up & down & all around: survival

I'm not going to be an angel. But it seems I try to attain it.

I feel like I'm in the same rut I have been in for a long time now. confidence is so funny. When will I get it? When I'm not confident, what am I? A victim?

I no longer wonder what happened, why things happened as they did between C and I.
I get it now.
I get that I was a mess beyond help, except though experience and my own introspection would I lift myself from. I think I'm still lifting. I think I'm over it. I hope I am. I'm pretty sure. I no longer look back with a devout fondness, nor disdain. I look back at it as a time in my life, just like other times in my life. There was joy, there was sorrow, but it was a time all the same.

This is fresh in my mind because a friend pulled some games on me and I saw that I didn't want to play anymore. And I feel that the only thing I can to which is best for both of us is to walk away.

Now I see that it's time to put my shoulder to the wheel. Rome was not built in one day, and neither will I become what I want to be. But it will take one day at a time.

I find I'm still running

stop stop
run run
block block
look for a way out
run to the sun
run to the moon
avoid the sun
avoid the rain
hide your tears
hide your fears
run run
stop stop

I'm looking for me

I run past my school
I run past my mom
I run past my life

stop, hold my breath.
I'm accountable
It's me
I'm not ready, still preparing myself

time to taste the rain,
time to taste my tears
time to face my fears

time to stop running
and face me

on me

some time for myself
I fell hard this time
good friends, next time
I won't be so blind
But for me now
I'll chalk it up to experience
and take some time
this time

not mine

I see you out, alone. No there are gloves on the chair next to you.
I'm happy you're happy, call me sometime.
My mind races, I try to slow down.
You've been on my mind.

Give you my heart
my pain won't cover up
I can't take it
You left me alone

I saw all that you are
I wanted to be open
But the works were awkward,
For years I needed to give you something.

You left me in the past.
Can't hold this love.
I can't change this,
Can't take it back (can't change your mind)

sometimes

I had to walk on,
I just wanted to hold you.
I say I can love you.
But it's fine.
I see the stars.

Walking down an empty street,
no one near.
But I know it's fine,
I see the stars.

(How do you know you?)
(How do I know you're true?)

Tonight like all the others,
we walk in the cool evening.
I'm alright,
I see the lights.

Neon lights, cigarettes, rented rooms, empty bars, golden lights, misty breath, colored shoes, I'm tired of crying on the stairs...

I couldn't

The orchestra started up.
I confess I was a little nervous,
I didn't recognize the song.

The people began to show up
In their party clothes.
The line was bowing.

You said what a pretty thing,
the steps to dance, leading me through.
suddenly I thought I knew the song.

I see how they follow, jump
(they jump)
turn (they turn)
I look back,
I won't be there.

on my mind

My mom sent an email that was kind of against gays. It offended me. But I kept quiet. But I felt some distance form between us. I just don't know still what to think abou it...

But on better news, I feel like I'm getting into the swing of school.

Smoke and Lights

The evening is quiet. I think about you.
I miss your smell, your style, the way you form your words.
I think of how you look at me.
These are the things that I miss.

Now I enter a time not for the weak.
I've stood at the top of a tower and dreamt from the fields.
Why I let myself think I'd take you in my arms.
Traveling to that land not many have let me go.
I wonder what you do in your free time now.

I lay down my torch. I lay down my sword. I lay down my shield. I lay down my heart. I lay down my abandonment. I lay down my breath. I lay down my thoughts. I lay down.

Five story fire. What a game we played. What a mess we made. What a fool I was. What a mess I was. A design I placed in the stars, but only to flush out with water.

Nothing has been clear for me. Nothing has been warm to me. I have kept one foot out the door. I have been looking for a home. I live in a limbo.
My identity.
My dreams.
My hopes.
My truths.
My breath.
My home.
My family.
My self.
What I see around me. Dear friends, my books, my memories, my treasures, my home.
I learn my purpose, I begin to set my roots. I know I can be apart of. No precluding myself, applying my wisdom. Why I think I'm not when I am.

I'm ready to be forward, moving, going, happening.

I think I put my heart back to me. No more trying to speak to a cold wall. Change is in the ground, the foundation. Giving in to so many monsters and demons. No more window dreams when I have a world all around me. Dream my own priority, my own self, my own voice, my own heart.

I know what I am, what I can become. I see the road blocks, I see my self as a part of it.
Step me over, step over me.
Bring myself to me, meet for the first time.
Dream big, dream small, dream at night, Dream at Day, dream often, dream much.

