Dignity on my mind

I had parents who loved me, family, teachers who believed in me - I don't think that I had all those things dropped in my life to live silently.

I remember I was at church and the prophet said that we must love and pray for the gays.  I felt a message of love and understanding from Gordon B. Hinckley.  I knew I was gay, as most gay kids do.  I denied it, myself, until I had to explode - and I did.  I lived much, so much, in a short and small time.  I'm kind of surprised that I came out of it (relatively) unscathed.  I tried to run from who I was (I think I'm still trying today).  I ran from being gay and then I ran from ever trying to not be gay.  An extreme dichotomy in my life.  I worry that I'm 33 and still feel like I have infinite emotions to sort out before I'm "ready."  I desperately want to find a soulmate, someone who I can be myself around and who will love me regardless.  

I'm not sure how to live out loud.  I don't have a position that I would be listened to by the thousands.  I guess I can hope to touch a few lives.  I have my delusions.  I want to have adoring millions, I want to be loved by them.  But we can read into an internal black hole that needs filling the easy way.  I should love myself.

But I knew that I am not destined to be on some HBO comming out documentary.  I know that I'm meant to live a normal life.  But that doesn't diminish my ability to help people, to hopefully tell someone that having hopes and dreams is most important.  I want to share that putting your nose to the grind stone will reap you rewards.  I am in a good position in life.  I cannot complain.

The angry hatred that spews from the Mormon church these days is not a message of love and prayer any more.  It's an attack on different, it's a recoil to maintain an air of pride over a population.  I just want to know why?  Sin is choosing - choose ye this day whom you will serve.  But I never chose.  Other gays never chose.  If we didn't choose, how can it be a sin?  

I could get married, but I'd be lying to myself, and what hurts me more so is that I'd be lying to a woman I should love more than myself.  I couldn't give her what she deserves.  And us folks around here don't go for second best, baby.

I will taste the rain, I will taste my fears, I may curse the angels, but I will taste my fears.