I'll Fly With You

Sometimes, when the night has slowly crept up on me and my thoughts and mind are weary, I wonder if he ever thinks about me.  Having such a deep, intense relationship that ended overnight threw my world into a tail spin. My foundation was rocked. I still think about our times together... the city mural painted on his wall.  The trips to San Diego.  It was bazaar to lose a part of my life so suddenly like that.  Animosity.  Hate.  I confronted him and he apparently was tired of how selfish I was?  I'm not claiming innocence but I guess I hoped that he would have treated me differently.  Just walking away from someone in silence is a cruel punishment.  But I guess I needed to be punished.  I wish he would have felt comfortable, or even felt that I was at least worth a conversation.

Our past has brought us to where and who we are today.  I'm happy today.  I'm content with my life.  I've taken awhile to get going.  I wasn't perfect, nor a fantastic friend, but I thought we were good friends.  This was years ago.  Almost 10 years I think.

I try to empathize with where he was in his life.  I can cerebral-ly understand him.  I can understand why he did what he did.  But my heart still just asks, "why?"  What about what we had?

The world seemed to be all ours, and it wouldn't have been enough.  We wanted all that life had to offer, we wanted to drink it up, let it course through our veins.  We wanted to know who all were, what all tasted like, what all smelled like.  We wanted to skip small talk and run in the fields naked with life flowing past our skin.  And then a door into nothing.

It still leaves me silenced to this day.  I try to grow up, I try to just get over it.  But the ending was all on his terms.  I got no notice, there was no memo in my inbox.  I feel like I never got to close that book and walk out of the room and close the door.

[typing this i see how selfish i can come across. i see i'm only seeing what i had and lost. i don't know how else to deal with it.  i loved him.  i loved him like a partner in an intimate crime, involving time and many hearts.  a crime of hearts and time.  since he went away. but i also understand that he did what he needed to do the best way he knew how to do it and it was what he needed to do for him]

I don't want to go, I guess.  I am still hanging on to what we shared.  I must have felt differently about it.  I loved our illusion together.  It had to end.  I guess I was unhealthy for him.  Things happen as they need to, I trust the universe in that aspect.  But I don't want to wake up, and let him go.  I need get up, wake up, move on, go on, be gone.