SD -16

I feel that I gather things from what I observe to make up myself.  I'm a potpourri of my experiences, perceptions, and people in my life.

SD -17

Are we our own keepers?

SD -18

No, haven't been very good with this updating thing.  Oh well.  This is the essence of my past few days.  Cat walking around.  Me at the table.  Trying to pretend to at least study.  But I go to gym often, well, daily.  Cute older guy there plus a TON of eye candy.  I don't know if at all I have lost any weight, but I hope this is a platform from which to jump back to Phoenix.  I feel I have developed better habits with exercise and eating.  I don't want to return.

I downloaded Alanis's new album and so far it's a score with me.  I love the song "Guardian."  Love it.  It evokes my inner, old poet that used to live on this page.  That was a young Ryan light years ago.

SD-24d

Therapy needed. Venting ahead.  What's on my mind to look this gift horse in it's mouth.  Things are perfect, but my mind distorts them.
Big breath.
Now, I understand that we all don't have to love and like and cherish and admire the same people, the same things.  He gets it, I am still learning.
Headache at this time of night?
I breathe.  True Blood is addicting.  I am liking the social commentary.  At least what I think it may be.
Still trying to lose weight.  I was so hungry today.  I don't even know if I followed a diet or not.
Today I felt the twing of wanting to return to my stuff, to return to my space.  I love SD and love the weather and love the rotation and love rooming with CT.  It's like there is so much amazing going on that I'm swallowed up in my own personal quest for something negative.  Let it go my dear.  Let it go my love.  I learn to let go.
Remembering when I was young and all I want to do is be something that I cannot be, I will never allow myself to be that person.  I have spent so much time and energy trying to become and arrive.  But they say the journey.  The journey it is.  I may only ever have the jorney under my belt.  I may never arrive at that ultimate space in my head.
Enjoy the journey, it's all that I"m going to have.
Enjoy the journey.  Don't fret about the weight not coming off in 1.7 weeks.  Just enjoy the journey of developing a healthier lifestyle.  Enjoy the journey of sneaking in a tub of ice cream.  I am always going to be on a quest for that illusive arrival, but enjoy the journey.
Venting came out rather nicely.
Focus on the positive, the beautiful here. Don't get caught up on the arrival, spend your energy on the journey.  Love the journey.

SD +30

Today - where do I start?  slept in and then rushed to get to the pharmacy on time.  The first half of the day just seemed to float by in a dream.  Then Brandon gave me a very informative presentation on the overview of HIV.  It was fun to talk to him some.  I still am not sure what he things of me, nothing bad I am pretty syre of... it's more just the tweeking of our personalities and if they will complement or what with the other.  Ya know?
This is my scene walking into the pharmacy building every day.  Such a pleasant scene.  I do enjoy it quite a bit!

And then I HAD to get some soda:

In the end I just worked on NNRTIs and got some exposure to them.

When I got home, I lied down on the couch and then the thought hit me that I need to start to include more spiritual time in my life.  More quiet times when I can meditate on something, or nothing.  I do feel that is a balance.

So my question these days is that I'm debating if removing myself from some or even most aspects of social life, will I have a quieter life and allow the balance of spirituality to equate?  Or is it like removing old shirts from the closet so that there will be a balance of room in the refridgerator?  Are they related?  I think that energywise they certainly do.

How will I address this tomorrow?  Especially with friends coming into town... Hmm...

I want to focus on my self while here in SD, but friends offer the perfect opportunity to lose sight.  More later...

SD R+32

And then it came to be that I thought I should just focus on myself and not worry about what all was going on around me.  I made a promise to myself that for the next three days I would just be a calm sea.  I want to just roll and flow with the waves and currents.  I don't want to take a stand or be assertive.  Tomorrow is my Water Day 1/3.

At the rotation things are going better than I had imagined.  My preceptor is cool, chill and flew to see Madonna in Warsaw, Poland.  He is top of my list.

