lesbian that has really got it going on. I wish I could have her determination and confidence. The bf of the painter was really sweet and mostly spoke Spanish which allowed me to practice with him. This guy wasn't a bad guy either. There just wasn't something there on his part. He was on vacation. He wanted to go out, he wanted to meet new people. He didn't want a weekend bf as I was thinking we would be. I lose who I am sometimes.

"Jesus Christ will you look at me, don't know who I'm supposed to be. Someone say if I should give a damn, when you're around, I don't know who I am. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you." -madonna