"Miles Away"

That's my favorite song from the album so far. "All my dreams, they fade away. I'll never be the same." I feel that I'm in a transition: graduation, pharmacy school, new boy. My coworker and I were talking that life just seems to be going really, really well. We're both waiting for the shoe to drop, for life to slap us back down with a splintered ruler. But I get that life is what you make it. You get what you give. What goes around comes around. I've been trying really hard to be a good person; to not be victimized, to be strong, to let little shit go. "So far away..." could possibly be an introspection to where she wishes she were, to where she wants to get.
I feel so far away still from what I want to be, but so much closer at the same time.

I still struggle with letting the past go. There are still people who creep around in my thoughts that I thought, that I hoped were resolved, but they are not.
I still silently cringe when I hear their name. I still lower my eyes when I see them out. I still feel a hollow lump form in my chest when I hear news about them.

I wish I could let it go.
I wish I could just get over it.
I wish I could just go on.

I have moved on in my life. I have made progression. I think I'm a good person. I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned not to assume the worst. I've learned to just let people be who they are. I've learned to not expect anything from others, except myself.

But I still don't move on. I still digress. I still let myself get tripped up on illusions.

I hope with time I'll get better.

My thoughts, my rants, my raves

So I was just browsing the other day, and decided to visit http://ohlalaparis.com and I see that they've GROWN. A lot. I remember when they were just beginning, or at least when I first started to visit. I haven't been by but a handful of times in the past 2 years, and I guess they've moved onto bigger and better, and I'm sure much more lucrative things. I still remember when they were smaller and I LOVED one of the pics they took.

So I tried to look for it and ended up going through some memories, lots of old friends and good times... wow. But I couldn't find it. But the point was that one of the guys emailed me directly. I'm sure they are still in touch, but I'm sure they are much more busy.

What was the point? I don't know other than things change. sigh.

I cannot wait for Madonna's new album. YUM!

A Petal that isn't Torn

I've been thinking that there's a lot that I need to drop from my life. I need to let go of a lot. Still.
I feel that I have made much progress, but it's still so easy to fall into the same habits and the same ruts. I've fought to be so strong, and move beyond my hang-ups. But I still fall.
Sometimes I go to a secret garden, a place that I can be where there is no bad and all the crazy thoughts in my head are normal. But I'm still thirsty to understand life, and my yearning for knowledge increases.
I've become very picky about lovers. I don't want just anyone. I'm happy to be alone, and can wait forever because I don't want to settle.

I am a fan of Madonna. But purely from a writing point of view, this article on Madonna was very well done. I thought so anyway. The writer apologetically uses references with out explaining the meaning and the context. I loved it. I felt like I was reading literature (to be so brash). I felt like it wasn't another "This is Madonna, and this is what I think of her" (though he did offer his opinion quite a bit). He painted her in shades and lights, used metaphors, and presented a story. I was intrigued. Oh, and reading something new on Madonna was nice.

So Many Thoughts...

I have so much swirling around in my head right now. It seems that finally things are going the way they need to. But more importantly, I think I finally understand that it's me who makes them happen.
I look back over this past year and I feel like it was a dark and bumpy road. I was unsure, depressed, and not doing a whole lot to get myself out of there. But around December I started to pull myself out of it. It was difficult. It was a process. I'm still working my way to a better me; a better life.
The road is still going to be rough and tough at times, I'm going to fall down and have to get back up, but I feel like I've made it though the longest stretch of hard terrain. I feel like I have the strength in me to deal with what may come next.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead.

I think the biggest change was that I accpted that I needed to change. I feel like I'm a better person, more so in my life. I'm doing what I know needs to get done. I'm trying to improve. My goals are to better myself and try to better the world around me. Then things will happen when they need to happen. I'm sure I'll find someone who fits like a glove into my life; someone I adore and who adores me.
I'm happy, I'm getting more happy as I continue to set and attain my goals. I know I'm capable of doing anything. It will just take hard work to do it. And I'll always reach for the things that may be just beyond my grasp. But I won't know until I try.