It's been 8

Almost 8 months here in Anchorage and I feel like I'm still just 2 weeks in. Wow. So with more time to process it, yes, processing that FA finally broke up with me. I was going to do it in March, or April, or some time convenient for myself, but he beat me to the punch and I'm happy he did. The feelings of disdain, all the wrong he was doing - it all flew out the window. I was shocked in that he did it so soon. He usually let things die out on their own, his words. And he finally ended something that wasn't healthy. Good. So. Now what do I do with myself?

We shall see, that is the question of this new year, new life. 2 years with Fa, and I forget how to be single

And so it goes...

Well, he did it. He finally pulled the plug on us and we are no more. I was planning for this to happen, but A) I was going to be the one to be the plug puller and B) I wasn't ready for it to happen so soon. But this is good. This is good that he did it. He was finally ready to express his feelings and confess that he just isn't in a place to be in a relationship with me. He understood that it wasn't fair for me and I had been patient enough so it was time he stopped living in his world of complacency and comfort and pushed the house down. And I'm good. I'm happy that he finally came to those terms. I feel like him being the one to actually end it hopefully helped him to go places emotionally with himself of what he needs and what needs to occur for him to feel something.
Back to me.
Like I said, I was planning on this anyway, just a little shocked at the quickness that it unraveled; and happy and sad. We are now just roommates and that is nice to have a nice bed all to myself. He has been gracious to let me have the master room and said there is no time frame from which to work, but I feel that being out of the apt into my own space in a month or so will be good for us both. It will help the transition. But right now, so much change, I need to take it a little at a time. So the month or two that we'll be roommates will also be good for me. I feel that I still feel for him. ;)

to be so strong

I’ve fought so hard to not lose a piece of me, but being with you I see that I’m sacrificing a different piece of me.  This voice inside has been eating at me, I can no longer embrace this beautiful picture I’ve created in my head out of hope and love. I can’t be the only artist on our picture.

all the time I’ve wasted hoping you’d come around with just a little more time. But I can’t regret, looking back I see I had to do that for me. I had to feel I gave what I could.

I was letting the rain in

I have been bitching a lot about the situation. Well, I'm planning on leaving him. The deal is done. But I don't need to tear him down. Like I said, he is a good guy, just not emotionally able to give me what I need in a relationship. So he folded laundry last night and that was very nice. Also I really like his childlike interest in things. He still enjoys silly penguins on his bed sheets. Things like that which I enjoyed about him.

But also I cam across this gem:



I remember to have ambitions, I call this one Green Ambition. I want to look like that someday and I need to get on it!

Everything Changes, even in 2016

2015 could be described as my year of unblinking hope.  But now I see that even after all the hope in the world, all the positive energy, all the emotional support, all the space needed, it just wasn't enough.  I'm not angry, but I'm going to ready myself to move on. I have to. I'm frightened to be this age and starting all over again. I don't even know where or how to proceed. But I can't stay here.

I've already walked through door #2, 2016 will be time to walk through door number three.
I tried to stand by you, even when it got tough. I tried to walk next to you to support, but I don't know what you need.  It's not clear where to go from here with you, but it's clear I need to keep walking. I keep walking for me.

I always knew we were built to fall apart.