A new start, but remembering the past

As Madonna says, "Say goodbye to not knowing when the truth in my whole life began... and I'll remember the way that you changed me..."

I try to remember many things everyday of my life: How much my family loves me, trying to focus on the positive of a break-up, that I need to study more for the test next week, etc. But I know that I'm no longer a guest in my own life. It's mine and I finally feel like I have the strength to reach out and grab it, and take it back.

But the road has been long, and I've had to sit down many times, and I've gotten lost and given up many times. But I'm happy. I can say that I am happy with where I am in life right now. I still see a road ahead of me, many opportunities to learn, grow, stumble, laugh, and cry.

But that is life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I went to a funeral of a close family friend this past weekend. She had a difficult, but good life. As we all do. But the thought that stayed close to me the whole weekend was that life is too short for grudges, hate, dislike, and all the things that in the end, only hurt the bearer.

It was important for my family to know me, know who I am. So I came out to my sister. We had been close growing up, but when I finally figured that girls just didn't make the mark, I closed her from my life, fearing that she would reject me. I need her and her family in my life. No one else seems to get me life she does. No one else can discuss growing up and how we felt and the trials we went though, and the good times we shared. No one else listens to my problems and rantings and then she vents and then gets mad when I won't just listen, she needs to get things off her chest and be heard, so she teaches me to just listen. I love that we are really talking again. I love that we can bare our souls and know that the other is just as vulnerable. I love having my sister in my life again.

I recently broke up with a man I thought I could start planning a life with. He wasn't ready. I mourn that I can no longer hold a great, beautiful man in my arms and call him lover, but I keep my eyes and thoughts fixed that one day I may hold this great, beautiful man in my arms and call him friend. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm still holding on to him. But each day I'm learning to let go of the illusion we can posses. Each day I let him go a little more, and for now I travel in stillness. But I'll remember him, I'll remember happiness.

So I lift my head up and look toward the sun, and know that I must follow my heart. In this time of confusion and change, it's a very good place to start.

So to begin, I have decided that this is the year, my last full year in my 20s, and I am going to do what I keep not doing... haha.
I'm going to get in shape. I'm going to be more professional at work. I bought new pants and shirts for work so that can be a little more dressy, but still not too dressy. ;)
I want to change my image and start to be more classy. I want to be dapper at times.

Each day I hope to get a little more closer to who I am.