Unconventional kid, intense, piercing eyes. Overrated, deserving. but wanting to just be happy. I'm nice, I'm good, I'm loved, I'm cared, I'm me.
By my own hand
underfed, labeled, canceled out by others, allowing, (stand up).
much intentions, mis read understood.
Bravery intrinsically. Bravery alone, all by myself.

Not living in my blind spot. Not usual. Deserving. Treat me like me.
Love me. So much to offer.

My secrets. My problems. No one to solve them but me.
No one else belongs here with me.
Hello, is there something wrong with me?
Sunday I cry all night. I hurt.
But this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
Color code my swords and clean clothes.
I want you to be proud of me.
Am I that crazy? Is there something wrong with me?
Try to understand, this is who I am.
No one else belongs here with me.
But me.

Ha.

I guess I still have miles to go. Wow, the victim crept out of nowhere last night and setteled in all night. But when too much EtOH happens, that can happen. Ugh.

I felt like I was invisible last night. I didn't like it and I didn't like how I was handling it. I was trying to be someone else. Yearning to pretend to be someone else. Just for a moment. I wish I could displace myself 6000 miles.

Words are never enough.

So far away from what I want to be. So far away.
So I begin the journey. I begin my quest.
I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true.
In my voice I waiver and sometimes crumble.

So far away,
words are never enough.

wow

it all came back. he woke something in me. that something that makes me remember. i remember why I date men. i hope to date him.

el ultimo vals

wow. I cannot believe it. My favorite band in the world broke up. Well, the lead singer, whose voice was so distinctive and for me almost the band, left them. I'll miss her.So I have listened to the new voice of LodVG. She is good too, but not the same.

So I'm going to give them a shot... but I do love them... I saw them in concert... This makes me a little sad...

So I've developed a little crush on the base player of LOdVG. Alvaro. I'll be dreaming my dreams... ;)

The new paperboy done gone and broke my sternum

I'm tired. There's so much I need to do tomorrow for school. videogameboy done gone and caught my attention again. Rowingboy is surely a hottie, and nice, and smart.

Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. Night.

Orchid, no rose please

It's very east to get distracted, side-tracked, amused with a site, caught up in other stuff... really anything applies when I'm not accomplishing the task I set out to do. I was in the shower and realized that I haven't written in this thing for some time. I was thinking how much fun I've had doing this. I like to let my thoughts out and allow them to flow to the world.

My favorite Alanis song right now is "Orchid." It makes me think about myself and how I view who I am. For so long I've defined myself based on how I perceive others seeing me. I look at my life, my room, my belongings like I'm looking through the eyes of others. It seems I'm always trying to please. Also I had a recent incident of "the victim" crop up. It worried me. I don't want to digress.

I've been thinking a lot about VideoGameBoy (VGB). He said a very poignant comment. I was looking though his library and admiring, commenting, and asking about the books he had read, or at least had on his shelf. And then when we settled down to play a video game, he asked what the last book I read was. It was Wicked. And I think that is the only book I have read this year. This year. Wow.
I really had thought that I had read more than that. So I've been thinking that I need to read more. I'm trying to read The Other Bolyn Girl and also Lord Jim, but I have only just read few pages into them. It seems I'm much more intrigued to watch a re-run of The Simpsons.

Who am I now? Where did the Ryan go that used to read? That used to have a zest for life? Am I treating my life like a rose when really it's an orchid? Wanting, seeing, hoping, waiting, doing what I think I should do, but going about it all wrong?

Am I happy? Not fully I don't think. Not fully.

Today I weighed in. I weight X. I want to become X-12lbs by the end of Sept. My late evening snacking is what I really, really need to work on. On a 1-5 scale, I snacked at a 3 tonight. It was awful. I'm trying to not be upset, I snack all the time, and old habits die hard. I need to progress.

I miss some people tonight. I miss The Waterless Fish. But he's out of my life, and despite the sentiments dwelling on his absence, I am happy. I think I'm beginning to love what we shared and I'm okay with him moving on with his life. I have a few questions, but the fact that they have no answer may be the answer.
I miss the dancing girls. They always knew how to make me feel like the most special guy in the world.

Class is going well. I am trying to get a handle on what I'm doing with it all. 17 credits is a heavy load and juggling it is rough for me. But worth it. It has to be, is this my dream, or a hurdle? It's all about perspective.

Lastly, Xaiver has been on my mind a lot. He's bust with his job, love life, family, schooling, his life. I wish I could just hold him tonight as I fall asleep. Silly of me to even muse of him, but I do so tonight.

I'm on the road to get happy, not that I'm not happy, but I know I have potential.

"I'm a sweet piece of work
Well intentioned and unloved
Unlabeled and misunderstood
Treated like a rose as an orchid"