So these days have been going by much too quickly.  There is soo much to do each day with the rotation, trying to get in shape, enjoying San Diego and trying to build a better, stornger, deeper friendship with Christian.  Above is Fargo who managed to dress herself yesterday in some old things she had lying around. I don't know how she got herself into the handle space of the bag, but she did.  It was hilarious.  And you can see that she was very proud of it.

I want to take more pictures, I feel like I have to capture so much emotion, excitement, apprehension, so much life in just a few words and pictures.  This is definitely a high point of my life.  I feel like I'm getting a handle on things.

SD R+33

Since returning to Phx is inevitable, I have decided that I will use "Return (day) + number of days still in SD" as a means of keeping track of the days.  Not that am looking forward to returning, but that as I said, it is inevitable.  So why not.

Yesterday my friend Merylita was out to visit with her manpanion who I met for the very first time.  Super nice, but that was no surprise since she is picky and also not blind to BS other guys have tried to throw her way.

My daily commute to the rotation

And Meryl and I got photo-bombed by some LA plastics, but they look ok.  But yeah, I need to get into some sort of a shape.  So I joined a gym for just a month here in SD.  The guy who joined me in was Blake, and Christian said that his calves looked like his knees swallowed grapefruits... haha!  But Meryl and I did biuy matching straw hats at the Cityfest street fair.  We had a good time despite the humidity! 

 Me and a dear bestie who lives here now, Liz Honey is wonderful.  And me and my mustache for just one day.

Meryl and her awesome man, Isaiah, enjoying the Cityfest street fair with me.  Such a fun weekend!

San Diego Day 1

First day here.  with Phx in the rear-view mirror:

And then tragedy: the hanger rod snapped.  But I did replace it with a very sturdy rod purchased at Target in Yuma.  But I found I did like to have the rear-view that the fallen clothes gave me.

Sad Sinking Shirts

The drive was long and there was an accident just on the other side of El Centro.  But I should say that I ventured up Imperial Ave in El Centro looking for the Costco and it was quite the drive.  The town has a small town feel to it, but the activity is very down one street.  Felt like El Centro is shaped like a large butterfly.  And then just 10 miles beyond the butterfly, there was an accident.  Seemed to be a rough one since about 6 helicopters, firetrucks, towtrucks, and 2,234 policemen were there.  I hope everyone survived.


I was waiting and driving with the sun screen up to keep the angry sun off me.  And we waited. And waited. And waited.  And then finally we were able to move some!!!


 So I tried to get some shots of the hot fire fighters but I was also so happy to be moving that I really didn't care much! So there is the end of the fire truck and then you can kind of see the squished care on the left, at the left.  there was a heafty down slope on the other side that I think a few cars may have taken a dive down... not sure.

Finally after being on the road for 7.5 hours I arrived in SD, unloaded and turned into a vegetable.  Now bed on this first uneventful day.  But it was a travel day.

Week: Leave for SD

I leave for SD on Friday and I'm curled up into a small ball of anxiety for no other reason than for what I could leave behind.  It's a situation where I get so caught up into what I'm not bringing and that "what if I will need it" voice rings in true and hard.  So fighting that has been a bit of the up-hill battle today.  But I got a spirit lifter from my buddy there:

He understands my core needs and emotions... haha.

So the heat here is going to kill me, which is why I'm going to bed early and going to try and be as productive as possible during the not so hot part of the day.  Tomorrow is the last day of work for 6 weeks!!

I went to the gym today and weighted in at 288.  But this week I got a call from my Dr's office and my lipids are all still out of whack.  So I'm stopping me eating as much fat as I used to allow myself.  Last night was the first night I didn't have a spoonful (or four) of peanut butter before bed.  I want to eat, but I need to overcome my mental addiction to a full belly and just let full be enough.



Nothing like some rowing to get the juices flowing to get in shape. If I do say so myself.